The Day I Volunteered To Do Nothing:

Happy Apple invited me to a fundraiser event last sunday. Her work had long been committed to the cause, and so had roped Happy Apple in as a volunteer, and she asked me if I wanted to tag along. Not one to turn down some time in the sun and a chance to hang out with awesome people, I naturally agreed. Plus, that little unemployed gremlin that lurks in the back of my head figured I could put it on my resume under "volunteer activities", which is currently filled with, you know, lies.

It was a fundraising walk, with the proceeds going towards helping "end global poverty", which seems admirable enough. Happy Apple and I got there fairly early, and found ourselves in loose-fitting teal shirts and hanging around her co-workers, saying "hey, how can we help?"

We said this for about half an hour, before I finally just decided to take action and start helping. I did this by moving plates... until I was told that they wanted the plates in the original spot, so I had to move them back. Then Happy Apple's boss showed up and said "I don't need you guys until later. Go on the walk, have fun!"

And so we did. We were some of the few volunteers who actually went on the walk, and it was refreshing. When we got back to Beacon Hill park, ready to volunteer our services, we found Happy Apple's boss.

"How can we help?"

"Well, grab some food, and see me when you get back. You should eat first!"

So she let us in front of the line of hungry walkers, and we got pizza and curried rice and ate away. After we finished, we lurked around Happy Apple's boss, waiting for instructions . There was already a lineup of other volunteers, looking for work.

Finally Apple looked at me. "I don't think she needs us."

"I agree. Wanna ditch this place and go to the petting zoo* ?"


It was the best volunteer experience ever. Because I got to feel good about volunteering my services for a good cause. I got a free t-shirt. I got something impressive to put on my resume. I got free food. And I did absolutely nothing to deserve it. And then I got to pet happy baby goats.

I should volunteer more often.

(*Not a euphemism. We actually went to a petting zoo. Get your minds out of the gutter)

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