I'm a big fan of movies. But I absolutely *hate* watching movies on TV. The reason is pretty simple - the movie has been edited, often heavily, to fit TV censors. Sometimes, the censors will even cut out vital scenes which are referenced later in the film. Last week, I saw a short film on the independant movie channel that had the entire LAST SCENE cut. You know, the important scene that closes out the film?
But language censors are the best. You know, those movies where they do a voiceover, so that instead of John McClane saying "Yipee Kay Yay, mother fucker" he says "Yippee Kay Yay, Melon Farmer"?
That stuff is golden. Case in point:
(warning - SOOOO not safe for work! So many curses, so little time!)
Showing posts with label film friday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label film friday. Show all posts
Film Friday: High Fidelity
It starts with a man yelling out to his ex-girlfriend "If you really wanted to mess me up, you should've gotten to me earlier!" and then compiling a top five list of the worst break-ups of his life. It doesn't end with a passionate kiss in the rain, or a wedding, or anything like that.
And it's second only to Bladerunner on my list of awesomest movies ever. High praise, indeed.
So, in the movie, we've got Rob, played by the always brillian John Cusack. He gets dumped by his longtime girlfriend Laura, wonders why he is always abandoned by the women he loves, and starts analyzing his life. He chases down the top five breakups of his past (Rob's obsessed with "top five" lists - he works in a record store, and spends most of his day composing these lists). And then he tries to deal with his losing Laura.
It's a brilliant picture, in a very understated sort of way. It is filled with great musical name drops, and for a borderline Asperger's guy such as yours truly, this is pure awesome. It's brilliantly acted, it's brilliantly filmed, and the dialogue is just, um... brilliant.
I bring this up because, every time I go through a break up, this is the movie I watch. I have no idea why - it's not a particularly happy movie, or a particularly sad one. It's just a movie about a guy I share a lot of similarities and character traits (some would say defects - but those people are communists who listen to Abba) who tries to figure out where he went wrong. And I like that.
If you watch it, make sure you get the deleted scenes. There's this great bit where Rob is offered the greatest record collection of all time, with so many collector's wet dream rarities. He knows it's worth at least a hundred grand, and is trying to buy it for a couple of thousand dollars - the woman who is selling it knows exactly what it is worth, and wants to sell it for fifty bucks. She wants to get even with her cheating ex-husband. Rob, even though he knows the guy is a douche, can't do this to another collector, and there's this great reverse bargaining scene that always makes me crack a smile.
And of course, there's John Cusack's best monologue in movie history. Seriously. This even beats that part where he holds the boombox over his head. Apparently, though, it doesn't compare to a guy hitting a frickin' propeller.
And it's second only to Bladerunner on my list of awesomest movies ever. High praise, indeed.
The movie is High Fidelity, and if you haven't seen it, well, you're a little behind the times. I mean, it came out in the late nineteen nineties! You know, that time period where so many great movies were made, but no one watched them because they were too busy watching Titanic?
Trust me, High Fidelity is a much better movie, even if it lacks that guy hitting the propeller while he falls. Come on. You know the scene I'm talking about - don't pretend you don't.
So, in the movie, we've got Rob, played by the always brillian John Cusack. He gets dumped by his longtime girlfriend Laura, wonders why he is always abandoned by the women he loves, and starts analyzing his life. He chases down the top five breakups of his past (Rob's obsessed with "top five" lists - he works in a record store, and spends most of his day composing these lists). And then he tries to deal with his losing Laura.It's a brilliant picture, in a very understated sort of way. It is filled with great musical name drops, and for a borderline Asperger's guy such as yours truly, this is pure awesome. It's brilliantly acted, it's brilliantly filmed, and the dialogue is just, um... brilliant.
I bring this up because, every time I go through a break up, this is the movie I watch. I have no idea why - it's not a particularly happy movie, or a particularly sad one. It's just a movie about a guy I share a lot of similarities and character traits (some would say defects - but those people are communists who listen to Abba) who tries to figure out where he went wrong. And I like that.
If you watch it, make sure you get the deleted scenes. There's this great bit where Rob is offered the greatest record collection of all time, with so many collector's wet dream rarities. He knows it's worth at least a hundred grand, and is trying to buy it for a couple of thousand dollars - the woman who is selling it knows exactly what it is worth, and wants to sell it for fifty bucks. She wants to get even with her cheating ex-husband. Rob, even though he knows the guy is a douche, can't do this to another collector, and there's this great reverse bargaining scene that always makes me crack a smile.
And of course, there's John Cusack's best monologue in movie history. Seriously. This even beats that part where he holds the boombox over his head. Apparently, though, it doesn't compare to a guy hitting a frickin' propeller.
Film Friday: The Princess Bride
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| The Princess Bride: just your basic film about a swash- buckling dread pirate in seach of adventure, revenge, and - of course- true love. |
The point is, the Princess Bride is kind of a great movie, and people who haven't seen it have obviously been robbed of basic human joy that is recognized by the U.N. as a human right.
I came across this realization when not one, but two of my co-workers mentioned having never seen it. And both are very bitter men.
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| "You seem like a very nice man; I'd hate to kill you." |
The second man is an aging hippie who plays folk music for tiny crowds and spends much of his work time calling third-rate record companies and internet press folks, speaking for all the world like he's about to make it big on the folk music scene. More power to him... except for the fact that his music sucks. When a few co-workers started quoting this movie, his response was more or less to the effect of "anything made after 1973 is garbage". Which explains his wardrobe.
Both of these people are bitter, angry men, who see absolutely no joy in life. And I think it's because they've never experienced the joy that is the Princess Bride.
They've obviously never spent an hour sitting on a couch with a friend, quoting obscure lines from the film before dissolving into fits of laughter. "Anybody have a peanut?" one of them should say, and the other one, in between chortles, could respond with "you keep on using that word; I do not think it means what you think it means".
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| "You seem like a very nice man... I'd hate to die." |
These two have never considered the possibility of "twoo wuve", or felt loved when their partner said "As you wish". They've never faced their demons in a climactic showdown with a six-fingered man, or bonded with their grandfather over a shared story.
They've most certainly never tried to figure out what the hell Andre the Giant was saying during his monologue.
And for that, they're dead to me.
Well, mostly dead. I mean, Miracle Max could always intervene.
Film Fridays: You haven't seen the Dark Knight?
During a conversation with a co-worker, I came to a stunning revelation: he had never seen The Dark Knight.
"You've never seen it!?" I asked, completely shocked. It was as if he had said he had never had ice cream, or was never let outside of his mother's basement until the day he turned eighteen.
"Never got around to it, I guess," he shrugged.
This might not seem weird to you folks out there on the internets, but I should explain. He's seen every other batman movie. He was in the line for Iron Man 2's debut. He owns over three thousand comics. In short, this is a guy who should be able to quote the movie from start to end. He's about two degrees of nerddom away from wearing a batman T-shirt to work, and just yesterday he told me in all seriousness that he's debating using the universal greeting from the transformers movie when meeting new people, just to see their reactions.
So, yeah, he should have seen The Dark Knight. As should everyone, because it's an amazing film.
Instead, he was perplexed when I asked him "why so serious?" in my creepiest Heath Ledger voice, and he had no idea what the Hell I was talking about when I mentioned making "this pencil disappear".
Trust me, my pop cultural references were comedy gold.
Something inside of me snapped, which is to be expected when you're a movie and music geek of epic proportions. People not sharing the same cultural experiences as myself must be educated - this is what we in the western world call "progress", and what every other culture in the world calls "why we can't speak our own language anymore".
On my break - instead of, you know, eating - I ran home, grabbed my DVD of The Dark Knight, and dropped it on his desk, beaming like a proud father.
