I enjoy messing with sci-fi fans. It's funny, because I'm a sci-fi fan... but I'm not hardcore about it. Others... not so much. And it's fun to get them riled up.
Seriously, if you're ever bored, tell a Star Wars fan that you don't like the show because "I don't like any show about Muppets". Then, sit back and watch the fireworks.
Last week, a gamer friend started talking about maybe buying his own Captain Kirk chair. I responded with this gem:
"That sounds cool, I guess, but I wouldn't want it - I'm not into Star Wars. Plus, I think Kevin Sorbo is kind of creepy looking."
Fun times, that.
Showing posts with label movies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label movies. Show all posts
This conversation didn't happen. But it almost did.
Sometimes, I hold my tongue, and don't say what I want to say. While doing this is a sign of maturity and wisdom, it can be boring sometimes. And annoying, when you're dealing with idiots. Luckily, I have a blog, so I can post how the conversation should have gone.
The first half of this conversation is true, although I may have changed the dialogue slightly because I don't remember exactly what words were said. The second half is, unfortunately, what I wanted to say but didn't actually say, because I'm all, like, adult and shit.
Bummer.
DAVE: Alright sir, so let's book your appointment for taxes. It's April 6th today, so I could book you next week on the 13th, which is a wed-
GUY: (Completely serious) Do you have a space open for April 3rd?
DAVE: Excuse me?
GUY: April 3rd? Around three pm. I have that day off, so it'd be easier for me to show up then.
DAVE: Well, that all depends.
GUY: On what?
DAVE: On whether your delorean can still hit 88.
The first half of this conversation is true, although I may have changed the dialogue slightly because I don't remember exactly what words were said. The second half is, unfortunately, what I wanted to say but didn't actually say, because I'm all, like, adult and shit.
Bummer.
DAVE: Alright sir, so let's book your appointment for taxes. It's April 6th today, so I could book you next week on the 13th, which is a wed-
GUY: (Completely serious) Do you have a space open for April 3rd?
DAVE: Excuse me?
GUY: April 3rd? Around three pm. I have that day off, so it'd be easier for me to show up then.
DAVE: Well, that all depends.
GUY: On what?
DAVE: On whether your delorean can still hit 88.
This always gets me in trouble...
...but I'm just gonna say it.
I don't like Star Wars.
Now, I don't hate Star Wars or anything, but I am unable to really understand why everyone thinks it's so absolutely amazing. To me, it just seems like Muppets in Space, with overdone bad guys and awful hair cuts.
I mean, Yoda? What the hell, man? That guy is basically just Kermit the Frog, aged sixty years and suffering the aftereffects of a massive stroke.
So yeah.
I just don't get the love.
I don't like Star Wars.
Now, I don't hate Star Wars or anything, but I am unable to really understand why everyone thinks it's so absolutely amazing. To me, it just seems like Muppets in Space, with overdone bad guys and awful hair cuts.
I mean, Yoda? What the hell, man? That guy is basically just Kermit the Frog, aged sixty years and suffering the aftereffects of a massive stroke.
So yeah.
I just don't get the love.
Recipe for Absolute Happiness:
Here it is, ladies and gents. CrazyNewt's recipe for Absolute Happiness.
Ingredients
Ingredients
- Firefly TV series, on DVD or Blue Ray.
- Big Screen TV with DVD/Blue-Ray Player
- Noodle Box Black Bean with Garlic Noodles (spice to taste)
- Couch
- Blanket
- Pants
- Tazo Green Chai tea
- Put the DVD/Blue-Ray into the appropriate player. Turn on TV, and begin playing an episode of your choice (they're all good).
- Take off the pants, and kick them across the room.
- Wrap yourself in the blanket while sitting on the couch and watching the episode of Firefly.
- Eat noodles and drink tea while viewing.
- Repeat at least once a month.
Film Friday: I've had it with these monkey-fighting snakes....
I'm a big fan of movies. But I absolutely *hate* watching movies on TV. The reason is pretty simple - the movie has been edited, often heavily, to fit TV censors. Sometimes, the censors will even cut out vital scenes which are referenced later in the film. Last week, I saw a short film on the independant movie channel that had the entire LAST SCENE cut. You know, the important scene that closes out the film?
But language censors are the best. You know, those movies where they do a voiceover, so that instead of John McClane saying "Yipee Kay Yay, mother fucker" he says "Yippee Kay Yay, Melon Farmer"?
That stuff is golden. Case in point:
(warning - SOOOO not safe for work! So many curses, so little time!)
But language censors are the best. You know, those movies where they do a voiceover, so that instead of John McClane saying "Yipee Kay Yay, mother fucker" he says "Yippee Kay Yay, Melon Farmer"?
That stuff is golden. Case in point:
(warning - SOOOO not safe for work! So many curses, so little time!)
Whoa...
Okay. You have to check this site out.
It's a game of Twenty Questions - you pick something, and the computer tries to guess who you are. It didn't guess Firefly's Mal Reynolds in less than twenty questions (it took 21), but it did guess Futurama's Bender in nineteen. It took 26 to find Lionel Hutz, attorney at law, and it didn't guess BladeRunner at all.
Seriously, it's a lot of fun!
It's a game of Twenty Questions - you pick something, and the computer tries to guess who you are. It didn't guess Firefly's Mal Reynolds in less than twenty questions (it took 21), but it did guess Futurama's Bender in nineteen. It took 26 to find Lionel Hutz, attorney at law, and it didn't guess BladeRunner at all.
Seriously, it's a lot of fun!
