Today is remembrance day. The day that we honour the veterans of the last century of warfare. The day we remember sacrifices made in the name of freedom and safety, and say "thanks".
Here's a challenge to everyone out there. Today, find five veterans, and simply tell them "Thank you". Buy them coffee if you can, shake their hands, whatever works. It doesn't have to be world war two vets in full battle regalia at the parades, either. If you see a guy in fatigues at a grocery store, say something.
Hell, let's extend it, so it's not just a military thing. Say "thanks" to people that deserve it, but rarely hear it. People that make sacrifices that are often unsung. Say "thanks" to a cop, paramedic, firefighter, nurse, soldier, whatever.
That's your challenge for the day. If you're up to it.
Showing posts with label A New Law. Show all posts
Showing posts with label A New Law. Show all posts
The Stupid People Tax:
It seems like, everyday, I'm bombarded with warnings I don't really need. Commercials with sky-diving stuntmen engulfed in flames have fine print warning me not to do this at home, vacuums have warnings to avoid using on genitalia (seriously?), and coffee cups are warning me that coffee, is, apparently, hot.
Everything around me has been dumbed down - music, cinema, the news, even university classes. The fact is, our world bows down to the stupid people, catering to their every misinformed whim. This, dear readers, is why there "Cheeseburger" flavoured doritoes, but still no cure for cancer.
We are constantly dealing with the small percentage of the population that is, frankly, retarded. They clog our emergency rooms with idiotic concerns ("My nose is runny!"), they clog the phone lines for every public service with stupid questions ("how do I turn my computer on?") and they fill every office with mountains of needless paperwork.
And frankly, I'm sick of it.
Which is why I propose a stupid person tax.
It works like this: because stupid people are the reason we have so many unnecessary expenditures in the public works, not to mention the economic strain they put on private businesses, I feel it is only appropriate that they carry some of the burden they place upon society as a whole. So, said stupid people will have to pay a small tax to make up for the fact that everyone else has to deal with them.
Next time I'm stuck in line behind a man who can't decide whether it's better to get the "two for five dollars" product or the product that regularly costs 2.50, I can shrug and say "hey, at least he's paying the tax". Ditto for all those people who call my office demanding I take their listing off the credit bureau when they owe my company thousands of dollars - they may be wasting my time, but hey, at least they're paying the moron tax.
Of course, the government would need to set up parameters for deciding who has to pay the tax. I have a few suggestions.
Anyone convicted of a D.U.I. would have to pay the tax, as well as anyone who calls a single office more than four times in one week for trivial concerns. Anyone who owns more than one dirt bike immediately has to pay the tax, as well as people with mullets. Fans of "Emo Rock" have to pay the tax twice.
Working in the government office dedicated towards the stupid tax would be pretty, um, taxing. Imagine the phone calls:
GUY: Yeah, I'm trying to call to see if I have to pay the stupid person tax....
GOVERNMENT WORKER: I see. Are you voluntarily calling to alert us that you may be eligible for the stupid person tax, then?
GUY: Um, yeah. But I don't know if I'm stupid or not, see...
GOVERNMENT WORKER: Oh, trust me sir. You're stupid.
GUY: Okay, cool.
In the end, though, the government would rake in all sorts of funds. I suggest we put all earned moneys towards building a giant rocket. We will load this rocket up with all the dumbest offenders, and send them on their way to Mars or something. We'll send food - and air - later.
Maybe then I could finally get some work done.
Everything around me has been dumbed down - music, cinema, the news, even university classes. The fact is, our world bows down to the stupid people, catering to their every misinformed whim. This, dear readers, is why there "Cheeseburger" flavoured doritoes, but still no cure for cancer.
We are constantly dealing with the small percentage of the population that is, frankly, retarded. They clog our emergency rooms with idiotic concerns ("My nose is runny!"), they clog the phone lines for every public service with stupid questions ("how do I turn my computer on?") and they fill every office with mountains of needless paperwork.
And frankly, I'm sick of it.
Which is why I propose a stupid person tax.
It works like this: because stupid people are the reason we have so many unnecessary expenditures in the public works, not to mention the economic strain they put on private businesses, I feel it is only appropriate that they carry some of the burden they place upon society as a whole. So, said stupid people will have to pay a small tax to make up for the fact that everyone else has to deal with them.
Next time I'm stuck in line behind a man who can't decide whether it's better to get the "two for five dollars" product or the product that regularly costs 2.50, I can shrug and say "hey, at least he's paying the tax". Ditto for all those people who call my office demanding I take their listing off the credit bureau when they owe my company thousands of dollars - they may be wasting my time, but hey, at least they're paying the moron tax.
