Eviscerations...

So I'm at work, rushing around the deli issuing orders like some little sergeant trying to hold off wave after wave of zombie nazis until reinforcements come. In such situations, I revert to a little trick I call "leadership through douchebaggery". It basically consists of playfully insulting my co-workers to keep morale up.

Mainly, it keeps my morale up. I'm not sure about everyone else.

Steff, a co-worker with a toucher of "hipster music nerd" in her, who is therefore my kind of people, is busily trying to help the masses of nazi zombies, er, hungry customers. The two of us are sharing a scale, doing that age old deli trick of "you asked for one hundred grams. Is one hundred and ten grams alright? No? Okay, let me take off a little bit. How's ninety eight grams? No? Okay, let me add this sliver of meat... one hundred two? No? You asked for one hundred? Would you like me to show you how a meat hook works?"

Steff is busily playing this game, and I can see the fantasy in her eyes - in it, she is happily eviscerating her customer set to the music of... some band you've probably never heard of. Knowing that I can't have unscheduled eviscerations on my watch (they're bad for business, see), I decide she needs cheering up. So I start heckling her.

"Steff, you're taking too long at the scale! Oh my god, you're embarrassing yourself! Look! All the customers are staring at you! You must feel so awkward right now." I am saying this in a playful voice while she tries to weigh just the right amount of deli meat, and I can see that she's trying not to laugh. Most of the customers nearby are entertained, and are chuckling quietly to theirselves - it's nice to see people playing with each other while at work, after all.

One customer, however, doesn't realize I'm joking around. With her hands on her hips, she glares at me. "They're not staring at her! They're staring at you! You should be embarrassed."

This causes a few more customers to laugh, and puts me firmly in my place. Steff looks over, and she can see that I'm in the fantasy land of eviscerating this customer, to the music of Pink Mountaintops (you've heard of them, right?).

And that was my last week. You can see why I don't blog much these days, eh?

True Story:

I've decided that "hipster" shouldn't just apply to music. And it shouldn't just apply to douchebags in their mid twenties. Case in point, at my deli. I'm dealing with a customer who has to be in her sixties.

"I love Edamame."

"Yes, I know, it's really good. How much would you like?"

"I've been eating Edamame for years."

"That's great. So, a medium....?"

"When I first started eating Edamame, you couldn't get it in the grocery store. Nobody had ever heard of it. That's when I first had it. I was probably one of the first people in this city who ate Edamame...."

"...or a large....?"

"You couldn't get it a grocery store. You'd ask for Edamame, and they'd just look at you. But now it's popular, and everyone's eating it."

"Well, it is good."

"Yes, yes it is."

"So, how much Edamame can I get for you?"

"Oh, I don't eat Edamame anymore."

*walks away*

Last Day at H&R Block:

"It's 3:15"

"Yes. What seems to be the problem?"

"I had an appointment for three o'clock."

"Right. But as you can see, her previous client is taking a bit longer. And it is the last day of the tax season, so you can imagine it's been a little hairy. I apologize for the wait."

"This is bullshit."

"I'm sorry. But she'll see you as soon as she can, and I guarantee it'll be only a few minutes once you get in there to get your papers signed."

"This is bullshit!"

"Well, it's the last day of the tax season, so everyone's leaving it to the last minute and we've been rushed. We booked your appointment so you could get your papers signed. You're the only person who's had an appointment booked for today, we're not supposed to book any on the last day of the season, but we figured we'd do you a favour. Like I said, it'll only be a few minutes."

"Bullshit. I have to be at the bank before 4:00, because I have to make my payment, and my bank closes at four."

"Your tax payment?"

"Yes."

"You owe money to the government?"

"Yes."

"...And you booked your appointment to get your taxes done only an hour before your bank closes, on the last day of the tax season?"

"Yes."

"um. Ok."

"What?"

"Nothing."

(pause)

"This is bullshit."

"I couldn't agree more."

The Crazy Newt Customer Illegibility Scale:

Gah.  Indecipherable/heavily-accented/mentally-handicapped customers.  Gotta love 'em.  I've found that when referring to such customers, some sort of "indecipherability scale" needs to be in place.  And so, during a few slow minutes at work, a co-worker and I put together the "Crazy Newt Customer Illegibility Scale". 

Note that this scale only measures communication problems.  Someone could be very easy to speak to (a rating of "0") and yet be an absolute moron with nothing to say.    Which, unfortunately, is often the case.