Film Friday: High Fidelity
It starts with a man yelling out to his ex-girlfriend "If you really wanted to mess me up, you should've gotten to me earlier!" and then compiling a top five list of the worst break-ups of his life. It doesn't end with a passionate kiss in the rain, or a wedding, or anything like that.
And it's second only to Bladerunner on my list of awesomest movies ever. High praise, indeed.
So, in the movie, we've got Rob, played by the always brillian John Cusack. He gets dumped by his longtime girlfriend Laura, wonders why he is always abandoned by the women he loves, and starts analyzing his life. He chases down the top five breakups of his past (Rob's obsessed with "top five" lists - he works in a record store, and spends most of his day composing these lists). And then he tries to deal with his losing Laura.
It's a brilliant picture, in a very understated sort of way. It is filled with great musical name drops, and for a borderline Asperger's guy such as yours truly, this is pure awesome. It's brilliantly acted, it's brilliantly filmed, and the dialogue is just, um... brilliant.
I bring this up because, every time I go through a break up, this is the movie I watch. I have no idea why - it's not a particularly happy movie, or a particularly sad one. It's just a movie about a guy I share a lot of similarities and character traits (some would say defects - but those people are communists who listen to Abba) who tries to figure out where he went wrong. And I like that.
If you watch it, make sure you get the deleted scenes. There's this great bit where Rob is offered the greatest record collection of all time, with so many collector's wet dream rarities. He knows it's worth at least a hundred grand, and is trying to buy it for a couple of thousand dollars - the woman who is selling it knows exactly what it is worth, and wants to sell it for fifty bucks. She wants to get even with her cheating ex-husband. Rob, even though he knows the guy is a douche, can't do this to another collector, and there's this great reverse bargaining scene that always makes me crack a smile.
And of course, there's John Cusack's best monologue in movie history. Seriously. This even beats that part where he holds the boombox over his head. Apparently, though, it doesn't compare to a guy hitting a frickin' propeller.
And it's second only to Bladerunner on my list of awesomest movies ever. High praise, indeed.
The movie is High Fidelity, and if you haven't seen it, well, you're a little behind the times. I mean, it came out in the late nineteen nineties! You know, that time period where so many great movies were made, but no one watched them because they were too busy watching Titanic?
Trust me, High Fidelity is a much better movie, even if it lacks that guy hitting the propeller while he falls. Come on. You know the scene I'm talking about - don't pretend you don't.
So, in the movie, we've got Rob, played by the always brillian John Cusack. He gets dumped by his longtime girlfriend Laura, wonders why he is always abandoned by the women he loves, and starts analyzing his life. He chases down the top five breakups of his past (Rob's obsessed with "top five" lists - he works in a record store, and spends most of his day composing these lists). And then he tries to deal with his losing Laura.It's a brilliant picture, in a very understated sort of way. It is filled with great musical name drops, and for a borderline Asperger's guy such as yours truly, this is pure awesome. It's brilliantly acted, it's brilliantly filmed, and the dialogue is just, um... brilliant.
I bring this up because, every time I go through a break up, this is the movie I watch. I have no idea why - it's not a particularly happy movie, or a particularly sad one. It's just a movie about a guy I share a lot of similarities and character traits (some would say defects - but those people are communists who listen to Abba) who tries to figure out where he went wrong. And I like that.
If you watch it, make sure you get the deleted scenes. There's this great bit where Rob is offered the greatest record collection of all time, with so many collector's wet dream rarities. He knows it's worth at least a hundred grand, and is trying to buy it for a couple of thousand dollars - the woman who is selling it knows exactly what it is worth, and wants to sell it for fifty bucks. She wants to get even with her cheating ex-husband. Rob, even though he knows the guy is a douche, can't do this to another collector, and there's this great reverse bargaining scene that always makes me crack a smile.
And of course, there's John Cusack's best monologue in movie history. Seriously. This even beats that part where he holds the boombox over his head. Apparently, though, it doesn't compare to a guy hitting a frickin' propeller.
Film Friday: The Princess Bride
 |
| The Princess Bride: just your basic film about a swash- buckling dread pirate in seach of adventure, revenge, and - of course- true love. |
The point is, the Princess Bride is kind of a great movie, and people who haven't seen it have obviously been robbed of basic human joy that is recognized by the U.N. as a human right.
I came across this realization when not one, but two of my co-workers mentioned having never seen it. And both are very bitter men.
 |
| "You seem like a very nice man; I'd hate to kill you." |
The second man is an aging hippie who plays folk music for tiny crowds and spends much of his work time calling third-rate record companies and internet press folks, speaking for all the world like he's about to make it big on the folk music scene. More power to him... except for the fact that his music sucks. When a few co-workers started quoting this movie, his response was more or less to the effect of "anything made after 1973 is garbage". Which explains his wardrobe.
Both of these people are bitter, angry men, who see absolutely no joy in life. And I think it's because they've never experienced the joy that is the Princess Bride.
They've obviously never spent an hour sitting on a couch with a friend, quoting obscure lines from the film before dissolving into fits of laughter. "Anybody have a peanut?" one of them should say, and the other one, in between chortles, could respond with "you keep on using that word; I do not think it means what you think it means".
 |
| "You seem like a very nice man... I'd hate to die." |
These two have never considered the possibility of "twoo wuve", or felt loved when their partner said "As you wish". They've never faced their demons in a climactic showdown with a six-fingered man, or bonded with their grandfather over a shared story.
They've most certainly never tried to figure out what the hell Andre the Giant was saying during his monologue.
And for that, they're dead to me.
Well, mostly dead. I mean, Miracle Max could always intervene.
Film Fridays: You haven't seen the Dark Knight?