"Trust me, you're going to love this."
And that was when I realized that I approach movies much like jehovah's witnesses approach religion - I have to spread them around, and convert the masses. I think I'm only about two weeks away from going door to door, and saying "greetings, do you have Charlie Kaufman in your life?" to random strangers.
I'm about two weeks away from declaring a holy war on the Wayan brothers. It'll be a Jihad for the ages.
I was thinking about this, feeling a little guilty for having dropped my DVD on my co-worker's desk, when I made a new revelation: I'm not the only person who thinks this way. Apparently, my co-workers agree with me. Because they were all equally surprised when they found out he hadn't seen the movie.
And they were just as surprised that he hadn't seen Fight Club, either. Or Pulp Fiction. Or Avatar.
By the end of the day, he had about five films stacked on his desk, because some of the freaks I work with actually drove home on their lunch breaks to give him these films for the weekend.
I work with some strange people.
"You've never seen it!?" I asked, completely shocked. It was as if he had said he had never had ice cream, or was never let outside of his mother's basement until the day he turned eighteen.
"Never got around to it, I guess," he shrugged.
This might not seem weird to you folks out there on the internets, but I should explain. He's seen every other batman movie. He was in the line for Iron Man 2's debut. He owns over three thousand comics. In short, this is a guy who should be able to quote the movie from start to end. He's about two degrees of nerddom away from wearing a batman T-shirt to work, and just yesterday he told me in all seriousness that he's debating using the universal greeting from the transformers movie when meeting new people, just to see their reactions.
So, yeah, he should have seen The Dark Knight. As should everyone, because it's an amazing film.
Instead, he was perplexed when I asked him "why so serious?" in my creepiest Heath Ledger voice, and he had no idea what the Hell I was talking about when I mentioned making "this pencil disappear".
Trust me, my pop cultural references were comedy gold.
Something inside of me snapped, which is to be expected when you're a movie and music geek of epic proportions. People not sharing the same cultural experiences as myself must be educated - this is what we in the western world call "progress", and what every other culture in the world calls "why we can't speak our own language anymore".
On my break - instead of, you know, eating - I ran home, grabbed my DVD of The Dark Knight, and dropped it on his desk, beaming like a proud father.
"Trust me, you're going to love this."
And that was when I realized that I approach movies much like jehovah's witnesses approach religion - I have to spread them around, and convert the masses. I think I'm only about two weeks away from going door to door, and saying "greetings, do you have Charlie Kaufman in your life?" to random strangers.
I'm about two weeks away from declaring a holy war on the Wayan brothers. It'll be a Jihad for the ages.
I was thinking about this, feeling a little guilty for having dropped my DVD on my co-worker's desk, when I made a new revelation: I'm not the only person who thinks this way. Apparently, my co-workers agree with me. Because they were all equally surprised when they found out he hadn't seen the movie.
And they were just as surprised that he hadn't seen Fight Club, either. Or Pulp Fiction. Or Avatar.
By the end of the day, he had about five films stacked on his desk, because some of the freaks I work with actually drove home on their lunch breaks to give him these films for the weekend.
I work with some strange people.
Film Fridays: Talk to me, Goose!
When I came into work yesterday, I found that my co-worker in the admin department (it's just the two of us, right now) wasn't going to be coming in, as his kid was sick. Since it was only the second time I'd be alone in the admin section, handling everything on my own, this was kind of noteworthy. Naturally, my supervisor (who works in another department) wanted to keep me aware of this, so he sent me an e-mail:
That was it. I had already figured out I was on my lonesome, but I decided to shoot an e-mail back. My supervisor is a "typical guy" in a lot of ways, so I decided to respond in the form of a movie every male of a certain age has seen: Top Gun. My reply went a little bit like this:
Y'see, Top Gun, while one of the dumbest movies ever made, is a movie that pretty much every guy has seen. When I was three or four, my mom had the Top Gun soundtrack, and I'd sing along to "highway to the danger zone". To this day, I still know the guitar licks to that main theme song. It's even been in a commercial or two.
Here's the thing, though. He had no idea what the hell I was talking about. He asked me about it later, and admitted he had never seen Top Gun. While he seems like a normal person, this is obviously a sign that he was raised in some sort of weird cult, with magic jello and matching running shoes.
The thing is, certain movies are part of our popular language. When I say to someone "I'm about to go Office Space on our printer", most people know that I want to beat said printer with a baseball bat. When I tell someone "It was a real Notebook moment, right there", everyone knows I'm saying it was a very sad time. And when I have my fingers in front of someone's face and say "These aren't the droids you're looking for", people know what I'm really saying is: "Holy shit, look at how much of a geek I am!".
You're flying solo today.
That was it. I had already figured out I was on my lonesome, but I decided to shoot an e-mail back. My supervisor is a "typical guy" in a lot of ways, so I decided to respond in the form of a movie every male of a certain age has seen: Top Gun. My reply went a little bit like this:
What? Maverick's flying solo? What happened to Goose!? Talk to me Goose! Talk to me!
Y'see, Top Gun, while one of the dumbest movies ever made, is a movie that pretty much every guy has seen. When I was three or four, my mom had the Top Gun soundtrack, and I'd sing along to "highway to the danger zone". To this day, I still know the guitar licks to that main theme song. It's even been in a commercial or two.
Here's the thing, though. He had no idea what the hell I was talking about. He asked me about it later, and admitted he had never seen Top Gun. While he seems like a normal person, this is obviously a sign that he was raised in some sort of weird cult, with magic jello and matching running shoes.
The thing is, certain movies are part of our popular language. When I say to someone "I'm about to go Office Space on our printer", most people know that I want to beat said printer with a baseball bat. When I tell someone "It was a real Notebook moment, right there", everyone knows I'm saying it was a very sad time. And when I have my fingers in front of someone's face and say "These aren't the droids you're looking for", people know what I'm really saying is: "Holy shit, look at how much of a geek I am!".
Film Fridays: Questionable Previews
While watching the previews for Funny People the other day, there was an ad for yet another American Pie movie. It looked like your typical umpteenth sequel, with just enough ties to the original that fans of the series (apparently, they exist) wouldn't be too upset.
For the record, the original American Pie was okay, for what it was. And the second one wasn't horrible, either. But it all sort of went downhill (well, even moreso) from there. So, I avoid the movies almost as much as I avoid the plague. Or Diet Pepsi.
Anyways, during the preview for this movie, there's a scene where he gets women to show him their breasts due to a poker game or something. And, amazingly, the preview actually shows the scene in its entirety. A few points:
The girls of my school, however, tended to not be of the "mostly plastic" variety. While quite a few were dumb (but hey, we all were - this is high school, we're talking about here), I'm pretty sure the average girls at my school were a far shot from being absolute bimbos who couldn't keep their shirts on in a poker game if their lives depended on it (that'll learn 'em for playing a Queen Seven off suit!)
This is probably a good thing, though. If I went to school with those bimbo-ey girls, my already abysmal high school grades would have dropped down even more. What can I say? I'm easily distracted.
(As a side note, I almost made a joke about how you could equate a woman's breast size with their average grade - if they were mostly As, they mostly got As.... and so on down the road. Luckily, I have matured through the years, and did not make that joke. You can all bask in my maturity).
For the record, the original American Pie was okay, for what it was. And the second one wasn't horrible, either. But it all sort of went downhill (well, even moreso) from there. So, I avoid the movies almost as much as I avoid the plague. Or Diet Pepsi.
Anyways, during the preview for this movie, there's a scene where he gets women to show him their breasts due to a poker game or something. And, amazingly, the preview actually shows the scene in its entirety. A few points:
- Are previews really allowed to do this? Don't previews have to follow a certain rating scale?
