Stay away from my kidneys...

So, way back when, I had a plenty of fish profile.  And after many, many rejections, I got into the habit of writing introductions more to make myself laugh than out of any hope of getting a message back.  Kind of a way to reject them before they get a chance to reject you.

Some of those introductory messages were hilarious, and I really wish I had kept them saved on my hard drive.  I really had a book possibility in those introductions - they were funny, they were charming, and they got me absolutely nowhere.

A little over a week ago, I put up a Plenty of Fish profile on a whim, and sent out a few "howdy" messages, thinking maybe I'd get a date or two out of the deal.  Not really expecting much... that's exactly what I got.  Naturally, my first urge was to start sending out silly messages.

I didn't do that.  Well, not exactly.  Instead, I started writing messages with the intent of getting a laugh, while at the same time complimenting the person and saying a bit about who I am as a person.  At the same time, one of the reponses I got back mentioned how I should post some of these messages somewhere.  And I agree - I want these saved for posterity purposes.

So, these are two sent messages that didn't get a reply back.  Both of them were messages that had me laughing pretty hard.  Hope you enjoy.

Subject:  Regarding Astrology and Cults...

Now, I have a rule with Plenty of Fish. If a girl mentions her star sign in her profile, it means I should start running now. Because when she catches me, I'll wake up in some compound in Bountiful BC with a shaved head, giving my money to the leader while working on a turnip farm.


But I think I'll ignore that rule this time, because you seemed to be sarcastic. And sarcasm trumps freaky astrology stuff every time.

Now, onto the big questions.

What's your dog allergic to? I'm hoping the answer is "other dogs". Because that would rock. Also what sort of strange books and good movies are you into?

Anyways. I'm a former Timmins/Toronto guy, figured I'd say "welcome to Vic", and if you're at all interested in chatting it up for a bit, seeing if there's any real common ground... there could be a pool game in the future where I would lose horribly.

Seriously. Last time I played, a dude lost his eye.

Take care, and maybe I'll talk to you soon.


-Dave

This girl, who started with a joke about her star sign and her search for a soulmate, before talking about her hypoallergenic dog, gave me about three seconds' worth of consideration before deleting my message.  Fair enough.  This wasn't one of my better messages, but I don't want to post any that actually got a response.  It'd seem like an invasion of privacy, to me.

This next one, though, is a gem.  Really should be published.
I'm seeing a potential book in the future.  Just post a bunch of Plenty of Fish messages to unsuspecting women, and see how it goes.  But I don't know if I'm really comfortable in making a career out of my rejection.  After all, neither of these gems got a reply.

Subject:  You can't get my kidneys

So, I have a pretty strong suspicion that you get messaged a bazillion times a day. You're a great looking person with a great-looking profile, and that's a rare combination on PoF, it seem. And, because of this, you'll read my quick introduction and start laughing. And then you'll reach through the internet, grab me by the throat, and say "as if, buddy".

I'll wake up in a bathtub somewhere, covered in ice, missing a kidney. But the joke's on you... I happen to have two of the things.

On the off chance that you're not an internet kidney harvester, I figure I'll say "hello". I'm a pretty nice guy, with a good sense of humour, a fairly active life, and my belly is closer to a six pack than a keg. I like to write, try new things, and love cooking. My kidneys are in excellent shape.

I like to joke around, am pretty playful, and a romantic and nice guy. and I'd love to learn a bit more about you - what sort of books you read, your top three movies, what sort of games you're into (that sounded dirty... not what I meant!), and all that awesome stuff. Hopefully, you'll pop back, read my profile, realize how awesome I am, and we'll take it from there.

If not, well, that's cool too. But stay away from my internal organs, please.

Take care,

-Dave