During a conversation with a co-worker, I came to a stunning revelation: he had never seen The Dark Knight.
"You've never seen it!?" I asked, completely shocked. It was as if he had said he had never had ice cream, or was never let outside of his mother's basement until the day he turned eighteen.
"Never got around to it, I guess," he shrugged.
This might not seem weird to you folks out there on the internets, but I should explain. He's seen every other batman movie. He was in the line for Iron Man 2's debut. He owns over three thousand comics. In short, this is a guy who should be able to quote the movie from start to end. He's about two degrees of nerddom away from wearing a batman T-shirt to work, and just yesterday he told me in all seriousness that he's debating using the universal greeting from the transformers movie when meeting new people, just to see their reactions.
So, yeah, he should have seen The Dark Knight. As should everyone, because it's an amazing film.
Instead, he was perplexed when I asked him "why so serious?" in my creepiest Heath Ledger voice, and he had no idea what the Hell I was talking about when I mentioned making "this pencil disappear".
Trust me, my pop cultural references were comedy gold.
Something inside of me snapped, which is to be expected when you're a movie and music geek of epic proportions. People not sharing the same cultural experiences as myself must be educated - this is what we in the western world call "progress", and what every other culture in the world calls "why we can't speak our own language anymore".
On my break - instead of, you know, eating - I ran home, grabbed my DVD of The Dark Knight, and dropped it on his desk, beaming like a proud father.
"Trust me, you're going to love this."
And that was when I realized that I approach movies much like jehovah's witnesses approach religion - I have to spread them around, and convert the masses. I think I'm only about two weeks away from going door to door, and saying "greetings, do you have Charlie Kaufman in your life?" to random strangers.
I'm about two weeks away from declaring a holy war on the Wayan brothers. It'll be a Jihad for the ages.
I was thinking about this, feeling a little guilty for having dropped my DVD on my co-worker's desk, when I made a new revelation: I'm not the only person who thinks this way. Apparently, my co-workers agree with me. Because they were all equally surprised when they found out he hadn't seen the movie.
And they were just as surprised that he hadn't seen Fight Club, either. Or Pulp Fiction. Or Avatar.
By the end of the day, he had about five films stacked on his desk, because some of the freaks I work with actually drove home on their lunch breaks to give him these films for the weekend.
I work with some strange people.
"You've never seen it!?" I asked, completely shocked. It was as if he had said he had never had ice cream, or was never let outside of his mother's basement until the day he turned eighteen.
"Never got around to it, I guess," he shrugged.
This might not seem weird to you folks out there on the internets, but I should explain. He's seen every other batman movie. He was in the line for Iron Man 2's debut. He owns over three thousand comics. In short, this is a guy who should be able to quote the movie from start to end. He's about two degrees of nerddom away from wearing a batman T-shirt to work, and just yesterday he told me in all seriousness that he's debating using the universal greeting from the transformers movie when meeting new people, just to see their reactions.
So, yeah, he should have seen The Dark Knight. As should everyone, because it's an amazing film.
Instead, he was perplexed when I asked him "why so serious?" in my creepiest Heath Ledger voice, and he had no idea what the Hell I was talking about when I mentioned making "this pencil disappear".
Trust me, my pop cultural references were comedy gold.
Something inside of me snapped, which is to be expected when you're a movie and music geek of epic proportions. People not sharing the same cultural experiences as myself must be educated - this is what we in the western world call "progress", and what every other culture in the world calls "why we can't speak our own language anymore".
On my break - instead of, you know, eating - I ran home, grabbed my DVD of The Dark Knight, and dropped it on his desk, beaming like a proud father.
"Trust me, you're going to love this."
And that was when I realized that I approach movies much like jehovah's witnesses approach religion - I have to spread them around, and convert the masses. I think I'm only about two weeks away from going door to door, and saying "greetings, do you have Charlie Kaufman in your life?" to random strangers.
I'm about two weeks away from declaring a holy war on the Wayan brothers. It'll be a Jihad for the ages.
I was thinking about this, feeling a little guilty for having dropped my DVD on my co-worker's desk, when I made a new revelation: I'm not the only person who thinks this way. Apparently, my co-workers agree with me. Because they were all equally surprised when they found out he hadn't seen the movie.
And they were just as surprised that he hadn't seen Fight Club, either. Or Pulp Fiction. Or Avatar.
By the end of the day, he had about five films stacked on his desk, because some of the freaks I work with actually drove home on their lunch breaks to give him these films for the weekend.
I work with some strange people.
I give you... the awesomest action scene ever
Why can't they make movies like this Canada!?
(I particularly like the part where he slides the horse underneath the truck. Also, his mullet = awesome)
(I particularly like the part where he slides the horse underneath the truck. Also, his mullet = awesome)
Film Fridays: Talk to me, Goose!
When I came into work yesterday, I found that my co-worker in the admin department (it's just the two of us, right now) wasn't going to be coming in, as his kid was sick. Since it was only the second time I'd be alone in the admin section, handling everything on my own, this was kind of noteworthy. Naturally, my supervisor (who works in another department) wanted to keep me aware of this, so he sent me an e-mail:
That was it. I had already figured out I was on my lonesome, but I decided to shoot an e-mail back. My supervisor is a "typical guy" in a lot of ways, so I decided to respond in the form of a movie every male of a certain age has seen: Top Gun. My reply went a little bit like this:
Y'see, Top Gun, while one of the dumbest movies ever made, is a movie that pretty much every guy has seen. When I was three or four, my mom had the Top Gun soundtrack, and I'd sing along to "highway to the danger zone". To this day, I still know the guitar licks to that main theme song. It's even been in a commercial or two.
