Just some lyrics

I've kind of been reclusive lately.  I blame the job market - when you write a bajillion resumes, and get very few responses, it kind of sucks the life out of you. 

Luckily, I have music.  Thank God for that.  I'm still up most nights, headbanging with oversized headphones on. 

Here are some lyrics I've heard lately that I love.  Some are just how I'd want to live my life.  Some are just true.  And some are just awesome.  You guys can guess which songs I'm referring to - make a game of it.

Or not. 

You realize the sun don't go down - it's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round.

- The Flaming Lips

One foot in and one foot back. Well, it don't pay to live like that... so I cut the ties and I jumped the tracks.  

-The Avett Brothers

I'm wasting away... wasting my time wishing the world would fuck off.

-Dan Mangan

I miss yellow lines in my roads, some colour on monochrome, maybe I'll paint them myself.

-Matt and Kim

 Every path's a problem, every turn is trouble and you'll never solve them.  So why not love them?

-Hey Rosetta!

And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.

-The Beatles.

Weekly Haiku #41 - early morning reflections

woke up... it's just eight -

wait, i'm unemployed still, right?

up so soon, feels wrong. 

Job Applications

I've been doing my damnedest to find work.  Even if it's just temporary work.  Because of this, I've been applying to everywhere, including the absolute shittiest jobs available.  I'm talking places like Wal-Mart, Subway, and Denny's.

These massive corporations don't like talking resumes, mind you - they all require you to fill out applications.  And these applications are ridiculous - you basically transcribe your resume, doing your best to make your writing legible (friends will tell you my writing is anything but).

But some weird questions stand out.  And sometimes, just sometimes, they make me want to run for cover.  For example, this little gem from a Denny's Application:

On a Scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being 'disgusting' and 10 being 'heavenly', how delicious would you rate your internal organs?

Luckily, I was able to throw a mug at the manager's face while I fled the building, running in a zig-zag pattern.

Guitar Shenanigans

I had a nice long post here about how to read guitar tab literature, and how sometimes the people (even professionals) who transcribe it make really silly errors.  And how these errors can really get in the way for those trying to learn relatively simple songs.

But the moral of the story was that I figured out a much easier way to play Mother Mother's "Tic Toc" than the suggested way, and now I just want to brag. 

It took me less than an hour to learn the song.  And it got me really psyched about playing music again.  I've been strumming my guitar for the last few hours, just having fun.  Sometimes, life is peachy when you're on EI - you don't come home all stressed out about work.  You just... play guitar and write songs that no one is ever going to hear because, let's face it, they suck.   

Flip side of the coin? 

Realizing you have absolutely no spare cash for things like guitar strings.  And that those songs you wrote are probably going to come back and embarrass you at some point in the future. 

Gah.

P.S. to my good pal Kate - I'm sorry in being so far behind on penpalery!  I had mail written up, but it was too long and it sucked, so I'm re-writing it so that it's awesome.  Also, do you want me to send you a guitar tuner?  It's one of my old ones, and while it's not perfect, it's better than nothing.  I was going to ask you in letter format, but it's quicker this way.

kthxbye

Gah. 

Been doing the usual "check the ATM, see if the rent's been taken out, see if my EI has come in" dance since friday night.  And of course, the balance has remained static. Making me go "Why won't he take out the rent, so I can at least stop worrying?"  along with "when is my EI going to come!?"

The whole weekend went by with yours truly afraid to spend even a dollar... even though that was kind of overkill on my part. 

Just an hour or so ago, I checked the bank machine - my balance hasn't changed.  Still.  No EI coming in, no rent coming out.  Frustrated, I called EI. 

"Just, um, curious... but, uh, when is my EI going to come in?"  And then I let some frustration into my voice.  "This isn't the first time this has happened.  It sucks not getting money..."

"It came in monday morning, sir"

"....wha?"  I know.  A line for the ages. 

"Yeah.  You got your money monday morning." 

"No I didn't..."

"Talk to your bank.  kthxbye."  (I may be paraphrasing, here)

Uh.  Is there a problem here?  So, I call my bank (oh, and as a side note, try calling coast capital savigns... they have the weirdest automatic answering machine message ever... I remember it once said "if you want to hear the sound of a hummingbird, press 4".  And no, I'm not making that up). 

On the phone, I explain the problem.  "They said I got my EI deposit, but my balance hasn't changed since friday..."

"Really?"

