Film Friday: The Best Movie EVER MADE....

It's a well known fact that, these days, Hollywood is not a fan of original movies.  The reasoning is actually pretty sound - movies that are based on original concepts have a chance to fail.  It is much more profitable to instead make movies that belong to a franchise, since each new iteration will (in theory) draw in more and more fans. 

Failing that, it is a better idea to make a movie based on an established trope or subject than it is to tread new territory - while many of those "new territory" films can wind up grossing a decent amount of money, they are just as likely to fail miserably, costing some studio exec his career and (more importantly) fancy parking space.

I'm not saying anything new, here.  I think most people that watch movies are aware of this.  It's why we see the same movies, again and again, and why we see other movies getting remade every ten years or so.  How many batman movies have been made?  How many batman movies have been made that offer different explanations for how batman came to be?  Hell, did you hear that they're remaking spider-man?

You know, a movie that was released less than ten years ago?

I have a prediction.  Someone in hollywood is going to make a movie that takes all of these subjects, all of these genres, and mashes them all together.  Someone is going to take all of those high-grossing films, tie them together with a formulaic plot, and see what happens.  And the awful thing is... it'll probably work.

I have the story already figured out.  It goes a little something like this:

A rather attractive male in his late teens (played by an actor in his early thirties) gets a summer job working for his uncle at a strange island in costa rica.  During the nights, he goes to a seaside village community and dances in front of the locals, where he of course meets another attractive teen (played by an actress who is as close to 18 as possible, so she can show bewb) - and they strike off a happy go lucky relationship. 

Then the dinosaurs attack.  These dinosaurs are (of course) bred by our hero's uncle, and they swarm over the island, killing all of the ethnic locals while letting the white man (and a witty black guy who seems to only speak in one-liners) run free.  Luckily, our male lead develops super powers due to a dinosaur bite, and is able to fight them off.  Also, he has a shotgun.  And a muscle shirt that gets covered in sweat.

At one point, the dinosaurs put our heroine in a corner.  And nobody puts her in a corner.  So our hero busts in and beats them up.  At this point, we discover our brooding heroine is a vampire who twinkles in the sunlight.  She thanks our hero by gazing up at him, longingly. 

Then a T-Rex breaks in, and transforms into a truck for some reason.  To escape, our heroes jump into a car and time travel back to the start of the movie, where comic hijinx ensure.  The heroes have a passionate kiss, and try to escape on the cruise ship that is leaving the island.  Our hero even draws a picture of his nekkid girflriend (yay for 18 year old bewbs!). 

Of course, the ship sinks because it hit an iceberg.  In Costa Rica.  So, the heroes get back in the time-travelling DeLorean and make it back to the present time, where the shape-changing T-Rex is now trying to get a career started as a rapper.  This career fails, and the dinosaur falls over, clutching its chest.  A baby velociprator emerges, and runs around.   It is, apparently, very scary, because our heroes hide behind a door.  "it's a good thing they can't open doors" our heroine says. 

Of course, the next scene involves the door slowly, ominously, being opened.  And then we have a thrilling climax in which there's a shootout and a car chase, for some reason.  Because not only can this velociraptor open doors, but it also apparently able to drive stick.