Here's the thing, though. He had no idea what the hell I was talking about. He asked me about it later, and admitted he had never seen Top Gun. While he seems like a normal person, this is obviously a sign that he was raised in some sort of weird cult, with magic jello and matching running shoes.
The thing is, certain movies are part of our popular language. When I say to someone "I'm about to go Office Space on our printer", most people know that I want to beat said printer with a baseball bat. When I tell someone "It was a real Notebook moment, right there", everyone knows I'm saying it was a very sad time. And when I have my fingers in front of someone's face and say "These aren't the droids you're looking for", people know what I'm really saying is: "Holy shit, look at how much of a geek I am!".
You're flying solo today.
That was it. I had already figured out I was on my lonesome, but I decided to shoot an e-mail back. My supervisor is a "typical guy" in a lot of ways, so I decided to respond in the form of a movie every male of a certain age has seen: Top Gun. My reply went a little bit like this:
What? Maverick's flying solo? What happened to Goose!? Talk to me Goose! Talk to me!
Y'see, Top Gun, while one of the dumbest movies ever made, is a movie that pretty much every guy has seen. When I was three or four, my mom had the Top Gun soundtrack, and I'd sing along to "highway to the danger zone". To this day, I still know the guitar licks to that main theme song. It's even been in a commercial or two.
Here's the thing, though. He had no idea what the hell I was talking about. He asked me about it later, and admitted he had never seen Top Gun. While he seems like a normal person, this is obviously a sign that he was raised in some sort of weird cult, with magic jello and matching running shoes.
The thing is, certain movies are part of our popular language. When I say to someone "I'm about to go Office Space on our printer", most people know that I want to beat said printer with a baseball bat. When I tell someone "It was a real Notebook moment, right there", everyone knows I'm saying it was a very sad time. And when I have my fingers in front of someone's face and say "These aren't the droids you're looking for", people know what I'm really saying is: "Holy shit, look at how much of a geek I am!".
Film Friday: The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus
A note to anyone that wants to see this movie: be careful.
Yeah, it's Heath Ledger's last movie. But that doesn't necessarily make it good.
Not that I'm saying it's bad, per se. It's just a movie with a lot of ideas, that doesn't take the time to appropriately examine said ideas. While watching it, neither the Special Lady or yours truly was able to figure out whether Heath Ledger was a full on bad guy, or a flawed hero.
The basic premise of the movie (at least how I see it) is this: a man makes a bet with the devil - that mankind, if given the choice, will choose the path of wonder and excitement over pleasure and hedonism, even if the first path takes more work. But it comes off as a "God versus the Devil" sort of bet, that reminds me of the Book of Job.
After watching it, the Special Lady was bugged and annoyed - she kept turning the movie around in her head, trying to find some sort of traction. As she said to me: "I don't like it, because in this movie, God is powerless - the devil is the only one with power".
Which sums it up. It's supposed to be (at least, according the director) a fairly light-hearted movie... instead, it's a dark film with a few moments of Monty Python thrown in for good measure.
Bleh.
Yeah, it's Heath Ledger's last movie. But that doesn't necessarily make it good.
Not that I'm saying it's bad, per se. It's just a movie with a lot of ideas, that doesn't take the time to appropriately examine said ideas. While watching it, neither the Special Lady or yours truly was able to figure out whether Heath Ledger was a full on bad guy, or a flawed hero.
The basic premise of the movie (at least how I see it) is this: a man makes a bet with the devil - that mankind, if given the choice, will choose the path of wonder and excitement over pleasure and hedonism, even if the first path takes more work. But it comes off as a "God versus the Devil" sort of bet, that reminds me of the Book of Job.
After watching it, the Special Lady was bugged and annoyed - she kept turning the movie around in her head, trying to find some sort of traction. As she said to me: "I don't like it, because in this movie, God is powerless - the devil is the only one with power".
Which sums it up. It's supposed to be (at least, according the director) a fairly light-hearted movie... instead, it's a dark film with a few moments of Monty Python thrown in for good measure.
Bleh.
Film Fridays: Questionable Previews
While watching the previews for Funny People the other day, there was an ad for yet another American Pie movie. It looked like your typical umpteenth sequel, with just enough ties to the original that fans of the series (apparently, they exist) wouldn't be too upset.
For the record, the original American Pie was okay, for what it was. And the second one wasn't horrible, either. But it all sort of went downhill (well, even moreso) from there. So, I avoid the movies almost as much as I avoid the plague. Or Diet Pepsi.
Anyways, during the preview for this movie, there's a scene where he gets women to show him their breasts due to a poker game or something. And, amazingly, the preview actually shows the scene in its entirety. A few points:
The girls of my school, however, tended to not be of the "mostly plastic" variety. While quite a few were dumb (but hey, we all were - this is high school, we're talking about here), I'm pretty sure the average girls at my school were a far shot from being absolute bimbos who couldn't keep their shirts on in a poker game if their lives depended on it (that'll learn 'em for playing a Queen Seven off suit!)
This is probably a good thing, though. If I went to school with those bimbo-ey girls, my already abysmal high school grades would have dropped down even more. What can I say? I'm easily distracted.
(As a side note, I almost made a joke about how you could equate a woman's breast size with their average grade - if they were mostly As, they mostly got As.... and so on down the road. Luckily, I have matured through the years, and did not make that joke. You can all bask in my maturity).
For the record, the original American Pie was okay, for what it was. And the second one wasn't horrible, either. But it all sort of went downhill (well, even moreso) from there. So, I avoid the movies almost as much as I avoid the plague. Or Diet Pepsi.