- What is the point of doing this? Shouldn't you show the hot women, cut the actual boob flashing, and then show the awesome reaction shot? As if to say "if you really want to see these women's breasts, you're gonna have to fork out some cash".
- Most importantly, how come this has never happened at any poker game I've ever played? Is there a new version of the rules I'm not informed of?
The girls of my school, however, tended to not be of the "mostly plastic" variety. While quite a few were dumb (but hey, we all were - this is high school, we're talking about here), I'm pretty sure the average girls at my school were a far shot from being absolute bimbos who couldn't keep their shirts on in a poker game if their lives depended on it (that'll learn 'em for playing a Queen Seven off suit!)
This is probably a good thing, though. If I went to school with those bimbo-ey girls, my already abysmal high school grades would have dropped down even more. What can I say? I'm easily distracted.
(As a side note, I almost made a joke about how you could equate a woman's breast size with their average grade - if they were mostly As, they mostly got As.... and so on down the road. Luckily, I have matured through the years, and did not make that joke. You can all bask in my maturity).
Film Friday: The Best Movie EVER MADE....
It's a well known fact that, these days, Hollywood is not a fan of original movies. The reasoning is actually pretty sound - movies that are based on original concepts have a chance to fail. It is much more profitable to instead make movies that belong to a franchise, since each new iteration will (in theory) draw in more and more fans.
Failing that, it is a better idea to make a movie based on an established trope or subject than it is to tread new territory - while many of those "new territory" films can wind up grossing a decent amount of money, they are just as likely to fail miserably, costing some studio exec his career and (more importantly) fancy parking space.
I'm not saying anything new, here. I think most people that watch movies are aware of this. It's why we see the same movies, again and again, and why we see other movies getting remade every ten years or so. How many batman movies have been made? How many batman movies have been made that offer different explanations for how batman came to be? Hell, did you hear that they're remaking spider-man?
You know, a movie that was released less than ten years ago?
I have a prediction. Someone in hollywood is going to make a movie that takes all of these subjects, all of these genres, and mashes them all together. Someone is going to take all of those high-grossing films, tie them together with a formulaic plot, and see what happens. And the awful thing is... it'll probably work.
I have the story already figured out. It goes a little something like this:
A rather attractive male in his late teens (played by an actor in his early thirties) gets a summer job working for his uncle at a strange island in costa rica. During the nights, he goes to a seaside village community and dances in front of the locals, where he of course meets another attractive teen (played by an actress who is as close to 18 as possible, so she can show bewb) - and they strike off a happy go lucky relationship.
Then the dinosaurs attack. These dinosaurs are (of course) bred by our hero's uncle, and they swarm over the island, killing all of the ethnic locals while letting the white man (and a witty black guy who seems to only speak in one-liners) run free. Luckily, our male lead develops super powers due to a dinosaur bite, and is able to fight them off. Also, he has a shotgun. And a muscle shirt that gets covered in sweat.
At one point, the dinosaurs put our heroine in a corner. And nobody puts her in a corner. So our hero busts in and beats them up. At this point, we discover our brooding heroine is a vampire who twinkles in the sunlight. She thanks our hero by gazing up at him, longingly.
Then a T-Rex breaks in, and transforms into a truck for some reason. To escape, our heroes jump into a car and time travel back to the start of the movie, where comic hijinx ensure. The heroes have a passionate kiss, and try to escape on the cruise ship that is leaving the island. Our hero even draws a picture of his nekkid girflriend (yay for 18 year old bewbs!).
Of course, the ship sinks because it hit an iceberg. In Costa Rica. So, the heroes get back in the time-travelling DeLorean and make it back to the present time, where the shape-changing T-Rex is now trying to get a career started as a rapper. This career fails, and the dinosaur falls over, clutching its chest. A baby velociprator emerges, and runs around. It is, apparently, very scary, because our heroes hide behind a door. "it's a good thing they can't open doors" our heroine says.
Of course, the next scene involves the door slowly, ominously, being opened. And then we have a thrilling climax in which there's a shootout and a car chase, for some reason. Because not only can this velociraptor open doors, but it also apparently able to drive stick.
Failing that, it is a better idea to make a movie based on an established trope or subject than it is to tread new territory - while many of those "new territory" films can wind up grossing a decent amount of money, they are just as likely to fail miserably, costing some studio exec his career and (more importantly) fancy parking space.
I'm not saying anything new, here. I think most people that watch movies are aware of this. It's why we see the same movies, again and again, and why we see other movies getting remade every ten years or so. How many batman movies have been made? How many batman movies have been made that offer different explanations for how batman came to be? Hell, did you hear that they're remaking spider-man?
You know, a movie that was released less than ten years ago?
I have a prediction. Someone in hollywood is going to make a movie that takes all of these subjects, all of these genres, and mashes them all together. Someone is going to take all of those high-grossing films, tie them together with a formulaic plot, and see what happens. And the awful thing is... it'll probably work.
I have the story already figured out. It goes a little something like this:
A rather attractive male in his late teens (played by an actor in his early thirties) gets a summer job working for his uncle at a strange island in costa rica. During the nights, he goes to a seaside village community and dances in front of the locals, where he of course meets another attractive teen (played by an actress who is as close to 18 as possible, so she can show bewb) - and they strike off a happy go lucky relationship.
Then the dinosaurs attack. These dinosaurs are (of course) bred by our hero's uncle, and they swarm over the island, killing all of the ethnic locals while letting the white man (and a witty black guy who seems to only speak in one-liners) run free. Luckily, our male lead develops super powers due to a dinosaur bite, and is able to fight them off. Also, he has a shotgun. And a muscle shirt that gets covered in sweat.
At one point, the dinosaurs put our heroine in a corner. And nobody puts her in a corner. So our hero busts in and beats them up. At this point, we discover our brooding heroine is a vampire who twinkles in the sunlight. She thanks our hero by gazing up at him, longingly.
Then a T-Rex breaks in, and transforms into a truck for some reason. To escape, our heroes jump into a car and time travel back to the start of the movie, where comic hijinx ensure. The heroes have a passionate kiss, and try to escape on the cruise ship that is leaving the island. Our hero even draws a picture of his nekkid girflriend (yay for 18 year old bewbs!).
Of course, the ship sinks because it hit an iceberg. In Costa Rica. So, the heroes get back in the time-travelling DeLorean and make it back to the present time, where the shape-changing T-Rex is now trying to get a career started as a rapper. This career fails, and the dinosaur falls over, clutching its chest. A baby velociprator emerges, and runs around. It is, apparently, very scary, because our heroes hide behind a door. "it's a good thing they can't open doors" our heroine says.
Of course, the next scene involves the door slowly, ominously, being opened. And then we have a thrilling climax in which there's a shootout and a car chase, for some reason. Because not only can this velociraptor open doors, but it also apparently able to drive stick.
Film Friday: ...I...am.... IRON MANNNN!
I finally saw it last week, with the special lady. The first one- I don't know if I'll ever get off my butt and watch the second one.
It was one of those movies that people have been telling me to watch since, well, since it came out. "It's right up your alley - funny movie". Of course, I ignored them - super hero movies being, of course, utterly brainless and not worth my time. I mean, I like casual movies - I've posted about this a few times - but something about super hero movies just doesn't do it for me.
But, I finally saw Iron Man. And I enjoyed it. Granted, it won't be on any top 50 lists or anything, but it had some highly entertaining moments.
Watching it, it made me think about movies I have never seen, but have already decided I wouldn't like. And the list gets longer and longer every month. Transformers 1 & 2 are on that list. So are the last two Star Wars movies that came out. Kill Bill is up there, along with Inglourious Basterds, simply because Tarantino films are hit or miss with me. And the list goes on and on.