Of course, the government would need to set up parameters for deciding who has to pay the tax. I have a few suggestions.
Anyone convicted of a D.U.I. would have to pay the tax, as well as anyone who calls a single office more than four times in one week for trivial concerns. Anyone who owns more than one dirt bike immediately has to pay the tax, as well as people with mullets. Fans of "Emo Rock" have to pay the tax twice.
Working in the government office dedicated towards the stupid tax would be pretty, um, taxing. Imagine the phone calls:
GUY: Yeah, I'm trying to call to see if I have to pay the stupid person tax....
GOVERNMENT WORKER: I see. Are you voluntarily calling to alert us that you may be eligible for the stupid person tax, then?
GUY: Um, yeah. But I don't know if I'm stupid or not, see...
GOVERNMENT WORKER: Oh, trust me sir. You're stupid.
GUY: Okay, cool.
In the end, though, the government would rake in all sorts of funds. I suggest we put all earned moneys towards building a giant rocket. We will load this rocket up with all the dumbest offenders, and send them on their way to Mars or something. We'll send food - and air - later.
Maybe then I could finally get some work done.
I give you... the awesomest action scene ever
Why can't they make movies like this Canada!?
(I particularly like the part where he slides the horse underneath the truck. Also, his mullet = awesome)
(I particularly like the part where he slides the horse underneath the truck. Also, his mullet = awesome)
A New Law #5...
During the late autumn and winter months, individuals wearing shorts, skirts, dresses, sandals, or any other form of warm-weather clothing do not have the right to complain about being "cold". They are allowed to stand still and shiver, but have no right to complain about just how cold they are. Those that break this rule will be placed under house arrest until the first day of spring.
A New Law #4
A New Law...
Anyone who refers to an event as occuring "back in the day", when said event has occured within five years, shall be subjected to death by catapult.
Anyone who refers to an event as occuring "back in the day", when said event has occured within five years, shall be subjected to death by catapult.
A New Law #3
A New Law...
If an apartment dweller makes any sort of baked good that smells particularly good, and that smell permeates the entire floor of his or her apartment complex, that person is legally obliged to share said baked confectionary with his or her floor mates.
I call this the "cinnamon bun rule". Or possibly, the "tart tort".
If an apartment dweller makes any sort of baked good that smells particularly good, and that smell permeates the entire floor of his or her apartment complex, that person is legally obliged to share said baked confectionary with his or her floor mates.
I call this the "cinnamon bun rule". Or possibly, the "tart tort".
A New Law #2....
New Law Number Two:
If a car alarm goes off and is not stopped within five minutes, especially if the sun has already set, the public shall have the right to destroy said vehicle with any object on hand.
Thus shall it be written, thus shall it be done.
If a car alarm goes off and is not stopped within five minutes, especially if the sun has already set, the public shall have the right to destroy said vehicle with any object on hand.
Thus shall it be written, thus shall it be done.
A New Law...
So, I'm watching TV. And there's yet another crappy commercial on - some woman is shopping at a mall, and she sees her car get towed away. Whatever will she do!?
Oh, wait, no. There it is. Whoopsy daisy!
Flash the logo for State Farm Auto Insurance. Because, you know, in situations where nothing has actually happened, State Farm Is There.
Seriously. It's time for a new law.
Whenever a crappy commercial is aired that is mind-bogglingly stupid or pointless, the commercial should be put on trial. If the commercial gets enough votes, the makers should lose their film-making rights. Preferably, they should also serve some sort of prison sentence. And not one of those nice prisons, either. I want to see the commercial guys leaving prison with all sorts of gang "tats", cornrow haircuts, and a perpetual scowl.
Actually, let's extend the law. Anyone that produces agreed-upon crap and garbage should suffer the consequences.
I'm looking at you, Uwe Boll.
Oh, wait, no. There it is. Whoopsy daisy!
Flash the logo for State Farm Auto Insurance. Because, you know, in situations where nothing has actually happened, State Farm Is There.
Seriously. It's time for a new law.
Whenever a crappy commercial is aired that is mind-bogglingly stupid or pointless, the commercial should be put on trial. If the commercial gets enough votes, the makers should lose their film-making rights. Preferably, they should also serve some sort of prison sentence. And not one of those nice prisons, either. I want to see the commercial guys leaving prison with all sorts of gang "tats", cornrow haircuts, and a perpetual scowl.
Actually, let's extend the law. Anyone that produces agreed-upon crap and garbage should suffer the consequences.
I'm looking at you, Uwe Boll.
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