Anyways, during the preview for this movie, there's a scene where he gets women to show him their breasts due to a poker game or something. And, amazingly, the preview actually shows the scene in its entirety. A few points:
- Are previews really allowed to do this? Don't previews have to follow a certain rating scale?
- What is the point of doing this? Shouldn't you show the hot women, cut the actual boob flashing, and then show the awesome reaction shot? As if to say "if you really want to see these women's breasts, you're gonna have to fork out some cash".
- Most importantly, how come this has never happened at any poker game I've ever played? Is there a new version of the rules I'm not informed of?
The girls of my school, however, tended to not be of the "mostly plastic" variety. While quite a few were dumb (but hey, we all were - this is high school, we're talking about here), I'm pretty sure the average girls at my school were a far shot from being absolute bimbos who couldn't keep their shirts on in a poker game if their lives depended on it (that'll learn 'em for playing a Queen Seven off suit!)
This is probably a good thing, though. If I went to school with those bimbo-ey girls, my already abysmal high school grades would have dropped down even more. What can I say? I'm easily distracted.
(As a side note, I almost made a joke about how you could equate a woman's breast size with their average grade - if they were mostly As, they mostly got As.... and so on down the road. Luckily, I have matured through the years, and did not make that joke. You can all bask in my maturity).
Film Friday: The Best Movie EVER MADE....
It's a well known fact that, these days, Hollywood is not a fan of original movies. The reasoning is actually pretty sound - movies that are based on original concepts have a chance to fail. It is much more profitable to instead make movies that belong to a franchise, since each new iteration will (in theory) draw in more and more fans.
Failing that, it is a better idea to make a movie based on an established trope or subject than it is to tread new territory - while many of those "new territory" films can wind up grossing a decent amount of money, they are just as likely to fail miserably, costing some studio exec his career and (more importantly) fancy parking space.
I'm not saying anything new, here. I think most people that watch movies are aware of this. It's why we see the same movies, again and again, and why we see other movies getting remade every ten years or so. How many batman movies have been made? How many batman movies have been made that offer different explanations for how batman came to be? Hell, did you hear that they're remaking spider-man?
You know, a movie that was released less than ten years ago?
I have a prediction. Someone in hollywood is going to make a movie that takes all of these subjects, all of these genres, and mashes them all together. Someone is going to take all of those high-grossing films, tie them together with a formulaic plot, and see what happens. And the awful thing is... it'll probably work.
I have the story already figured out. It goes a little something like this:
A rather attractive male in his late teens (played by an actor in his early thirties) gets a summer job working for his uncle at a strange island in costa rica. During the nights, he goes to a seaside village community and dances in front of the locals, where he of course meets another attractive teen (played by an actress who is as close to 18 as possible, so she can show bewb) - and they strike off a happy go lucky relationship.
Then the dinosaurs attack. These dinosaurs are (of course) bred by our hero's uncle, and they swarm over the island, killing all of the ethnic locals while letting the white man (and a witty black guy who seems to only speak in one-liners) run free. Luckily, our male lead develops super powers due to a dinosaur bite, and is able to fight them off. Also, he has a shotgun. And a muscle shirt that gets covered in sweat.
At one point, the dinosaurs put our heroine in a corner. And nobody puts her in a corner. So our hero busts in and beats them up. At this point, we discover our brooding heroine is a vampire who twinkles in the sunlight. She thanks our hero by gazing up at him, longingly.
Then a T-Rex breaks in, and transforms into a truck for some reason. To escape, our heroes jump into a car and time travel back to the start of the movie, where comic hijinx ensure. The heroes have a passionate kiss, and try to escape on the cruise ship that is leaving the island. Our hero even draws a picture of his nekkid girflriend (yay for 18 year old bewbs!).
Of course, the ship sinks because it hit an iceberg. In Costa Rica. So, the heroes get back in the time-travelling DeLorean and make it back to the present time, where the shape-changing T-Rex is now trying to get a career started as a rapper. This career fails, and the dinosaur falls over, clutching its chest. A baby velociprator emerges, and runs around. It is, apparently, very scary, because our heroes hide behind a door. "it's a good thing they can't open doors" our heroine says.
Of course, the next scene involves the door slowly, ominously, being opened. And then we have a thrilling climax in which there's a shootout and a car chase, for some reason. Because not only can this velociraptor open doors, but it also apparently able to drive stick.
Failing that, it is a better idea to make a movie based on an established trope or subject than it is to tread new territory - while many of those "new territory" films can wind up grossing a decent amount of money, they are just as likely to fail miserably, costing some studio exec his career and (more importantly) fancy parking space.
I'm not saying anything new, here. I think most people that watch movies are aware of this. It's why we see the same movies, again and again, and why we see other movies getting remade every ten years or so. How many batman movies have been made? How many batman movies have been made that offer different explanations for how batman came to be? Hell, did you hear that they're remaking spider-man?
You know, a movie that was released less than ten years ago?
I have a prediction. Someone in hollywood is going to make a movie that takes all of these subjects, all of these genres, and mashes them all together. Someone is going to take all of those high-grossing films, tie them together with a formulaic plot, and see what happens. And the awful thing is... it'll probably work.
I have the story already figured out. It goes a little something like this:
A rather attractive male in his late teens (played by an actor in his early thirties) gets a summer job working for his uncle at a strange island in costa rica. During the nights, he goes to a seaside village community and dances in front of the locals, where he of course meets another attractive teen (played by an actress who is as close to 18 as possible, so she can show bewb) - and they strike off a happy go lucky relationship.
