How to Date a Woman in Three Easy Steps

So, I was writing a plenty of fish message, and after about a few sentences in, I realized... "hey, this is going to be one of those messages that will later end up on this blog, unresponded to".  Naturally, I didn't hit the "send" button, and instead decided to reformat the message and post it here, instead.

I call this personal growth. You should be proud of me.

So, here goes:

How to Date a Woman in Three Easy Steps

The female species can, at times, seem to be a very elusive, confusing beast.  Their logic can be circular, avoiding a head-on confronation in favour of circling around and kicking you in the posterior.  Their physiology and sexual characteristics share much in common with subterranean caverns, where the bad things live.  And, of course, their obsession with horses and unicorns suggests an uneven psychology at the very least. 

Naturally, these characteristics make the pursuit of women a confusing, dangerous undertaking for any man.  Luckily, there are guidelines that the well-prepared man can follow to increase his odds of impressing the woman that has caught his fancy. 

There are three easy-to-follow steps in successful dating. The would-be suitor should make every attempt to follow these three steps if he hopes to make a lasting impression.

Step One:  Distraction.

Distract a women with a shiny object.  Women are much like crows or magpies - they have a genetic disposition towards shiny objects, like earrings or necklaces.  By presenting such an object, you distract them, allowing you to get close to said woman, allowing them to get used to your scent.  Which brings us to...

Step Two:  Smell Good

Women do not respond well to poor scents.  Mask your natural, dirty male smells with pheromone-ridden chemicals.  Women respond heavily to scent, and immediately react with fear and confusion towards "masculine" smells.  Do your best to smell like a chemical of some sort.  It has been suggested that many marketed scents, such as AXE body spray, are designed towards attracting women.  While this is true, the fact is that most women simply respond to any chemical smell whatsoever.  Anecdotal evidence suggests that women are just as likely to respond to Febreeze as they are to Old Spice.

Step Three:  The Golden Rule

Common knowledge is to just "be yourself".  This is a lie.  If you act like yourself, you will inevitably scare the woman away.   The best way to attact a woman is to be anybody but yourself.  Lie for all you're worth, and if the woman buys the lie well enough, by the time she realizes who you really are, she'll be too invested in the relationship to escape.  This is how my grandfather got my grandmother.  Until last week, she honestly thought she was dating Arthur M. McGuinness, professional bear wrestler and moustache afficianado... when in reality, she'd been married to Arthur N. McPercival, a flatulent uncouth loan shark and anti-semite. 

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So, there you have it.  By following these three simple steps, you will find that the women folk are bound to love you.