The Stupid People Tax:

It seems like, everyday, I'm bombarded with warnings I don't really need.  Commercials with sky-diving stuntmen engulfed in flames have fine print warning me not to do this at home, vacuums have warnings to avoid using on genitalia (seriously?), and coffee cups are warning me that coffee, is, apparently, hot. 

Everything around me has been dumbed down - music, cinema, the news, even university classes.  The fact is, our world bows down to the stupid people, catering to their every misinformed whim.  This, dear readers, is why there "Cheeseburger" flavoured doritoes, but still no cure for cancer. 

We are constantly dealing with the small percentage of the population that is, frankly, retarded.  They clog our emergency rooms with idiotic concerns ("My nose is runny!"), they clog the phone lines for every public service with stupid questions ("how do I turn my computer on?") and they fill every office with mountains of needless paperwork.

And frankly, I'm sick of it.

Which is why I propose a stupid person tax.

It works like this:  because stupid people are the reason we have so many unnecessary expenditures in the public works, not to mention the economic strain they put on private businesses, I feel it is only appropriate that they carry some of the burden they place upon society as a whole.  So, said stupid people will have to pay a small tax to make up for the fact that everyone else has to deal with them.

Next time I'm stuck in line behind a man who can't decide whether it's better to get the "two for five dollars" product or the product that regularly costs 2.50, I can shrug and say "hey, at least he's paying the tax".  Ditto for all those people who call my office demanding I take their listing off the credit bureau when they owe my company thousands of dollars - they may be wasting my time, but hey, at least they're paying the moron tax.

Of course, the government would need to set up parameters for deciding who has to pay the tax.  I have a few suggestions.

Anyone convicted of a D.U.I. would have to pay the tax, as well as anyone who calls a single office more than four times in one week for trivial concerns.  Anyone who owns more than one dirt bike immediately has to pay the tax, as well as people with mullets.  Fans of "Emo Rock" have to pay the tax twice.

Working in the government office dedicated towards the stupid tax would be pretty, um, taxing.  Imagine the phone calls:

GUY:  Yeah, I'm trying to call to see if I have to pay the stupid person tax....
GOVERNMENT WORKER:  I see.  Are you voluntarily calling to alert us that you may be eligible for the stupid person tax, then?
GUY:  Um, yeah.  But I don't know if I'm stupid or not, see...
GOVERNMENT WORKER:  Oh, trust me sir.  You're stupid. 
GUY:  Okay, cool. 

In the end, though, the government would rake in all sorts of funds.  I suggest we put all earned moneys towards building a giant rocket.  We will load this rocket up with all the dumbest offenders, and send them on their way to Mars or something.  We'll send food - and air - later. 

Maybe then I could finally get some work done.

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