Then the dinosaurs attack. These dinosaurs are (of course) bred by our hero's uncle, and they swarm over the island, killing all of the ethnic locals while letting the white man (and a witty black guy who seems to only speak in one-liners) run free. Luckily, our male lead develops super powers due to a dinosaur bite, and is able to fight them off. Also, he has a shotgun. And a muscle shirt that gets covered in sweat.
At one point, the dinosaurs put our heroine in a corner. And nobody puts her in a corner. So our hero busts in and beats them up. At this point, we discover our brooding heroine is a vampire who twinkles in the sunlight. She thanks our hero by gazing up at him, longingly.
Then a T-Rex breaks in, and transforms into a truck for some reason. To escape, our heroes jump into a car and time travel back to the start of the movie, where comic hijinx ensure. The heroes have a passionate kiss, and try to escape on the cruise ship that is leaving the island. Our hero even draws a picture of his nekkid girflriend (yay for 18 year old bewbs!).
Of course, the ship sinks because it hit an iceberg. In Costa Rica. So, the heroes get back in the time-travelling DeLorean and make it back to the present time, where the shape-changing T-Rex is now trying to get a career started as a rapper. This career fails, and the dinosaur falls over, clutching its chest. A baby velociprator emerges, and runs around. It is, apparently, very scary, because our heroes hide behind a door. "it's a good thing they can't open doors" our heroine says.
Of course, the next scene involves the door slowly, ominously, being opened. And then we have a thrilling climax in which there's a shootout and a car chase, for some reason. Because not only can this velociraptor open doors, but it also apparently able to drive stick.
Film Friday: ...I...am.... IRON MANNNN!
I finally saw it last week, with the special lady. The first one- I don't know if I'll ever get off my butt and watch the second one.
It was one of those movies that people have been telling me to watch since, well, since it came out. "It's right up your alley - funny movie". Of course, I ignored them - super hero movies being, of course, utterly brainless and not worth my time. I mean, I like casual movies - I've posted about this a few times - but something about super hero movies just doesn't do it for me.
But, I finally saw Iron Man. And I enjoyed it. Granted, it won't be on any top 50 lists or anything, but it had some highly entertaining moments.
Watching it, it made me think about movies I have never seen, but have already decided I wouldn't like. And the list gets longer and longer every month. Transformers 1 & 2 are on that list. So are the last two Star Wars movies that came out. Kill Bill is up there, along with Inglourious Basterds, simply because Tarantino films are hit or miss with me. And the list goes on and on.
And this, of course, makes me wonder if maybe I'm missing something. Maybe Transformers is an awesome movie, filled with laughs and deep insights. Maybe it is Michael Bay's opus, his crowning work and an apology for all the other trash he has inflicted upon us over the years.
Then again, maybe it's just a movie about giant robots that turn into cars beating the crap out of each other.
I went for a good couple of years missing out on a good movie because I thought it was just a dumb film with a guy in a robot suit flying around. When I finally did watch it - and yes, it's a movie about a guy in a robot suit flying around... and so much more - I will admit to having underestimated it. But if I had never seen it?
Well, if I had never seen it, my life would be pretty much exactly the same. Except I'd be trying to think of something else to write a post about right now.
It was one of those movies that people have been telling me to watch since, well, since it came out. "It's right up your alley - funny movie". Of course, I ignored them - super hero movies being, of course, utterly brainless and not worth my time. I mean, I like casual movies - I've posted about this a few times - but something about super hero movies just doesn't do it for me.
But, I finally saw Iron Man. And I enjoyed it. Granted, it won't be on any top 50 lists or anything, but it had some highly entertaining moments.
Watching it, it made me think about movies I have never seen, but have already decided I wouldn't like. And the list gets longer and longer every month. Transformers 1 & 2 are on that list. So are the last two Star Wars movies that came out. Kill Bill is up there, along with Inglourious Basterds, simply because Tarantino films are hit or miss with me. And the list goes on and on.
And this, of course, makes me wonder if maybe I'm missing something. Maybe Transformers is an awesome movie, filled with laughs and deep insights. Maybe it is Michael Bay's opus, his crowning work and an apology for all the other trash he has inflicted upon us over the years.
Then again, maybe it's just a movie about giant robots that turn into cars beating the crap out of each other.
I went for a good couple of years missing out on a good movie because I thought it was just a dumb film with a guy in a robot suit flying around. When I finally did watch it - and yes, it's a movie about a guy in a robot suit flying around... and so much more - I will admit to having underestimated it. But if I had never seen it?
Well, if I had never seen it, my life would be pretty much exactly the same. Except I'd be trying to think of something else to write a post about right now.
Film Fridays: Indie Filmmaking
After watching a bazillion movies on youtube, I'm tempted to do it myself. Put down the five hundred bucks to buy a decent camera, and maybe another couple hundred to get some basic sound gear. Buy myself a mac for editing purposes. In all, spend about two grand.
...and then start unleashing madness upon the world.
See, I've been blogging, often about movies, for a good nine months now. And a part of me is wanting to put my money where my mouth is, and actually release something. I don't necessarily know what, yet. But it involves barbarians. And the 1980s.
And a Kraken.
Which begs the question: how does one film a kraken with a special effects budget of around ten dollars?
I'm in talks with Harryhausen. Who is apparently dead. Luckily, seances are fairly cheap.
...and then start unleashing madness upon the world.
See, I've been blogging, often about movies, for a good nine months now. And a part of me is wanting to put my money where my mouth is, and actually release something. I don't necessarily know what, yet. But it involves barbarians. And the 1980s.