Enjoy.

Easy Communication (Rating = 0)

• Customer speaks fluent English.  While there may be a slight accent, it is barely noticeable. 
• Customer is able to understand what you are saying, and is able to articulate a response. 
• Example:  "Hi.  My name is Matt, and there seems to be a problem with my account at your store location.  I was hoping I could talk to someone to, um, clear it all up.  Thank you."

Slightly Strained (Rating = 1)

• Customer speaks English, but may forget, misuse, or mispronounce a few words.  There may be an accent, but it does not impair understanding what is being said.
• Customer understands what you are saying, almost perfectly.
• Example:  "Hello?  My name is, er, Mattias.  There is a.... er.... problem?... with my account at your store.  Can we fix it?  Thanks you."

Strained (Rating = 2)

• Customer speaks English, but likes to pepper his speech with "colloquialisms" from back home.  He also may have difficulty speaking the language, and probably mumbles or cannot pronounce certain vowels.  Customer will often use the same words, and may use the same phrase again and again, simply to "beef up" his sentences, even if the phrase has no import on the subject at hand.
• Customer often has difficulty understanding what you're saying, and will often misunderstand and give you completely useless information (when you ask him where he is calling from, he'll say something like "A cell phone" or "Vancouver", rather than a street or something like that).
• Example:  "Er, hi.  *mumble mumble mumble* I tell you this, *mumble mumble* store... money!  No working.  *mumble mumble mumble* Fix this, I tell you this!  *mumble mumble* many thank yous!  I tell you this, Many thank yous!"

Very Strained (Rating = 3) 

• Customer can barely speak English.  In fact, it sounds less like English, and more like someone who has never spoken English doing an impersonation of an English speaker.   Hand motions almost always accompany the speaker - even when they are talking on the phone, which has its own difficulties.  The customer will speak in a very loud voice, and use only a few words, hoping that if he says "money" enough, you'll realize there's a bill jam at an ATM he is using. 
• Customer will completely misunderstand what you're saying at least once every other sentence.  Often, this will be followed with "I no understand" or the customer just repeating their previous sentence.  Sometimes, you get the customer that says "yeah" or "I understand", simply because they don't want you to realize that they know about as much about your language as you know about theirs.
• Example:  "*foreign language speaking rapidly* Money!  Money... store!  *children screaming in the background in pakistani* Yes.  Hello?  Money.  Store.  I use... store.  *more rapid speaking in foreign language... it sounds like someone is selling shrimp in the background*.  Fix!  *customer puts phone down to yell at his screaming children.  Guy selling shrimp picks up phone, and you can hear him getting attacked by your original speaker.  Phone disconnects*

...What the Fuck?  (Rating = 4)

• Customer is not speaking English.  In fact, you are pretty sure it isn't any language at all.  Not only can your client not speak English very well, but he cannot speak his OWN language very well.  You may as well attempt communication through morse code.  When the customer does speak English, it is only through words that may or not even be tangetially related to the subject at hand. 
• Customer does not understand you.  But, in almost every case, the customer is very angry with you.  On the plus side, you can call him whatever dirty name you like - he has no idea what you're saying.  On the downside, while he can't speak English... he does know how to dial your number.  And he will.
• Example:  *loud screaming over the phone* BLARESH!  Fish!  Fish!  Ia!  Ia!  Cthulu Ftaghn!" 

Actual Customer Calls...

As I write this, it's a relatively slow sunday afternoon at the ATM office.  It'd almost be pleasant... were it not for the morons that have decided to call me.  And they ring, hour after hour - people with the most inane complaints or concerns.  I think it's because I've been reading Dr. Grumpy's blog in my off time, and they seem to have picked up on it.

Seriously, guys - my customers have become dumber.  Something is going on.  Because there's an epidemic of "dumb".  Check it out:

DAZED AND CONFUSED:  Um, hi.  I'm in >>Hospital Name<< right now, and I'm using your ATM.
DAVE:  Mm hmm?
DAZED AND CONFUSED:  Well, I tried to take money out of your ATM and it wouldn't work.  Is there a way I can take money out of your ATM without using a card?  I seem to have lost mine...
DAVE:  Um.  Not legally, no.
DAZED AND CONFUSED:  Oh.  See, I need some money because I just parked my car... I need some change.
DAVE:  Well, um our ATM doesn't give change...
DAZED AND CONFUSED:  Really?  What if I put a twenty in it?
DAVE:  Uh.  It's an ATM, sir.  I can only dispense money.
DAZED AND CONFUSED:  Oh!  I have to use my debit card?
DAVE:  Yes.
DAZED AND CONFUSED:  How do I do that?

