This is an actual email I wrote today:

Hey all.  Sorry about the last few days.  Holy mackeral has it been busy! 

Of course, it's all slowed down.  Which has given me time to bitch about an event that happened at the ATM office yesterday.  See, I had asked one of our guys to save me a few slices of pizza and a can of diet coke.  Only, when I came in yesterday, some wit had covered the pizza in pepper (which actually made it taste BETTER, in my humble opinion) and had taken a knife and stabbed my diet coke. 

It bugged me for a little bit, but then I wrote the following e-mail to the co-worker who had kindly put aside the food for me (and who, almost definitely, DIDN'T murder my diet coke):

Good evening Agent B---.

At approximately 1200h. Saturday afternoon, one of our agents went into the refrigerator unit at the ATM office, and came across a most gruesome sight. A young can of diet coke (approximately 3 months old) was foundmurdered. Also accompanying the body were three pieces of pizza that were covered in pepper (which were, sources say, delicious).

The can seemed to have perished from a single knife wound, located distal to the "o" in "Cola". Even more disturbingly, a cup containing fluids that had obviously bled from said wound was found on the office desk. Experts on the scene have dated Time of Death at approximately 2000h.friday evening.

Agent B---... there is a cola-can murderer in your office. Your mission (should you choose to accept it) is to find the murderer, and bring him to justice.

Possible Suspects:

  I---: Sources say a man named "i---" was working during the time of themurder. He is the prime suspect at this time. His motives remain uncertainat this point, but he is known to have connections to Fidel Castro andnumerous "bred in the USA" terrorist agencies... such as PETA. Sources sayhe often goes by the name "Stinkums", but this has not been verified.

S----: During preliminary interviews, one of the suspects (named S----) proclaimed her innocence several times - a bit TOO loudly, it would seem.  She affirmed her uninvolvement several times, leading our scene investigator to believe that perhaps she is involved. Her motive for the crime is obvious: money for crystal meth (when asked if she did crytal meth, she protested - a bit TOO loudly, it would seem....)

EL NINO: While we have been informed that El Nino is actually just a prevailing weather pattern, our investigators remain unconvinced. After all, with a name like "El Nino", how could this NOT be a cold-blooded, coke-murdering killer?

We appreciate your investigation into this matter, Agent B---.

Remember,there is a murderer nearby. Trust no one. Watch your back.


-Agent D.

It is, I think, in the top five list of funniest work e-mails I have ever sent out.  But then, maybe I'm just sleep-addled?

1 comment:

  1. Nope. It is hilarious. I, too, have always been untrusting of El Nino....