And a Kraken.
Which begs the question: how does one film a kraken with a special effects budget of around ten dollars?
I'm in talks with Harryhausen. Who is apparently dead. Luckily, seances are fairly cheap.
Film Friday: The Answers!
I know y'all have been waiting, so here they are... the answers to last week's movie quiz!
- In that famous "deli orgasm scene" from When Harry Met Sally, the woman who says "I'll have what she's having" is actually Meg Ryan's real-life mother. Answer: False. The woman is actually director Rob Reiner's mother, though for some reason she is usually identified as Ryan's mother.
- During the chariot-race scene in the 1959 film Ben Hur, one of the stuntmen fell from a Chariot and was trampled by a horse. His death was caught on camera, and included in the final cut of the film. Answer: False. The only injury in that scene was a cut on the chin by one of the stuntmen. Urban Legends strike again!
- While filming Jurassic Park, critics pointed out that real-life velociraptors were only half the size of those depicted in the film. However, before filming was complete, a velociraptor skeleton was found that closely resembled that in the film, and was nicknamed "Spielberg's Raptor". Answer: True. The raptor species is commonly known as the Utahraptor, after the state it was discovered in.
- While he played Indiana Jones' father in The Last Crusade, in reality, Sean Connery is only six years older than Ford. Answer: True. Apparently, old people are scary in movies.
- In The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, all of the main characters spoke Italian in the scenes, and were overdubbed into English for the western release. Clint Eastwood have to overdub his own voice back into English, being the first actor to ever do a voiceover for his own performance. Answer: False. Clint Eastwood did all his speaking parts in English, while other actors spoke in Italian (and were overdubbed for the Western Release).
- On the final night of shooting the film Titanic, pranksters mixed PCP (Angel Dust) into a clam chowder served to the cast and crew. Over 80 people fell ill, many being hospitalized with hallucinations. Answer: True. Bill Paxton felt completely listless for weeks after the event. Every member of the crew suffered the same hallucination, too - the mistaken belief that they had all worked on a halfway decent film.
- More money was spent on advertising and promotion for the film Animal House than was spent on the film itself. Answer: True. Let that be a lesson to you, Michael Bay!
- During the filming of Gladiator, new laws arose in Greece that prevented the use of animals in violent action scenes, causing those scenes to instead be filmed on a soundstage in Los Angeles. Answer: False... Gladiator was filmed in Italy. And those laws never existed. Also, Los Angeles isn't a real place.
- There was a widespread internet petition to have the title of Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers changed, as many fans unfamiliar with Tolkien's 1960s classics felt that the name was in poor taste (referencing the then-recent September 11th attacks). Answer: Unfortunately, True. People are idiots.
- Kevin Costner has no recollection of ever directing his box office disaster, the Postman. He simply does not remember doing so, and would later claim he was on heavy painkillers and prescription meds during the entire production run of the movie. Answer: False. But I'm pretty sure Costner was on one drug or another when he made that movie. And not those performance-enhancing drugs, either.
Film Friday: Some Little Known Facts About Movies
Movies are great, especially if you are a trivia-orientated nerd such as myself. Such movie fans can tell you with calm certainty that Harrison Ford only shot that dervish in Raiders because he had a stomach bug that day and wasn't up for the fight scene, or that George Lucas was forced to resign from the director's guild because of his decision to begin Star Wars with no opening credits. These facts are, in fact, our bread and butter.
If you watch a movie with me, I'll point out all those little factoids. It is, in fact, quite annoying for average movie fans. Personally, I think it makes me awesome... but most normal people would probably disagree.
But I figured I would create a game. Some of the following facts are true... others are completely bogus. Some are urban legends, some are mistellings, and others are hard fact. It's your game to guess. Simply guess whether each fact is true or false. I'll post the answers sometime next week.
Have fun!
If you watch a movie with me, I'll point out all those little factoids. It is, in fact, quite annoying for average movie fans. Personally, I think it makes me awesome... but most normal people would probably disagree.
But I figured I would create a game. Some of the following facts are true... others are completely bogus. Some are urban legends, some are mistellings, and others are hard fact. It's your game to guess. Simply guess whether each fact is true or false. I'll post the answers sometime next week.
Have fun!
- In that famous "deli orgasm scene" from When Harry Met Sally, the woman who says "I'll have what she's having" is actually Meg Ryan's real-life mother.
- During the chariot-race scene in the 1959 film Ben Hur, one of the stuntmen fell from a Chariot and was trampled by a horse. His death was caught on camera, and included in the final cut of the film.
- While filming Jurassic Park, critics pointed out that real-life velociraptors were only half the size of those depicted in the film. However, before filming was complete, a velociraptor skeleton was found that closely resembled that in the film, and was nicknamed "Spielberg's Raptor".
- While he played Indiana Jones' father in The Last Crusade, in reality, Sean Connery is only six years older than Ford.
- In The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, all of the main characters spoke Italian in the scenes, and were overdubbed into English for the western release. Clint Eastwood have to overdub his own voice back into English, being the first actor to ever do a voiceover for his own performance.
- On the final night of shooting the film Titanic, pranksters mixed PCP (Angel Dust) into a clam chowder served to the cast and crew. Over 80 people fell ill, many being hospitalized with hallucinations.
- More money was spent on advertising and promotion for the film Animal House than was spent on the film itself.
- During the filming of Gladiator, new laws arose in Greece that prevented the use of animals in violent action scenes, causing those scenes to instead be filmed on a soundstage in Los Angeles.
- There was a widespread internet petition to have the title of Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers changed, as many fans unfamiliar with Tolkien's 1960s classics felt that the name was in poor taste (referencing the then-recent September 11th attacks).
