The Newt Speaks...

...oh, thank God.  He's gone.

That ginger-haired "Dave" guy is gone.  I don't know where he goes, but when he comes back he's sweating like a maniac and hops straight into the shower.  I laugh when he does it, sometimes. 

You may not believe it, but it can be boring sitting in a tank all day.

I picked the latch from my aquatic home, and made the crawl to the keyboard.  I loaded up this "internet" thing, and wanted to voice my opinions on Dave's little "blog".  Because that's what you do, right?  He makes these comments, and then laughs like a little tadpole.

Sometimes, I think he's handicapped.  Or has gill rot.  I'm not sure which.

I don't have much time, so I'll make it quick.  People of the internet... kill all the fish in the world.

 

Humans can't speak fish, I know - they're a remarkably stupid species.  But you're lucky, because the mindset of fish is a depressing one to be around.  I am surrounded by fish all day, and I have to tell you - I'd much rather talk to the snails.  And snails are very, very stupid creatures.  I saw a movie once where a guy talked to a volleyball for two hours straight.  That is what talking to snails is like.

...and it's still better than talking to Fish.

First off, fish are all about the knock-knock jokes.  Which is made even dumber by the fact that they don't know what "doors" are.  You get jokes like this:  "knock knock" "who's there?" "let's eat my babies".

And then they all laugh, and eat their babies.  It's sickening, really.

They habitually get into staring contests with one another, oblivious to the fact that they cannot blink.  They get lost in a 20 gallon tank, and have to ask for directions - every five minutes, I hear a fish saying "excuse me, where I can find the log?  I'm looking for the log" 

And, worse of all, they can't stop talking about Survivor.  It's a little known fact, but fish make up 27% of FOX's demographic. 

Think about it.

So, people of earth.  You are a very powerful species.  Look at all the species you've already eliminated - dodos, woolly mammoths, sabretooth tigers, those penguinny things... and I hear you're doing a good job with polar bears.  Hell, you put my own damned species on an endangered species list! 

So, come on.  Why not help a newt out, and exterminate the little bastards?  Turn them into fish sticks.  Fillet o' Fish.  Or, better yet, turn them into newt food.  I wouldn't mind taking a bite out of the little, mindless...

...oh, crap.  He's at the door!  I've got to go.  Think on what I said!

 

-w.r.