***

DAVE:  Hi there, how can I-

GAMBLING MAN (At a well known casino/race track):  Your ATM isn't working.  I'm at >>Casino<< and it won't give me money.

DAVE:  Ah, yes.  Unfortunately, that particular machine won't be in service for a little while.  It's broken, and we're sending a part-

GAMBLING MAN:  But I want to gamble now!

DAVE:  I understand.  But that particular machine has an error that needs to be fixed and-

GAMBLING MAN:  So when is the error fixed?

DAVE:  Well, on tuesday, but there are other machines at the casino-

GAMBLING MAN:  So you're saying I have to wait until tuesday before I can take out money?  I want to play the slots now!

DAVE:  No, sir, there are other ATMs at the Casino, you'll just have to ask a staff member to show you where they are in the location.

GAMBLING MAN:  What?  Your company made a mistake, and now you expect me to fix it?
DAVE:  Um.  No.  I'm saying you have to ask a staff member to show you where a working ATM is, because I've never been to >>Ontario Casino<<

GAMBLING MAN:  Well, that much is obvious.

DAVE:  Okay.  I work at >>ATM Company<< not at the casino, sir.  And we're trying to fix our machines.  There are working machines there, I just don't know exactly where, but I'm sure a staff member would be happy to-

GAMBLING MAN:  This is just fucking ridiculous.  *click*

***

ANOTHER GAMBLER:  Hi, I'm at >>another Casino<< and your machine doesn't work.

DAVE:  Okay?  What seems to be the problem? 

ANOTHER GAMBLER:  It says the machine is temporarily out of service.

DAVE:  Ah, yes!  That machine is out of service for the next few minutes.  I'm just getting some info from it.

ANOTHER GAMBLER:  So, have I been billed for my transaction?
DAVE:  no.  Did you put your card in the machine?

ANOTHER GAMBLER:  Um. No.

DAVE:  Then you should be fine, sir.

ANOTHER GAMBLER:  So, what I'm supposed to do?

DAVE:  I'd recommend using another machine?

ANOTHER GAMBLER:  Uh, okay.  Where is another machine?

DAVE:  Are you standing by the ATM right now?

ANOTHER GAMBLER: Yeah...

DAVE:  Look to your right.

ANOTHER GAMBLER:  Oh, hey!  There's another ATM there.

DAVE:  Have a good day, sir!

***

VISA LADY:  Hi, I use your machine.  It no work...

DAVE:  Okay.  Um, what seems to be the problem.

VISA LADY:  I use my Visa Premium Pratinum card, and no work.

DAVE:  Well, unfortunately, our machines do not accept Visa.

VISA LADY:  But it no work.

DAVE:  I understand.  Our ATMs do not accept Visa...

VISA LADY:  It premium card.  Just got.

DAVE:  Yes. 

VISA LADY:  I enter pin number and everything.

DAVE:  Yes, but our machines do not accept Visa cards.

VISA LADY:  But it no work.

DAVE:  Right.  It won't work.  Because our ATMs do not accept Visa Cards.

VISA LADY:  Your machine no take Visa?

DAVE:  Our machines do not take Visa.

VISA LADY:  No take Premium Visa?

DAVE:  No take Premium Visa.

VISA LADY:  Ohh....

DAVE:  Is there anything else I can help you with today, miss?

VISA LADY:  You take Mastercard?

DAVE:  Yes.  Our machiens take mastercard.

VISA LADY:  Oh.  Can I appry for mastercard, then?

DAVE:  (bangs head on desk)

The Annoying Customers, Part One:

I work two different jobs that involve customer service.  The nature of the beast changes whether it's the weekend job or the weekday job, but it's still definitely a beast.  A drooling, moronic beast that is prone to uttering the phrase "it's not my fault" as a defence mechanism, and is prone to impulse sueing. 

After dealing with these customers for a while, I realized there were numerous different "types" of customers that call me.  And I'm sure they call you, too.  So, here's a field guide so any customer service professional can easily identify and spot the annoying customer. 

