The Sheldon Sisters

I've been taking some trips down memory lane lately.  And you're all going to have to just sit back and deal with it.  Hopefully, it won't mean much to you, since these trips down memory lane are hilarious.  And make fun of people who are most definitely not me... for the most part.

I've been thinking about the Sheldon twins lately.  "Sheldon" not being their actual last name (or even close), but there's an association here that people who have gone to my high school might be able to catch.  But I digress. 

The Sheldon twins were two of the absolute dumbest people I have ever had the misfortune of meeting.  They were two girls in high school who were perfectly able-minded (ie, they didn't need to wear a helmet to class, and they had no attached care workers or anything).  However, these girls were so damned stupid that we would all sometimes wonder how these girls got out of bed in the morning.  And yes, they were "Stupid" even in comparison to us mid-nineties kids in our frayed shirts, mushroom cuts, and Limp Bizkit fixation.

There was the time the twins were convinced that they lived on the mainland (we all lived near Victoria, which is, for those not in the know, on Vancouver Island).  They had lived here their whole lives, and yet they did not know that Victoria is part of an island.

"But, no... I thought Vancouver was on Vancouver island... isn't that why it's called that?"

Now, I I know it can be confusing.  And I don't blame tourists for getting mixed up or asking a passerby the nearest road to drive to Vancouver.  But when you've lived here your whole life, you should know that you're on an island.  You should also know that you can't take a bridge to Vancouver.  These girls?  Apparently they missed the orientation session, or something.

They'd make stupid comments, every damned day.  A lot of if was just plain ignorance ("They don't speak spanish in Mexico... they speak Mexican"), and a lot of it was just stuff they learned from TV without thinking much on it ("did you know that they live in igloos in Ontario?").  But that was their particular breed of stupidity - to take something put in front of them, and just accept it without questioning it.

Naturally, this made them a prime target for the likes of my friends and I.

There was the time we convinced them that my friend Blowkie "liked to fuck small birds".  We also went on to explain that this was because Blowkie had an incredibly small penis, and birds were the perfect size for it.  And the twins bought the story in its entirety.  It makes me afraid for the future, it really does.

It all culminated in an elevator at school, with Blowkie, the Sheldon twins, and myself.  Blowkie and I were on one side, the twins on the other - staring off vapidly into space - when I saw one of the twins whisper to the other "He likes to fuck birds".

Blowkie and I both heard, look at each other and exchanged a glance.  It was an unspoken conversation and it went something like this:

BLOWKIE:  Hey, wanna mess with them?
DAVE:  Yes.  And let's make it epic.
BLOWKIE:  Gotcha.  Try to keep up.

At that moment, Blowkie started screaming and frothing at the mouth and started throwing his body at the elevator door.  He put his entire weight into the throws, which causes the elevator to rock a bit. "A bird!  A bird!  I neeed a biiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrd!"  he screamed as loud as he could.  It echoed in the tight confines of the elevator.  The twins screamed.

"He needs his medication!" I shouted.  "He's having an attack!" 

I feigned terror, while trying to "restrain" my friend, who continued to shout about the odd things he wanted to do to birds. 

We played this little game for the elevator ride.  And then, when the doors opened, we walked out as if nothing had happened.  Literally - one second Blowkie was screaming, and then there was a bell and the doors opened, and he was fine.

We thought it was funny as hell.  The twins never realized they were getting messed with.  They gave Blowkie a wide berth after that.  And they told all of their friends - it was, after all, "proof" that the rumour was true.

Gotta love the gullible.