- Kevin Costner has no recollection of ever directing his box office disaster, the Postman. He simply does not remember doing so, and would later claim he was on heavy painkillers and prescription meds during the entire production run of the movie.
Film Friday: The Book was Better...
It's become almost a cliche - a movie comes out, and someone inevitably says "the book was better". People scowl, and make faces. And the speaker carries on, listing all the reasons why the book was infinitely better - until someone hits her with a hammer.
(I saw a scene like that in a movie once. Someone told me the scene came from a book, and it was better done there. So I hit her with a hammer. But I digress.)\
The thing is, though, I'm not sure I buy that line of reasoning. I can think of quite a few movies that were better than the book. Fight Club, for example, is infinitely better - even the author says so. Philip K. Dick, while never getting the chance to see the final version of Blade Runner, was incredibly excited by the book, actually saying the makers had produced something that Dick had been unable to after decades of writing. And let's not even talk about Jurassic Park, The Princess Bride, or The Lord of the Rings (cue nerd rage in 3.... 2.... 1....)
I bring this up because I just finished reading Nick Hornby's A Long Way Down. Hornby, for those that don't know, wrote High Fidelity and About a Boy, among other greats. And those two books were made into two brilliant films - High Fidelity is, in fact, one of my top three movies of all time.
Both of those films, by the way, slightly beat out the book - High Fidelity just has some great poetic additions in the film (particularly the part where Rob starts talking about what he loves about Laura - watch that frigging scene!), whereas About a Boy's film ending costs a bit more for the character than in the book (Will remains a witness to events in the book, with his profound change being entirely internal, as opposed to Will having to make an effort to help someone else in the film).
But after reading A Long Way Down, I knew that it would be a bad movie. Why? I'm not entirely sure. I think it may have to do that there's really not much that happens in the story - it mostly consists of four people wondering about their lives in a sort of depressing manner.
See, the plot is basically as follows: four strangers converge upon a rooftop known as a suicide point on New Year's Eve, each wanting to end their life. Because they're all there, the "moment is gone", so instead they hang out. And they start to look out for each other, talking each other out of ending it all - and start to put together why life is worth living. It's a downer book, but also hilarious - it has some of the funniest scenes I've ever read. Such as:
Just look at the Postman. Children of the Corn. The Stand. I Am Legend. Starship Troopers.
In those cases, yeah, the book was better.
Please don't hit me with a hammer.
(I saw a scene like that in a movie once. Someone told me the scene came from a book, and it was better done there. So I hit her with a hammer. But I digress.)\
The thing is, though, I'm not sure I buy that line of reasoning. I can think of quite a few movies that were better than the book. Fight Club, for example, is infinitely better - even the author says so. Philip K. Dick, while never getting the chance to see the final version of Blade Runner, was incredibly excited by the book, actually saying the makers had produced something that Dick had been unable to after decades of writing. And let's not even talk about Jurassic Park, The Princess Bride, or The Lord of the Rings (cue nerd rage in 3.... 2.... 1....)
Both of those films, by the way, slightly beat out the book - High Fidelity just has some great poetic additions in the film (particularly the part where Rob starts talking about what he loves about Laura - watch that frigging scene!), whereas About a Boy's film ending costs a bit more for the character than in the book (Will remains a witness to events in the book, with his profound change being entirely internal, as opposed to Will having to make an effort to help someone else in the film).
But after reading A Long Way Down, I knew that it would be a bad movie. Why? I'm not entirely sure. I think it may have to do that there's really not much that happens in the story - it mostly consists of four people wondering about their lives in a sort of depressing manner.
See, the plot is basically as follows: four strangers converge upon a rooftop known as a suicide point on New Year's Eve, each wanting to end their life. Because they're all there, the "moment is gone", so instead they hang out. And they start to look out for each other, talking each other out of ending it all - and start to put together why life is worth living. It's a downer book, but also hilarious - it has some of the funniest scenes I've ever read. Such as:
...I split thursday afternoons with a man called DJ GoodNews, who speaks to the dead, usually on behalf of the receptionist, the window cleaner, the minicab driver booked to take him home, or anyone else who happens to be passing through: "Does the letter 'A' mean anything to you, Asif?" and so on. The other afternoons are taken up by tapes of old dog races from the U.S. - once upon a time the intention was to offer the viewers the chance to bet, but nothing ever came of it, and in my opinion, if you can't bet, then dog racing, especially old dog racing, loses some of its appeal. During the evening, two women sit talking to each other, in and usually about their underwear, while viewers text them lewd messages, which they ignore. And that's more or less it. Declan runs the station on behald of a mysterious Asian businessman, and those of us who work for FeetUp!TV can only presume that somehow, in ways too obtuse and sophisticated for us to decipher, we are somehow involved in the trafficking of class A drugs and child pornography. One theory is that the dogs in the races are sending out encoded messages to the traffickers: If, say, the dog in the outside lane wins, then that is a message to the Thai contact that he should send a couple of kilos of heroin and four thirteen-year-olds first thing in the morning. Something like that anyway.While crude, it is the funniest thing I've read in years. And would that ever translate well into a film? I can't really see it - it would lose its appeal. And without the humour, it's just a book about four people talking about suicide, without ever actually doing it (see, it's kind of uplifting while also being a huge downer...) Some movies, I guess, should never be made into books. Unfortunately, they often are.
Just look at the Postman. Children of the Corn. The Stand. I Am Legend. Starship Troopers.
In those cases, yeah, the book was better.
Please don't hit me with a hammer.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
