"Quit Being a Smartass"

You know, I've always been a smartass.  I think I've been a know-it-all, wise-cracking, pain in the ass since the day I was born.  Ask my mother - she'll tell you about countless  times I've been a little too smart for my own good.  Really, that should be the title of my biography - So Damned Smart, He's Retarded. 

I remember, way back in high school, our English teacher was explaining a Thesaurus to the class room.  "It's a book that can be used to find similar words.  Say you're writing, and you need another word for 'sad' so you don't keep using 'sad' over and over again.  The thesaurus will give you other words.  And it does this for many words in the English Language.  Go on, someone, think of a word."

I raise my hand, that gleam in my eye.

"Yes, Dave?  What word?"

"Synonym.  Is there another word for 'Synonym'?"

She sighed, shot me a glare, and said "quit being a smartass."

I'd like to think that, as I grow up, I'm becoming a mature, sensitive adult.  But, I'm afraid this may not be the case. 

I was shopping with my mother, who was a bit stressed out.  "I wish I didn't have to do all this shopping for Christmas.  I wish there was a way I could get out of doing it every year!"

"But there is," says I.

"What?  I'm all ears."

"Convert to Judaism.  Or Hinduism.  I hear there are plenty of interesting cult options open, mom."

She sighed, rolled her eyes, and said, "Quit being a smartass."