And this, of course, makes me wonder if maybe I'm missing something. Maybe Transformers is an awesome movie, filled with laughs and deep insights. Maybe it is Michael Bay's opus, his crowning work and an apology for all the other trash he has inflicted upon us over the years.
Then again, maybe it's just a movie about giant robots that turn into cars beating the crap out of each other.
I went for a good couple of years missing out on a good movie because I thought it was just a dumb film with a guy in a robot suit flying around. When I finally did watch it - and yes, it's a movie about a guy in a robot suit flying around... and so much more - I will admit to having underestimated it. But if I had never seen it?
Well, if I had never seen it, my life would be pretty much exactly the same. Except I'd be trying to think of something else to write a post about right now.
It was one of those movies that people have been telling me to watch since, well, since it came out. "It's right up your alley - funny movie". Of course, I ignored them - super hero movies being, of course, utterly brainless and not worth my time. I mean, I like casual movies - I've posted about this a few times - but something about super hero movies just doesn't do it for me.
But, I finally saw Iron Man. And I enjoyed it. Granted, it won't be on any top 50 lists or anything, but it had some highly entertaining moments.
Watching it, it made me think about movies I have never seen, but have already decided I wouldn't like. And the list gets longer and longer every month. Transformers 1 & 2 are on that list. So are the last two Star Wars movies that came out. Kill Bill is up there, along with Inglourious Basterds, simply because Tarantino films are hit or miss with me. And the list goes on and on.
And this, of course, makes me wonder if maybe I'm missing something. Maybe Transformers is an awesome movie, filled with laughs and deep insights. Maybe it is Michael Bay's opus, his crowning work and an apology for all the other trash he has inflicted upon us over the years.
Then again, maybe it's just a movie about giant robots that turn into cars beating the crap out of each other.
I went for a good couple of years missing out on a good movie because I thought it was just a dumb film with a guy in a robot suit flying around. When I finally did watch it - and yes, it's a movie about a guy in a robot suit flying around... and so much more - I will admit to having underestimated it. But if I had never seen it?
Well, if I had never seen it, my life would be pretty much exactly the same. Except I'd be trying to think of something else to write a post about right now.
Film Fridays: Indie Filmmaking
After watching a bazillion movies on youtube, I'm tempted to do it myself. Put down the five hundred bucks to buy a decent camera, and maybe another couple hundred to get some basic sound gear. Buy myself a mac for editing purposes. In all, spend about two grand.
...and then start unleashing madness upon the world.
See, I've been blogging, often about movies, for a good nine months now. And a part of me is wanting to put my money where my mouth is, and actually release something. I don't necessarily know what, yet. But it involves barbarians. And the 1980s.
And a Kraken.
Which begs the question: how does one film a kraken with a special effects budget of around ten dollars?
I'm in talks with Harryhausen. Who is apparently dead. Luckily, seances are fairly cheap.
...and then start unleashing madness upon the world.
See, I've been blogging, often about movies, for a good nine months now. And a part of me is wanting to put my money where my mouth is, and actually release something. I don't necessarily know what, yet. But it involves barbarians. And the 1980s.
And a Kraken.
Which begs the question: how does one film a kraken with a special effects budget of around ten dollars?
I'm in talks with Harryhausen. Who is apparently dead. Luckily, seances are fairly cheap.
Film Friday: Whoa
To quote Keanu Reeves in every movie he's ever been in:
Whoa.
Some people have a lot of time on their hands. And, really, this is a good thing. I mean, seriously you guys. Check that out!
Whoa.
Some people have a lot of time on their hands. And, really, this is a good thing. I mean, seriously you guys. Check that out!
Film Friday: Movie, or Film?
I clued into something a few weeks back - you can tell a lot about a person about the terminology they use to describe the mediums they enjoy. There is a world of difference between a person who "loves movies" and a guy who "loves films". Just as the people who "love music" are different from those who "listen to CDs", or the freaks such as myself who "love albums". There are people who "love books", and people who "love literature". And so on, and so forth - I hope you're getting my point.
But what is the difference between a movie and a film? I think ultimately, we could argue that a "movie" is a film that the person who is talking didn't like all that much. But then, in my mind, I'm not too sure - there are plenty of movies I absolutely adore: the Back to the Future trilogy, Monsters Inc., Die Hard.
For me, I think the difference is one of intent - if the piece exists primarily as a form of entertainment (and despite what the artistas will tell you, there's is absolutely nothing wrong with this), then we can describe it as a movie. But if the movie tries to appeal on a broader emotional level, perhaps making a statement or changing the viewer, then it is a film.
In other words, if you walk out of the theatre laughing and discussing some of the jokes you saw, or reliving the crazy car chase - but the conversation doesn't get much deeper than that - then you just saw a movie. But if you leave that theatre somehow different - even slightly - then you may have just seen a film.
If you walked out of the theatre confused, angry, and feeling slightly ripped off - you've just been Uwe Boll'd. Sucks to be you.
But what is the difference between a movie and a film? I think ultimately, we could argue that a "movie" is a film that the person who is talking didn't like all that much. But then, in my mind, I'm not too sure - there are plenty of movies I absolutely adore: the Back to the Future trilogy, Monsters Inc., Die Hard.
For me, I think the difference is one of intent - if the piece exists primarily as a form of entertainment (and despite what the artistas will tell you, there's is absolutely nothing wrong with this), then we can describe it as a movie. But if the movie tries to appeal on a broader emotional level, perhaps making a statement or changing the viewer, then it is a film.
In other words, if you walk out of the theatre laughing and discussing some of the jokes you saw, or reliving the crazy car chase - but the conversation doesn't get much deeper than that - then you just saw a movie. But if you leave that theatre somehow different - even slightly - then you may have just seen a film.
If you walked out of the theatre confused, angry, and feeling slightly ripped off - you've just been Uwe Boll'd. Sucks to be you.
Film Friday: The Answers!
I know y'all have been waiting, so here they are... the answers to last week's movie quiz!
- In that famous "deli orgasm scene" from When Harry Met Sally, the woman who says "I'll have what she's having" is actually Meg Ryan's real-life mother. Answer: False. The woman is actually director Rob Reiner's mother, though for some reason she is usually identified as Ryan's mother.
- During the chariot-race scene in the 1959 film Ben Hur, one of the stuntmen fell from a Chariot and was trampled by a horse. His death was caught on camera, and included in the final cut of the film. Answer: False. The only injury in that scene was a cut on the chin by one of the stuntmen. Urban Legends strike again!
- While filming Jurassic Park, critics pointed out that real-life velociraptors were only half the size of those depicted in the film. However, before filming was complete, a velociraptor skeleton was found that closely resembled that in the film, and was nicknamed "Spielberg's Raptor". Answer: True. The raptor species is commonly known as the Utahraptor, after the state it was discovered in.
- While he played Indiana Jones' father in The Last Crusade, in reality, Sean Connery is only six years older than Ford. Answer: True. Apparently, old people are scary in movies.
- In The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, all of the main characters spoke Italian in the scenes, and were overdubbed into English for the western release. Clint Eastwood have to overdub his own voice back into English, being the first actor to ever do a voiceover for his own performance. Answer: False. Clint Eastwood did all his speaking parts in English, while other actors spoke in Italian (and were overdubbed for the Western Release).
- On the final night of shooting the film Titanic, pranksters mixed PCP (Angel Dust) into a clam chowder served to the cast and crew. Over 80 people fell ill, many being hospitalized with hallucinations. Answer: True. Bill Paxton felt completely listless for weeks after the event. Every member of the crew suffered the same hallucination, too - the mistaken belief that they had all worked on a halfway decent film.
