I was just checking out my google analytics.  The most common search keyword that  takes people to my site is "Pterodactyl Porn".  It takes people to this page, a throw-away post describing one of the oddest things on the intahwebs.  Strangely, it is now one of my most-viewed pages. 

People are strange. 

Scene from a Bar:

(SCENE:  A loud karaoke bar.  DAVE, a handsome red-headed gentleman who oozes a quiet sense of masculinity and poise, approaches the BARTENDER, a young blonde woman in a skirt that is so ridiculously short it borders on absurd.)

DAVE:  What!?
BARTENDER:  I said, "hi!"
DAVE:  Oh!
BARTENDER:  What can I get you?
DAVE:  I'll have a CC and Ginger! 

(BARTENDER pauses, makes a weird face, and then starts entering some numbers into her till.)

BARTENDER:  Um, okay...  Why sixteen?
DAVE:  Hunh?
BARTENDER:  Well, it's pretty specific...
DAVE:  Um.  I said "Canadian Club and Ginger Ale"
BARTENDER:  Oh!  I thought you said "Sixteen Chicken Wings!"

This post is gonna send me to Syntax hell...

God, I hate it when people talk out of their ass.  When people speak down to you from on high, while at the same time being absolutely wrong and skewed.   I hate the way they speak in these situations, too - especially when they're correcting me when their "corrections" are absolutely akimbo. 

It's worse then they SHOULD know what they're saying, but yet are just ridiculously ill-informed.  I mean, just last week I spoke to a man who told me he was a Professor of English at a university, correcting me - ME - on my use of language.  Said I'd been using the wrong word to describe something.  But the thing was, he's completely and utterly wrong.

I have to say, the ironing is delicious.

Another, unfortunately true (though slightly exaggeratted), story from work:

So, my co-worker and I are sitting around, working our butts off, when one of us says something bone-ass stupid.  Knowing how these things usually go, it was probably me, but I don't remember now.  Anyways, we both giggled like morons, causing our supervisor to walk by and just shake his head.


SUPERVISOR:  You guys are like overgrown kids, you know.
CO-WORKER:  No.  We're adults with a difficult job.
DAVE:  Yeah.  (typing away while speaking)  We're the pinnacle of "adult" in all ways.
SUPERVISOR:  Really?  I don't believe you.  Just a few hours ago, you were talking about video games, like you were eight years old.
CO-WORKER:  Like kids?  It was Call of Duty, and that is an adult game, and-
DAVE: Hey, check it out!  This woman's last name is - get this - "Johnson".
CO-WORKER:  Henh henh.  "Johnson".
DAVE:  "Johnson" means "Penis"
CO-WORKER:  (Giggles)
DAVE:  Henh henh.  "Miss Penis"
CO-WORKER: (Giggles louder)
DAVE:  Henh henh Henh.
SUPERVISOR:  I give up (Walks away)
DAVE:  Ha.  That was fun.
CO-WORKER:  Yeah.  It's fun messing with supervisors.  You weren't really serious about that whole "Johnson" joke, were you?
DAVE:  Nah.  It's pretty immature, and-
CO-WORKER:  Hey, check it out!  This guy's last name is "Wang!" 
You know what I hate?

When someone hasn't posted on their blog for a few weeks, and then after only one post, they post a link to some stupid youtube video.

It really butters my biscuit. 

Why, if I had a dollar every time I -



That was a fun few weeks off from the busy world of blogging.  You see, my weeks off were just so incredibly PACKED that I simply did not have time for blogging.  I most certainly was not playing the new Halo: Reach game, drinking cheap drinks in non-cheap quantities, celebrating weddings, and lying on my couch half-naked watching old hockey re-runs. 

Nooooope.  I was, um, busy.  Check it out:
  • It's been super stressful at the office.  Even more so than usual - after all, those oodles of papers don't process themselves.  But the worst part was when someone sent a bomb to our office, and the Admin team was chosen to defuse the damned thing while our supervisors "supervised from a remote location".  We were told we were qualified for this "new employment paradigm" due to our "ability to perform admirably against a tight deadline".  It turns out that I don't like having a co-worker scream at me "Do I cut the red wire or the blue wire? RED WIRE OR BLUE WIRE!?".  Also, it turns out that I look exactly the same without eyebrows as I do with.  This bothers me.
  • I spent three weeks in jail for picking a fight with this big man who was pushing around this child - I saw him smack the kid and jumped in valiantly, pushing this man against the wall while saying "people like you should be shot!".  Turns out I tackled a pregnant nurse giving the heimlich maneuver to a midget.  Don't worry - the midget survived.  Those nuns who were videotaping the whole thing didn't seem impressed, though. 
  • A commercial asked me "how many gulps does it take to get to the bottom of a bottle of Jose Cuervo?".  Mathematically, the answer is sixty seven, but I discovered that it's actually a trick question.  After about gulp forty eight, you break the bottle over someone's head for insulting your mother and wind up picking a fight with some pregnant chick. 
And that was my few weeks off recharging the batteries.

Let us never speak of it again.

Recharging the Batteries:

Some of you may have noticed I've been a bit... lax... with the updates the last week or so.  There are two reasons:

1)  My computer is absolute garbage.  When I try to get ready to do a blog post, it takes forever to load up.  Then I get blogger working, and I find myself staring at a blank screen saying "what was I gonna write again?"  This inevitably devolves into yours truly throwing a half-empty tube of pringles at the computer screen while my newt watches on, disprovingly. 

2)  I write a personal blog that at least tries to be funny, for the most part.  Lately, though, I'm more of a pensive, thoughtful phase.  And like Woody Allen movies, I'm not really all that funny when I'm thoughtful.  I mean, I crack jokes and whatnot, but I'm in one of my "end of summer" modes where all I want to do is read books and get in arguments with people about obscure film topics... such as Woody Allen movies.   

That being said, I'm taking a wee bit of a vacation.  And I do mean a "wee bit" - I'm not going on hiatus or anything.  Just need a chance to recharge the batteries.  I've been sending myself e-mails from work containing some great snippets of conversations overheard, but they need a bit of cleaning up before I'll post them here. 

Have a great weekend all, and I'll see y'all soon.