And laugh at them.  Because, naturally, I have to make fun of them.  It's what I do.

Sue me.

The Helping Hand

This customer will contact you because he is suffering from a slightly unusual problem - something is not workign the way it should in your place of employment, and this customer is suffering as a result.  Alternately, he could be making a request that you are capable of covering, but do not usually have to deal with. 

For example, he could have a printer jam because he used an incorrect size of paper not covered by the default printer setting.  Or he could have a jammed bill in an ATM.  Or he could want a coffee that's "not so hot" and wants you to put an icecube in it (and you have to run to the backroom to get an ice cube). 

Even after you fix the problem, this customer will not be satisfied.  Instead, he feels it is his job to offer you advice on how to perform your job.  He will quickly offer you a solution that would fix the current situation at hand.

Quite often, these solutions would indeed make servicing this particular customer easier - while slowing everything else down.  That printer should automatically adjust itself to fit paper sizes, rather than requiring "crazy technical skills" to adjust that in print settings.  That ATM should have a wider mouth so it's easier to pull clear bill jams (and easier for people to, y'know, steal money).  And you should have a freezer by the cash register, stocked with ice cubes, so that you don't have to run to the back to get those ice cubes.  Who cares if it's in the way the other 98% of the time? 

How do you deal with these guys?  Two simple words.  Repeat after me:  mmm hmm.  Say it while he speaks, and nod emphatically.
Then, finger him when his back is turned. 

Works every time.

The Caped Crusader

This lovely customer is, about 75% of the time, a middle-aged white female from the upper middle class.  Quite often, she belongs to the PTA, a church group, or some other social organization.  She is usually very fond of bake sales.  She has led a nigh-on perfect life, and as a result, she becomes overly angry when faced with minor problems that most people would look upon with slight inconvenience.  Whereas most people will simply shrug or sigh, this customer is known to shriek "what do you mean, there's no milk?" 

To put it simply, this woman has the same level of pespective as a short-sighted mole.  On a foggy day. 

This customer will feel so slighted by the failures of your company that she feels a certain responsibility - to the public at large, you see - to prevent it from ever happening again.  This woman often sees herself as the next Rosa Parks... only instead of that whole bus thing, her goal is to make sure that no one will ever have to wait in line on a busy saturday afternoon ever again. 

No matter what you do, this customer is going to be angry for your failures.  And she will tell you of her plans to rid the world of the evil threat you represent.  She is going to write letters to the editor (because she's friends with the editor, of course), she is going to spend some of her money to place an ad on the TV listings channel, and she is going to call into the radio.  After all, how dare you knowingly put ATMs into service that occasionally time out for five minutes?     

Luckily, this customer is very easy to deal with.  Endure her tirade until she gets tired and leaves (her blood sugar is probably getting low... it's always getting low). I find that it helps to make lists in your head while it's going on - for example, compile a list of animals you'd find on a farm, or four letter words that best describe this woman you're stuck dealing with - and then smile sweetly when she leaves.  And don't worry - she's not going to call the radio or deal with the editor or anything like that.  Because these people have very little follow-through.

Either that, or their husbands laugh at them when they furiously describe their newest crusade over the dinner table.

The "God Bless You"

The God Bless You's are probably the nicest sort of annoying customer you can get.  But make no mistake -they're still annoying.  And you're allowed to feel annoyed by them. 

It generally works like this:  they have a problem, and it's often a fairly big problem in their life right now.  They could have a drunk uncle who keeps borrowing money from your institution, leaving the poor customer stuck footing the bill.  Or they could have left their wallet at your store, and need the money inside to pay their rent.  So on, and so forth.

When they come to you hoping for a resolution, they are so surprised to see you fix the problem quickly and helpfully that they come to tears (brought on, no doubt, from their recent stress) that they grab your hands and repeat "God bless you" over and over again.

Usually, there's a crowd of your co-workers watching.  And, far from feeling like a hero, you feel like you're receiving praise you don't really deserve.  After all, you didn't do anything special - most of the time, you probably just followed company policy or did some basic human act of kindness (you left a message on your service to no longer loan to the drunk uncle, or you looked through the wallet to find the lady's name, looked her up online, and gave her a call letting her know you had her waller). 

So what?  You're a nice guy.  You certainly don't want to bring God into this, right?

The problem with thiscustomer?  They're about 50% likely to start crying.  And that's rarely fun.