- More money was spent on advertising and promotion for the film Animal House than was spent on the film itself. Answer: True. Let that be a lesson to you, Michael Bay!
- During the filming of Gladiator, new laws arose in Greece that prevented the use of animals in violent action scenes, causing those scenes to instead be filmed on a soundstage in Los Angeles. Answer: False... Gladiator was filmed in Italy. And those laws never existed. Also, Los Angeles isn't a real place.
- There was a widespread internet petition to have the title of Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers changed, as many fans unfamiliar with Tolkien's 1960s classics felt that the name was in poor taste (referencing the then-recent September 11th attacks). Answer: Unfortunately, True. People are idiots.
- Kevin Costner has no recollection of ever directing his box office disaster, the Postman. He simply does not remember doing so, and would later claim he was on heavy painkillers and prescription meds during the entire production run of the movie. Answer: False. But I'm pretty sure Costner was on one drug or another when he made that movie. And not those performance-enhancing drugs, either.
Film Friday: Some Little Known Facts About Movies
Movies are great, especially if you are a trivia-orientated nerd such as myself. Such movie fans can tell you with calm certainty that Harrison Ford only shot that dervish in Raiders because he had a stomach bug that day and wasn't up for the fight scene, or that George Lucas was forced to resign from the director's guild because of his decision to begin Star Wars with no opening credits. These facts are, in fact, our bread and butter.
If you watch a movie with me, I'll point out all those little factoids. It is, in fact, quite annoying for average movie fans. Personally, I think it makes me awesome... but most normal people would probably disagree.
But I figured I would create a game. Some of the following facts are true... others are completely bogus. Some are urban legends, some are mistellings, and others are hard fact. It's your game to guess. Simply guess whether each fact is true or false. I'll post the answers sometime next week.
Have fun!
If you watch a movie with me, I'll point out all those little factoids. It is, in fact, quite annoying for average movie fans. Personally, I think it makes me awesome... but most normal people would probably disagree.
But I figured I would create a game. Some of the following facts are true... others are completely bogus. Some are urban legends, some are mistellings, and others are hard fact. It's your game to guess. Simply guess whether each fact is true or false. I'll post the answers sometime next week.
Have fun!
- In that famous "deli orgasm scene" from When Harry Met Sally, the woman who says "I'll have what she's having" is actually Meg Ryan's real-life mother.
- During the chariot-race scene in the 1959 film Ben Hur, one of the stuntmen fell from a Chariot and was trampled by a horse. His death was caught on camera, and included in the final cut of the film.
- While filming Jurassic Park, critics pointed out that real-life velociraptors were only half the size of those depicted in the film. However, before filming was complete, a velociraptor skeleton was found that closely resembled that in the film, and was nicknamed "Spielberg's Raptor".
- While he played Indiana Jones' father in The Last Crusade, in reality, Sean Connery is only six years older than Ford.
- In The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, all of the main characters spoke Italian in the scenes, and were overdubbed into English for the western release. Clint Eastwood have to overdub his own voice back into English, being the first actor to ever do a voiceover for his own performance.
- On the final night of shooting the film Titanic, pranksters mixed PCP (Angel Dust) into a clam chowder served to the cast and crew. Over 80 people fell ill, many being hospitalized with hallucinations.
- More money was spent on advertising and promotion for the film Animal House than was spent on the film itself.
- During the filming of Gladiator, new laws arose in Greece that prevented the use of animals in violent action scenes, causing those scenes to instead be filmed on a soundstage in Los Angeles.
- There was a widespread internet petition to have the title of Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers changed, as many fans unfamiliar with Tolkien's 1960s classics felt that the name was in poor taste (referencing the then-recent September 11th attacks).
- Kevin Costner has no recollection of ever directing his box office disaster, the Postman. He simply does not remember doing so, and would later claim he was on heavy painkillers and prescription meds during the entire production run of the movie.
Film Friday: The Book was Better...
It's become almost a cliche - a movie comes out, and someone inevitably says "the book was better". People scowl, and make faces. And the speaker carries on, listing all the reasons why the book was infinitely better - until someone hits her with a hammer.
(I saw a scene like that in a movie once. Someone told me the scene came from a book, and it was better done there. So I hit her with a hammer. But I digress.)\
The thing is, though, I'm not sure I buy that line of reasoning. I can think of quite a few movies that were better than the book. Fight Club, for example, is infinitely better - even the author says so. Philip K. Dick, while never getting the chance to see the final version of Blade Runner, was incredibly excited by the book, actually saying the makers had produced something that Dick had been unable to after decades of writing. And let's not even talk about Jurassic Park, The Princess Bride, or The Lord of the Rings (cue nerd rage in 3.... 2.... 1....)
I bring this up because I just finished reading Nick Hornby's A Long Way Down. Hornby, for those that don't know, wrote High Fidelity and About a Boy, among other greats. And those two books were made into two brilliant films - High Fidelity is, in fact, one of my top three movies of all time.
Both of those films, by the way, slightly beat out the book - High Fidelity just has some great poetic additions in the film (particularly the part where Rob starts talking about what he loves about Laura - watch that frigging scene!), whereas About a Boy's film ending costs a bit more for the character than in the book (Will remains a witness to events in the book, with his profound change being entirely internal, as opposed to Will having to make an effort to help someone else in the film).
But after reading A Long Way Down, I knew that it would be a bad movie. Why? I'm not entirely sure. I think it may have to do that there's really not much that happens in the story - it mostly consists of four people wondering about their lives in a sort of depressing manner.
See, the plot is basically as follows: four strangers converge upon a rooftop known as a suicide point on New Year's Eve, each wanting to end their life. Because they're all there, the "moment is gone", so instead they hang out. And they start to look out for each other, talking each other out of ending it all - and start to put together why life is worth living. It's a downer book, but also hilarious - it has some of the funniest scenes I've ever read. Such as:
Just look at the Postman. Children of the Corn. The Stand. I Am Legend. Starship Troopers.
In those cases, yeah, the book was better.
Please don't hit me with a hammer.
(I saw a scene like that in a movie once. Someone told me the scene came from a book, and it was better done there. So I hit her with a hammer. But I digress.)\
The thing is, though, I'm not sure I buy that line of reasoning. I can think of quite a few movies that were better than the book. Fight Club, for example, is infinitely better - even the author says so. Philip K. Dick, while never getting the chance to see the final version of Blade Runner, was incredibly excited by the book, actually saying the makers had produced something that Dick had been unable to after decades of writing. And let's not even talk about Jurassic Park, The Princess Bride, or The Lord of the Rings (cue nerd rage in 3.... 2.... 1....)
Both of those films, by the way, slightly beat out the book - High Fidelity just has some great poetic additions in the film (particularly the part where Rob starts talking about what he loves about Laura - watch that frigging scene!), whereas About a Boy's film ending costs a bit more for the character than in the book (Will remains a witness to events in the book, with his profound change being entirely internal, as opposed to Will having to make an effort to help someone else in the film).
But after reading A Long Way Down, I knew that it would be a bad movie. Why? I'm not entirely sure. I think it may have to do that there's really not much that happens in the story - it mostly consists of four people wondering about their lives in a sort of depressing manner.