"Yes.  This is all really frustrating," I start fishing for sympathy. "I'm about to get my rent taken out of my account, and I'm going to be penniless, and EI hasn't given me any money... holy stress, batman!"

He started laughing.  And being laughed at by a bank teller is never fun.  The feeling is about the same as when a dishwasher at Denny's points at you and laughs, although for an entirely different reason. 

"Sir, there was a deposit in your account monday morning, and a withdrawal from your account monday afternoon...  your balance changed by eight dollars."

"....wha?"  I broke out the gem again, impressing him with my dialogue skills.

"Yeah.  You're good to go.  kthxbye". 

...hunh.  How is that this possibility never occurred to me?  Oh, right.  I'm an idiot. 

Go fig. 

Like the worm that he is...

Two weeks ago, during a very busy day, I found myself in downtown Victoria walking down Government street.  It was around 11 am, and I had just been hired at a new job - naturally, I was pretty stoked, and had the iPod cranked.  I'd like to think I was listening to some really cool, groovy song... but in reality, I think I was listening to something like 1980's Queen.  Y'know, "it's a kind of magic" and whatnot.  Luckily, I wasn't grooving like I was in iPod commercial or anything.

I was wearing my awesome power suit, and strutting like I owned the place, thinking back on the last couple of months.  About how much it sucked to lose my job in the provincial government - a few weeks before the announcement came to layoff new hires such as myself, the lovely MLA's decided to vote themselves in a payraise. 

Then I started thinking about how much EI sucks, how disorganized it is, and just how many people in my lovely province are without work. 

Of course, that's a bad thing to be thinking.  It brought me from "Wooooot! I have a new job!" to a low of "hey, I'm making almost half of what I was making six months ago, and I'm thinking this is a good thing because the economy is just so damned shitty".  A real pick me up.

Then I bumped into a man.  He was well dressed, wearing a snazzy suit that earned my instant approval, with a stylized haircut and a sleek cell phone.  I didn't bump into him hard - neither of us were watching where we were going, but we weren't power-walking, but I still pulled out my ear plugs, apologized, and kept on going.

A few steps later, I realized who I had bumped into.  Gordon Campbell.  The premiere of B.C.  The guy who is directly responsible for the cutbacks in the government.  The guy who voted himself a pay raise.  The guy who - well, I won't go into details.  I think most places have a head politician like this guy - he's really not all that special. 

I felt a wave of anger.  How dare he bump into me?  Hasn't he done me enough harm already?  And what kind of freak wears a suit at 11 am on a thursday?  (oh, wait....)

I was already a few steps away from him, and came to the conclusion that I'd be a real ass if I ran back and bumped into him again.  But, to hell with it.  You only live once, and he didn't seem to have any bodyguards with him.  Only, this time, I'd use my elbows.  And maybe a knee hit.  Take that bastard down, hockey-style.

Unfortunately, he was able to make his escape, like the worm that he is.  I imagine he found some sort of burrow to crawl into.

To make up for my missed opportunity, I used some early christmas money to  treat myself to some Noodle Box.  With extra veggies.  And, while eating, I began to plot my revenge...

Gah!

So, I call up to schedule my interview.  And I'm cool as ice, man.  Totally professional.  Before the call, I ran about a million questions through my head, scenarios ranging from "hey, can you start right now?" to "why the Hell should I hire you, you de-flowered my daughter!"

The last one not being that likely, of course, but it's always good to be prepared. 

In the interviews that ran in my head, my prospective employer was a hockey fan, and we talked about the prospects of the canucks this year.  He was an avid fisherman, and I told stories about how I'm the worst fisherman in the world (but oh, how I love it).  He was a computer geek - hey, did I mention how I just beat the new Halo?  And so on, and so forth.

So, I call up to inteview.  And like I said, I'm cool as ice.  The receptionist seems nice, and I'm totally making a good impression.  Then, I get put forward to his voicemail, because he's at a meeting. 

For some reason, I start stuttering.  "Uh, hi, um, Al.  It's, uh, Dave Percival.  We talked on, um, tuesday about, uh, the position you offered.  And, um" and so on, and so forth. 

Answering machines.  The bane of my existence.

EDIT:  So, a few minutes after posting this (and, because it's post-dated, before it ever actually, y'know, posted) my interview was booked.  And I learn the place is a two minute walk away.  Booyah.

I'm Psychic:

Thursday, November 5th.  10 am. 

