Dear Newt's Future Wife:

Hi there. How are you? I don't know if we've met yet. But if we haven't, hi, I'm Dave. People sometimes call me "Newt". Others call me "Wik". Others still call me "Fucking Moron", but those people are generally stupid. Generally.

Anyways. Allow me to tell you a story. It's going to be awkward, because it mentions the fact that I've had other women in my life besides you, which is apparently a no-no when you're married. But hopefully you're pretty awesome, and you can deal with it. If you're not awesome, well, Future Wife, that's very unfortunate for both of us, isn't it?

But I digress.

I used to have an old girlfriend who would go through my old blog and use it to get details on my life. And no, I won't give you the URL on that blog, so stop asking. This girlfriend of mine would then bring the blog up in random conversations, comparing things I was saying to her with what I had once said in my blog. Every past thought of mine, even the throwaway comments, were seemingly etched in stone in her mind, so that if I had made a stupid comment when I was sixteen about how I, say, wanted to pierce my eyebrow, it became an ironclad statement and one she'd bring up when I was, say, twenty four and bitching about all the idiots who pierce their eyebrows.

It was a pain in the ass, future wife. A real pain in the ass.

Anyways, when I started this blog, I vowed not to talk overly much about personal issues in my life, or go in depth over any woman I was at all "serious" about. I vowed it wasn't going to be a blog about Dave's life, and one of the reasons (not the only reason) was because, quite frankly, I was afraid it'd be ammunition used against me at some point in the future. Which says a lot about my writing style.

I was afraid that, one day, we'd have a perfectly normal fight about the hydro bill or pterodactyl porn you'd mention that "you never got this angry with >insert girl's name here< And I'd wind up stuck on the couch for a week, grumbling about all the stupid things I had once said.

I was, in other words, afraid of losing any future partner, even though I have most likely not yet met said future partner. Some may see that as kind of sad. I'd like to see it as a pragmatic, practical life decision. Others might just see it as all around wussiness.

But fuck those guys.

So, future wife, while you're browsing this blog, wondering what sort of guy your husband used to be, remember that while there are a lot really crass jokes, careless comments, and flagrant hipsterism, also remember that that's not all there was to your husband. Remember that this blog doesn't represent everything, and that if you want all that past information, you'll have to do the healthy thing, and ask me about it.

Also, Future Wife, could you do me a favour? Please be awesome. Because if you are, that'd be great. Also, if time travel has been invented, could you send me some awesome future diet coke? Because I'm kind of thirsty right now, and I hear that future diet coke is delicious.



Whatever the Hell Nickname I Go By

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