See, the plot is basically as follows: four strangers converge upon a rooftop known as a suicide point on New Year's Eve, each wanting to end their life. Because they're all there, the "moment is gone", so instead they hang out. And they start to look out for each other, talking each other out of ending it all - and start to put together why life is worth living. It's a downer book, but also hilarious - it has some of the funniest scenes I've ever read. Such as:
...I split thursday afternoons with a man called DJ GoodNews, who speaks to the dead, usually on behalf of the receptionist, the window cleaner, the minicab driver booked to take him home, or anyone else who happens to be passing through: "Does the letter 'A' mean anything to you, Asif?" and so on. The other afternoons are taken up by tapes of old dog races from the U.S. - once upon a time the intention was to offer the viewers the chance to bet, but nothing ever came of it, and in my opinion, if you can't bet, then dog racing, especially old dog racing, loses some of its appeal. During the evening, two women sit talking to each other, in and usually about their underwear, while viewers text them lewd messages, which they ignore. And that's more or less it. Declan runs the station on behald of a mysterious Asian businessman, and those of us who work for FeetUp!TV can only presume that somehow, in ways too obtuse and sophisticated for us to decipher, we are somehow involved in the trafficking of class A drugs and child pornography. One theory is that the dogs in the races are sending out encoded messages to the traffickers: If, say, the dog in the outside lane wins, then that is a message to the Thai contact that he should send a couple of kilos of heroin and four thirteen-year-olds first thing in the morning. Something like that anyway.While crude, it is the funniest thing I've read in years. And would that ever translate well into a film? I can't really see it - it would lose its appeal. And without the humour, it's just a book about four people talking about suicide, without ever actually doing it (see, it's kind of uplifting while also being a huge downer...) Some movies, I guess, should never be made into books. Unfortunately, they often are.
Just look at the Postman. Children of the Corn. The Stand. I Am Legend. Starship Troopers.
In those cases, yeah, the book was better.
Please don't hit me with a hammer.
Film Friday: What? You haven't seen....
We've all been there. Talking to someone about movies, and you mention a movie that has become something of a cornerstone of pop culture. And then the person you're talking to fesses up and says "Actually, I've never seen that movie". Without thinking, you ask that lovely question:
If you're like me, you'll follow that question with something like "Did you grow up in a cult?" or "Were you raised in a cave?" Because there are only a few reasons why a person has not seen Jurassic Park, The Sixth Sense, or The Princess Bride. Hell, convicted felons who have been in prison since before the moon landings have probably seen these movies.
This conversation has come up a few times in the last few weeks at work. The first time it happened was when one of the supervisors, who is Chinese (though he's been in the country for at least a few years), had no idea what I was talking about when I started quoting Star Wars. In fact, he had no idea what Star Wars was. This blew my mind, because everyone knows that the chinese are nerds, and nerds love Star Wars, right? Or am I unfairly stereotyping, here?
(to be honest, he actually was a huge nerd. And he did know Star Wars in the end, but had only seen one of the movies, in chinese, where there's a different title).
Then it came up again later, talking to a guy who didn't own a TV, but loved movies. As he told me during our conversation, he watches maybe five movies a week, and has been doing this for several months. And yet, he had never seen Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Or The Sixth Sense. Or When Harry Met Sally. Or Thelma and Louise. Or Alien. Or The Princess Bride.
This depressed me. and it's made me realize that there should be some sort of introductory movie package. A list of movies that everyone has to see - a movie care package, as it were. The way I see it, we gather up all these films, put them in a nice package, and give them away with every DVD player sold, as sort of a training set for first time film-watchers. Not movies that everyone should see, but movies that everyone has to see. Films that are referenced time and time again in popular culture. A few movies that belong on this list:
"What? You haven't seen that movie?"
If you're like me, you'll follow that question with something like "Did you grow up in a cult?" or "Were you raised in a cave?" Because there are only a few reasons why a person has not seen Jurassic Park, The Sixth Sense, or The Princess Bride. Hell, convicted felons who have been in prison since before the moon landings have probably seen these movies.
This conversation has come up a few times in the last few weeks at work. The first time it happened was when one of the supervisors, who is Chinese (though he's been in the country for at least a few years), had no idea what I was talking about when I started quoting Star Wars. In fact, he had no idea what Star Wars was. This blew my mind, because everyone knows that the chinese are nerds, and nerds love Star Wars, right? Or am I unfairly stereotyping, here?
(to be honest, he actually was a huge nerd. And he did know Star Wars in the end, but had only seen one of the movies, in chinese, where there's a different title).
Then it came up again later, talking to a guy who didn't own a TV, but loved movies. As he told me during our conversation, he watches maybe five movies a week, and has been doing this for several months. And yet, he had never seen Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Or The Sixth Sense. Or When Harry Met Sally. Or Thelma and Louise. Or Alien. Or The Princess Bride.
This depressed me. and it's made me realize that there should be some sort of introductory movie package. A list of movies that everyone has to see - a movie care package, as it were. The way I see it, we gather up all these films, put them in a nice package, and give them away with every DVD player sold, as sort of a training set for first time film-watchers. Not movies that everyone should see, but movies that everyone has to see. Films that are referenced time and time again in popular culture. A few movies that belong on this list:
- Jurassic Park
- The Princess Bride
- The Sixth Sense
- Ferris Bueller's Day Off
- Pulp Fiction
- Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
- Beauty and the Beast
- Wizard of Oz
- ET
- The Godfather
- Star Wars IV: A New Hope
Film Friday: Blow Your Mind? Seriously?
I've been kicking around on http://www.stumbleupon.com/ lately, which is pretty much the biggest time sink going right now. I'll go "hey, I have an hour to kill", and three hours later, I'm still glued to my computer, reading obscure Star Wars trivia or listening to this random chick playing violin in a recording studio and making it awesome (wish I had saved that link!).
I came across this list, titled "The Red Pill: 10 Films Guaranteed to Blow Your Mind". And it's a pretty generic list. I mean, Fight Club? The Matrix? Seriously?
So, I figure I'll add to it a bit, and add ten more films that the author forgot. However, I'll do it in a quicker format, and possibly sound less douchie. Or so I hope. So, without any further ado...
1. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind: Ponders the nature of memory and love. What attracts us to people? Is it a character compatibility, or the nature of our meetings?
2. Being John Malkovich: A weird, existential comedy that is pure brilliance. Plus, it has John Cusack. I hear he's pretty good, y'know.
3. Solaris: Either the original, or the remake with George Clooney. Another one that explores memory and the nature of humanity. Very pretty.
4. Pay it Forward: it isn't a mindfuck movie, but it is one that will change your perspective on life. And the original list had American Beauty... which, while great, lacked the impact of Pay it Forward. So there.
5. Bladerunner: Seriously, how can you exclude this movie? Bladerunner is the original "mess with your mind" film. What is it to be a human? What is the nature of memory? How do we define morality? Love?
6. District 9: First time I saw this film, my mind was thoroughly blown upon seeing the aliens living in squalor in a ship. It's a great movie, where the humans are the ultimate bad guys, and yet the aliens are far from lovable victims. Great metaphor for Apartheid that is, unfortunately, a little late.
7. Gaslight: An old film where a man tries to make his wife go insane. He spends the whole film toying with her head, and nearly drives her nuts for personal reasons. Kind of points out the thin line between sanity and little rubber rooms.
8. Akira: Too bad it was originally in japanese. And, um, a cartoon. Because it's a great look at how humans deal with power - our main character, Tetsuo, has godlike power... and he abuses it. As we look into his past, we see how he's longed for affection and acceptance - and then we see how it plays out.
9. Contact: Okay. Everyone hates this movie because "you don't get to see the Alien". Well, boo hoo. It's not about Aliens, idiots. It's about the role of religion in the scientific world, how faith interacts with politics, and how political systems and religious idealogies can get in the way of human progress. Also, it's about how much Carl Sagan hates religion... and yet, the religious character is almost sympathetic...
10. Groundhog Day: I mean, how is this not on the list? Seriously, guys. I mean, really. The fact that this film wasn't on that list actually kind of bugs me.
I came across this list, titled "The Red Pill: 10 Films Guaranteed to Blow Your Mind". And it's a pretty generic list. I mean, Fight Club? The Matrix? Seriously?
