Actual Customer Calls...

As I write this, it's a relatively slow sunday afternoon at the ATM office.  It'd almost be pleasant... were it not for the morons that have decided to call me.  And they ring, hour after hour - people with the most inane complaints or concerns.  I think it's because I've been reading Dr. Grumpy's blog in my off time, and they seem to have picked up on it.

Seriously, guys - my customers have become dumber.  Something is going on.  Because there's an epidemic of "dumb".  Check it out:

DAZED AND CONFUSED:  Um, hi.  I'm in >>Hospital Name<< right now, and I'm using your ATM.
DAVE:  Mm hmm?
DAZED AND CONFUSED:  Well, I tried to take money out of your ATM and it wouldn't work.  Is there a way I can take money out of your ATM without using a card?  I seem to have lost mine...
DAVE:  Um.  Not legally, no.
DAZED AND CONFUSED:  Oh.  See, I need some money because I just parked my car... I need some change.
DAVE:  Well, um our ATM doesn't give change...
DAZED AND CONFUSED:  Really?  What if I put a twenty in it?
DAVE:  Uh.  It's an ATM, sir.  I can only dispense money.
DAZED AND CONFUSED:  Oh!  I have to use my debit card?
DAVE:  Yes.
DAZED AND CONFUSED:  How do I do that?

***

DAVE:  Hi there, how can I-

GAMBLING MAN (At a well known casino/race track):  Your ATM isn't working.  I'm at >>Casino<< and it won't give me money.

DAVE:  Ah, yes.  Unfortunately, that particular machine won't be in service for a little while.  It's broken, and we're sending a part-

GAMBLING MAN:  But I want to gamble now!

DAVE:  I understand.  But that particular machine has an error that needs to be fixed and-

GAMBLING MAN:  So when is the error fixed?

DAVE:  Well, on tuesday, but there are other machines at the casino-

GAMBLING MAN:  So you're saying I have to wait until tuesday before I can take out money?  I want to play the slots now!

DAVE:  No, sir, there are other ATMs at the Casino, you'll just have to ask a staff member to show you where they are in the location.

GAMBLING MAN:  What?  Your company made a mistake, and now you expect me to fix it?
DAVE:  Um.  No.  I'm saying you have to ask a staff member to show you where a working ATM is, because I've never been to >>Ontario Casino<<

GAMBLING MAN:  Well, that much is obvious.

DAVE:  Okay.  I work at >>ATM Company<< not at the casino, sir.  And we're trying to fix our machines.  There are working machines there, I just don't know exactly where, but I'm sure a staff member would be happy to-

GAMBLING MAN:  This is just fucking ridiculous.  *click*

***

ANOTHER GAMBLER:  Hi, I'm at >>another Casino<< and your machine doesn't work.

DAVE:  Okay?  What seems to be the problem? 

ANOTHER GAMBLER:  It says the machine is temporarily out of service.

DAVE:  Ah, yes!  That machine is out of service for the next few minutes.  I'm just getting some info from it.

ANOTHER GAMBLER:  So, have I been billed for my transaction?
DAVE:  no.  Did you put your card in the machine?

ANOTHER GAMBLER:  Um. No.

DAVE:  Then you should be fine, sir.

ANOTHER GAMBLER:  So, what I'm supposed to do?

DAVE:  I'd recommend using another machine?

ANOTHER GAMBLER:  Uh, okay.  Where is another machine?

DAVE:  Are you standing by the ATM right now?

ANOTHER GAMBLER: Yeah...

DAVE:  Look to your right.

ANOTHER GAMBLER:  Oh, hey!  There's another ATM there.

DAVE:  Have a good day, sir!

***

VISA LADY:  Hi, I use your machine.  It no work...

DAVE:  Okay.  Um, what seems to be the problem.

VISA LADY:  I use my Visa Premium Pratinum card, and no work.

DAVE:  Well, unfortunately, our machines do not accept Visa.

VISA LADY:  But it no work.

DAVE:  I understand.  Our ATMs do not accept Visa...

VISA LADY:  It premium card.  Just got.

DAVE:  Yes. 

VISA LADY:  I enter pin number and everything.

DAVE:  Yes, but our machines do not accept Visa cards.

VISA LADY:  But it no work.

DAVE:  Right.  It won't work.  Because our ATMs do not accept Visa Cards.

VISA LADY:  Your machine no take Visa?

DAVE:  Our machines do not take Visa.

VISA LADY:  No take Premium Visa?

DAVE:  No take Premium Visa.

VISA LADY:  Ohh....

DAVE:  Is there anything else I can help you with today, miss?

VISA LADY:  You take Mastercard?

DAVE:  Yes.  Our machiens take mastercard.

VISA LADY:  Oh.  Can I appry for mastercard, then?

DAVE:  (bangs head on desk)