I'm stuck in an EI meeting, in a crowded room where perhaps thirty people are hearing a woman talk about our "rights and responsibilities as EI Collectors".  Mostly, she talks about services available to us, and what she'll do to us if we try to cheat the system.  I'm not going to go into details, here, but it involves a rake, a rubber glove, and a leather strap to bite down on.

As a responsibility, we are told that if we leave our region, even on a weekend, we have to inform our E.I. office.  If they deem we were unable to attend work because of this depature, we suffer deductions from our E.I. amount.  Now, weekends are free to us lowlife collectors, supposedly, but she makes it sound like leaving Victoria is a very dangerous proposition.

The whole time, I'm thinking... "I've got a hockey game soon.  Should I still go to Vancouver?  Are they gonna deduct money from me?" 

I'm running the numbers in my head.  It's during the weekend, and I'll be back the next day.  It shouldn't be a problem.  Is it a problem?  Am I gonna get burned, here? 

A second later, she turns to the group.  "Now, of course this is within reason.  Don't bother reporting to us that you're going to a hockey game in Vancouver on a weekend, and you'll be back the next day.  We don't care about that."

 Apparently, I'm psychic.  I transmitted my thoughts to the lady, and she responded. 

So, here goes:  this friday's lottery numbers are 08, 12, 17, 41, 48, 51.  I'm willing to guarantee those.  And if they don't win, I'll let you give me twenty bucks.

A rant

So, I was supposed to get my EI money on friday.  Of course, it hasn't come in through direct deposit.  I checked friday night at midnight, and nothing.  Ditto a few times on saturday.  Zilch.  I even checked monday night at around 3 am, because I happened to still be awake, and the offices in Ottawa would just be opening around then, after the long weekend.  Bleary-eyed, I fumbled with the ATM.  Still no cash.

A homeless guy walked by me, and casually asked for some change.  I shook my head, thinking to myself I was gonna ask you the same thing. 

It was the first thing I did this morning, too.  Got up, got dressed, and made my way down to the mall to check my money situation.  I'm beginning to have fears that mall security are going to start thinking I either have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or I'm a bank ATM enthusiast.  Still no cash.

I checked online, to make sure I had filed the report.  Yyup.  In polite government speak, it told me that I had just filed a report, and that my next was due for almost two weeks from now.  I could read between the lines.  It said "Nice try, Dave.  You're not getting any more money from us.  Piss off."

So, I call their number.  Get a message.  First thing the message says "If you are calling about late EI Payments, they have been delayed due to the long weekend, and will arrive a day later than usual".

A vein starts to throb in my head.  My newt looks up at me, mounting the plastic turtle.  I begin to wonder if newts are really as poisonous as everyone says, because I'm running out of cash... and food... I'll have to eat my fish first.

Brilliant work on the government's part.  Schedule a payment for the day before thanksgiving... and then don't pay them out because of the long weekend (and because of how FLEX days work, their office was probably half-staffed on friday). I wonder how many people out there, out of work parents, who couldn't afford thanksgiving because some people in Ottawa decided to leave early before mailing out the cheques? 

"I'm sorry, Timmy.  Mummy couldn't afford a turkey this year.  Eat your SPAM."

I worked in government.  We're not the most dedicated of people, true, but at least in my branch, we made sure the people got their money (or, in our case, licences so they could earn money).  Didn't matter if it was Christmas tomorrow... if a guy was missing a licence because of our own failure, you fixed it.  If a LOT of people were going to be screwed over by something, you paid the office workers their overtime and got it fixed.

Silly gits.

Last week, I received a letter in the mail from Employment Canada.  I'll paraphrase what it said, right here:

Hey, Dave.

Your claim has been processed.  The cheque is in the mail.

This isn't a cheque, by the way.

The next day, I got my cheque.  Which makes me wonder about the necessity of the first letter, right? 

I wonder if I could do this as a job.  Maybe for a pizza delivery place.  I'll show up at someone's door, and they'll show up with the money and the perfectly-calculated 14% tip.  They'll look at me, and make one of those scrunched-up confused faces I love so much.

"Where's my pizza?"

"Well, sir.  I'm actually here to tell you that your phone call has been received, and that the pizza is on its way.  So you don't need to worry about that!  Nosireebob."

Here's the other thing that confused me.  The letters were only a day apart.  What if I got the cheque first, and then got a second letter saying the cheque is in the mail? 

I mean, that could be confusing as hell.

Short but sweet

Ladies and gentlemen, the six best words in the English Language:

The Cheque is in the Mail.