So, I figure I'll add to it a bit, and add ten more films that the author forgot. However, I'll do it in a quicker format, and possibly sound less douchie. Or so I hope. So, without any further ado...
Ten More Films that Will Blow Your Mind:
1. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind: Ponders the nature of memory and love. What attracts us to people? Is it a character compatibility, or the nature of our meetings?
2. Being John Malkovich: A weird, existential comedy that is pure brilliance. Plus, it has John Cusack. I hear he's pretty good, y'know.
3. Solaris: Either the original, or the remake with George Clooney. Another one that explores memory and the nature of humanity. Very pretty.
4. Pay it Forward: it isn't a mindfuck movie, but it is one that will change your perspective on life. And the original list had American Beauty... which, while great, lacked the impact of Pay it Forward. So there.
5. Bladerunner: Seriously, how can you exclude this movie? Bladerunner is the original "mess with your mind" film. What is it to be a human? What is the nature of memory? How do we define morality? Love?
6. District 9: First time I saw this film, my mind was thoroughly blown upon seeing the aliens living in squalor in a ship. It's a great movie, where the humans are the ultimate bad guys, and yet the aliens are far from lovable victims. Great metaphor for Apartheid that is, unfortunately, a little late.
7. Gaslight: An old film where a man tries to make his wife go insane. He spends the whole film toying with her head, and nearly drives her nuts for personal reasons. Kind of points out the thin line between sanity and little rubber rooms.
8. Akira: Too bad it was originally in japanese. And, um, a cartoon. Because it's a great look at how humans deal with power - our main character, Tetsuo, has godlike power... and he abuses it. As we look into his past, we see how he's longed for affection and acceptance - and then we see how it plays out.
9. Contact: Okay. Everyone hates this movie because "you don't get to see the Alien". Well, boo hoo. It's not about Aliens, idiots. It's about the role of religion in the scientific world, how faith interacts with politics, and how political systems and religious idealogies can get in the way of human progress. Also, it's about how much Carl Sagan hates religion... and yet, the religious character is almost sympathetic...
10. Groundhog Day: I mean, how is this not on the list? Seriously, guys. I mean, really. The fact that this film wasn't on that list actually kind of bugs me.
Supermodels vs. Bear
As a part-time insomniac, I am required by law to occasionally get super sleep-deprived and make poor decisions. This is the reason I own movies like Alexander and The Ringer... in my sleep-addled state, I looked at those films and said "how can they go wrong!?"
However, despite some of the problems that come from sleep-addled declarations, often I stumble across ingenius little ideas that are destined to turn me into a millionaire. Enter the newest idea for a reality TV series...
Here's the idea. Every episode, we put a specially-picked dream team of aspiring supermodels picked up off the streets of Los Angeles. These women, thankful to put their low-grade porn days behind them, wish to win the big prize - some sort of crappy modelling job where they get to wear shiny clothes and get photos taken of them. I don't fully understand how to entice model-folk, but I imagine their attraction to clothes is sort of similar to a magpie's attraction to shiny objects.
How do they win that prize? Well, the team of models have to defeat a trained Grizzly Bear in a no-holds-barred cage match, Mixed-Martial-Arts style. If the women can pummel that bear into submission, then the prettiest (alive) woman at the end gets the modelling contract. Of course, it's not as easy as it sounds. Because, see, we don't feed that Grizzly Bear for a few days before the bout. Also, models killed that bear's mother and wore her skin, so it's kind of got a personal vendetta thing going on towards models.
This is gonna be a great show. The women get to see reality TV, models competing against one another, hair, and clothes. And then men get to see a Bear tearing the shit out of hot girls. Really, it doesn't matter who wins in the end - the way I see it, it's a win-win situation.
However, despite some of the problems that come from sleep-addled declarations, often I stumble across ingenius little ideas that are destined to turn me into a millionaire. Enter the newest idea for a reality TV series...
Supermodels vs. Bear
How do they win that prize? Well, the team of models have to defeat a trained Grizzly Bear in a no-holds-barred cage match, Mixed-Martial-Arts style. If the women can pummel that bear into submission, then the prettiest (alive) woman at the end gets the modelling contract. Of course, it's not as easy as it sounds. Because, see, we don't feed that Grizzly Bear for a few days before the bout. Also, models killed that bear's mother and wore her skin, so it's kind of got a personal vendetta thing going on towards models.
This is gonna be a great show. The women get to see reality TV, models competing against one another, hair, and clothes. And then men get to see a Bear tearing the shit out of hot girls. Really, it doesn't matter who wins in the end - the way I see it, it's a win-win situation.
Film Friday: Start with a bang, and then... nothing.
You know what bugs me?
Okay, wait. To be fair, if I ask an open question like that, we'll be here all week - there are a lot of things that bug me. Some of which I don't actually think about too often, but would be bugged by were I to take the time to ponder them. So, in the interest of brevity, I'll cut to the chase.
I am annoyed by movies that start off amazingly well, to grab your attention, and then wander off into nowheresville. I'm not talking about movies with great opening scenes, mind you - I'm talking about movies that have a great first ten, twenty minutes, and then fade away into mediocrity.
What? You want some examples? Sure, easy enough (unfortunately).
My solution to these "come too soon" films? I don't know, but my first impulse was to go with something bukkake-themed. Luckily, I've matured a bit in my old age, so we'll go with something a bit more adult.
Fire the directors out of a cannon. But, to show how we are much more skilled in the art of building suspense, we'll work our way up to the cannon, with some slow torture first. What kind of slow torture?
The directors have to watch their movie. All of it... not just the first twenty minutes.
Okay, wait. To be fair, if I ask an open question like that, we'll be here all week - there are a lot of things that bug me. Some of which I don't actually think about too often, but would be bugged by were I to take the time to ponder them. So, in the interest of brevity, I'll cut to the chase.
I am annoyed by movies that start off amazingly well, to grab your attention, and then wander off into nowheresville. I'm not talking about movies with great opening scenes, mind you - I'm talking about movies that have a great first ten, twenty minutes, and then fade away into mediocrity.
What? You want some examples? Sure, easy enough (unfortunately).
- 28 Days Later: Think about it. The movie starts off with this amazingly awesome series of scenes in which our main character walks about an abandoned London. Hell, the first act of the movie is A+, all around. And then it starts to peter out... and then the characters leave London... and the movie falls apart. Terrible waste, really.
- The Quiet Earth: You've probably never heard of this Australian movie. It starts off much like 28 days later, in fact - one man, alone in the world. However, here, he really is alone - the last human being... or, really, the last living creature. He wanders Australia by himself, slowly going crazy... and then the movie wusses out and starts introducing other humans. And then it just gets stupid. Lame.
- The Postman: Oh, god. How I wish this movie remained awesome. Oh, how I wish... by the time Tom Petty appears (as himself... in a post-apocalyptic wasteland), it just meanders into the realm of caricature. Gah.
My solution to these "come too soon" films? I don't know, but my first impulse was to go with something bukkake-themed. Luckily, I've matured a bit in my old age, so we'll go with something a bit more adult.
Fire the directors out of a cannon. But, to show how we are much more skilled in the art of building suspense, we'll work our way up to the cannon, with some slow torture first. What kind of slow torture?
The directors have to watch their movie. All of it... not just the first twenty minutes.
Film Friday: Fun Fact: I said "John Cusack" ten times in this post... eleven, if you count the title.
My haiku this week is based off a real event. I was lying in bed a few nights ago, and realized - I am John Cusack from High Fidelity. Now, I've often noticed that I share similarities with that most excellent of characters, but lying in bed at 1 am on a weekday is a bad time to discover that the character that most resembles you in cinema is not Indiana Jones, Luke Skywalker, John McClane, or The Man With No Name.
