We're On To your Little Game

So. Women of the world. Listen up.

We're onto you. We know your little game.

It works like this. A female friend of mine will be describing another friend of hers, who is not present, who I have never met. She'll be telling me about, say, "Jamie", and going on about all the great things Jamie has done. In the sake of being able to visualize Jamie a bit more, I will ask that question every male asks in this situation:

"Is she hot?"

Now, here's the thing, ladies. You don't even need to answer this question. Because you answer it before you even open your mouth.

If you say "yes" or something like that right away, with no hesitation, the answer means "yes". It also probably means that she is hotter than you, in an entirely different league perhaps (you're in the AHL, and she's playing first line for the Red Wings). Or, it means that while she is hot, she is considerably uglier than you are... in which case, I'm a very lucky guy to be talking to you, eh? (Send photos!)

If you pause for only a second, and then say "well, she's cute", that means that yeah, she's probably a good looking lady. Around the same level of hotness as you, in fact, and you are slightly uncomfortable with this. Don't worry - I'm sure her personality isn't nearly as awesome as yours.

If you wait, however, hesitate, or say "ummmmm...." what you're really saying is "Well, I know for a fact that my friend is ugly, but I don't want to say that, because she's my friend". So, you're trying to find a nice way to say "well, she has a great personality" or "she's nice!". Don't even worry what you say, though, because you've already kicked poor Jamie beneath the bus. You heartless bitch.

And, if you say "no", without any hesitation, then Jamie is a terrifyingly ugly woman, perhaps the queen alien from that movie about aliens - what's her name? Oh, right. Jennifer Love Hewitt.

I just have to say. I'm glad I'm not single. Because the thought of waking up next to Ms. Hewitt scares the shit out of me every night.