1 am is a bad time to learn that the character you most resemble is a neurotic man who knows far too much information on the trivialities of life and yet has a very hard time getting the big picture. It's really one of those depressing discoveries, like finding out there is no tooth fairy, or that Phil Collins didn't actually write "In the Air Tonight" about a murder he witnessed when he was a little kid... and do you see what I mean about knowing too much about trivial things!?
Now, if you haven't seen High Fidelity, you're probably a little lost here. Allow me to sum up the general gist of the movie in this little paragraph:
They are, indeed, very bad things.
So, new goal in life. I want to be John Cusack in Say Anything, not John Cusack in High Fidelity. I want to be the cool John Cusack in The Ice Harvest... not the neurotic John Cusack in High Fidelity. Hell, I wouldn't even mind being John Cusack in America's Sweethearts, or Serendipity... anything but John Cusack in High Fidelity.
Wouldn't mind having that record collection, though...
1 am is a bad time to learn that the character you most resemble is a neurotic man who knows far too much information on the trivialities of life and yet has a very hard time getting the big picture. It's really one of those depressing discoveries, like finding out there is no tooth fairy, or that Phil Collins didn't actually write "In the Air Tonight" about a murder he witnessed when he was a little kid... and do you see what I mean about knowing too much about trivial things!?
Now, if you haven't seen High Fidelity, you're probably a little lost here. Allow me to sum up the general gist of the movie in this little paragraph:
John Cusack owns a record store and hangs out with music snobs who talk about pop culture all day. He obsesses about his past girlfriends, and is unable to commit to the future because of what has happened to him in the past. He makes little lists about, well, everything - top five track ones side ones, top five songs about death, and so on and so forth. He is sarcastic, snarky, and probably a little self-involved, too. The movie ends with John Cusack learning that Bruce Willis was a ghost all along, and then they both walk off into the sunset and find out it was Earth All Along.Anyways, this little revelation was cool at first. "Hey, I'm like John Cusack... I make those top five lists... I know a lot about music... I'm pretty sarcastic..." and then of course, I started making the other connections, and realized that, while High Fidelity is one of my favourite movies, these connections are not good things. In fact, they are the opposite of good things.
They are, indeed, very bad things.
So, new goal in life. I want to be John Cusack in Say Anything, not John Cusack in High Fidelity. I want to be the cool John Cusack in The Ice Harvest... not the neurotic John Cusack in High Fidelity. Hell, I wouldn't even mind being John Cusack in America's Sweethearts, or Serendipity... anything but John Cusack in High Fidelity.
Wouldn't mind having that record collection, though...
Film Friday: Good until it starts...
A few weeks back, I was watching one of my guilty pleasure movies... When Harry Met Sally. I was doing it for the purpose of capturing some nifty photographs, but I got lost in the film. I love this movie, and I was completely absorbed up until the point Harry and Sally hook up.
Wait? You mean, you didn't realize they got together? Come on. It's a friggin' romantic comedy that's not directed by Woody Allen. You have to know they're going to wind up snogging. And by this time, there's no excuse for you having not seen the movie. It's like being angry when I tell you that in The Sixth Sense, Bruce Willis was a ghost all along...
The point here is, I love When Harry Met Sally right up until the point where the movie starts to fulfill its purpose. I would love that movie if it was just When Harry Met Sally and Then They Remain Friends. It's a great movie... until all that romance starts.
And then I started thinking about it. Movies that I love up until they do what they're supposed to do. And it seems to be a fairly common occurence with me. I loved District 9... up until it turned into an action movie. I loved Fight Club... except for the "Fight Club" scenes. My favourite parts of Gladiator had very little to do with the gladiatorial arena (if the movie had been called Russell Crowe Goes to Rome for Three Hours, it'd still probably be on my top 50 list) And I always love zombie movies... up until the last act, where there are "too many zombies".
I know what it is, too. All of these movies have a change of gear somewhere in the midpoint. The film shifts, making a change in direction and genre, and for some reason, I always pick up on it. It almost feels like I'm watching a new film somehow related to the first. For example, through most of the movie, Harry and Sally are talking, enjoying their friendship and helping each other out through a rough period in their lives. And I love that. And then, while we know it's coming, they kiss, and the movie turns into a romantic comedy, whereas before it had been a comedy with some romantic overtones.
Or in District 9 - we get a movie that is filmed like a documentary (and an allegory on Apartheid), and then, about halfway through, there's a giant robot in a slum blowing stuff up.
And so it goes. Fight Club changes from scathing observations on the modern American male into a "Crime is fun" show with a bit of a twist. Gladiator becomes less of a showpiece on ancient Rome and more of a classical tragedy with some political machinations. As for zombie movies - they build up on the isolation and loneliness, and establish that humanity is the real evil... and then this moral play breaks down about halfway through, and we see zombies tearing people apart. Usually for at least half an hour.
My fix? It's simple. Watch a movie until it's halfway done, and then write my own ending. That way, nobody gets hurt.
So, have you seen this great new movie? It's called The Sixth Sense. I just watched it, and it turns out, this little kid can see ghosts, and then he gets eaten by wolves. Oh. And have you seen Planet of the Apes? Turns out that the apes weren't on Earth all along... and they wind up eating that kid from The Sixth Sense.
I should make movies, man.
Wait? You mean, you didn't realize they got together? Come on. It's a friggin' romantic comedy that's not directed by Woody Allen. You have to know they're going to wind up snogging. And by this time, there's no excuse for you having not seen the movie. It's like being angry when I tell you that in The Sixth Sense, Bruce Willis was a ghost all along...
The point here is, I love When Harry Met Sally right up until the point where the movie starts to fulfill its purpose. I would love that movie if it was just When Harry Met Sally and Then They Remain Friends. It's a great movie... until all that romance starts.
And then I started thinking about it. Movies that I love up until they do what they're supposed to do. And it seems to be a fairly common occurence with me. I loved District 9... up until it turned into an action movie. I loved Fight Club... except for the "Fight Club" scenes. My favourite parts of Gladiator had very little to do with the gladiatorial arena (if the movie had been called Russell Crowe Goes to Rome for Three Hours, it'd still probably be on my top 50 list) And I always love zombie movies... up until the last act, where there are "too many zombies".
I know what it is, too. All of these movies have a change of gear somewhere in the midpoint. The film shifts, making a change in direction and genre, and for some reason, I always pick up on it. It almost feels like I'm watching a new film somehow related to the first. For example, through most of the movie, Harry and Sally are talking, enjoying their friendship and helping each other out through a rough period in their lives. And I love that. And then, while we know it's coming, they kiss, and the movie turns into a romantic comedy, whereas before it had been a comedy with some romantic overtones.
Or in District 9 - we get a movie that is filmed like a documentary (and an allegory on Apartheid), and then, about halfway through, there's a giant robot in a slum blowing stuff up.
And so it goes. Fight Club changes from scathing observations on the modern American male into a "Crime is fun" show with a bit of a twist. Gladiator becomes less of a showpiece on ancient Rome and more of a classical tragedy with some political machinations. As for zombie movies - they build up on the isolation and loneliness, and establish that humanity is the real evil... and then this moral play breaks down about halfway through, and we see zombies tearing people apart. Usually for at least half an hour.
My fix? It's simple. Watch a movie until it's halfway done, and then write my own ending. That way, nobody gets hurt.
So, have you seen this great new movie? It's called The Sixth Sense. I just watched it, and it turns out, this little kid can see ghosts, and then he gets eaten by wolves. Oh. And have you seen Planet of the Apes? Turns out that the apes weren't on Earth all along... and they wind up eating that kid from The Sixth Sense.
I should make movies, man.
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