An open letter to McDonald's:

Dear McDonald's:

I have to say, I haven't really been to your chain in at least a few weeks, which is a trend I plan on continuing for a long time. 

It's not you, McDonald's, it's me.  I guess I've just come to respect my body, and have absolutely no desire to fill it with the carbohydrate-stuffed poison that you are wont to serve.  Seriously, even your salads seem like a health nightmare.  How is it that you can screw up a salad?  I really want to know.

A few days ago, I was walking by one of your lovely stores near the Wal-Mart, on my way to find wrapping paper and other christmas accoutrements.  And there, on your billboard, was the most baffling announcement I have ever seen:

two new smore pies for 1.39

Smore pies?  Are you kidding me?  I can understand adding a new pie flavour - at the very least, your apple pies smelled appetizing, which is above and beyond anything else you serve.  But there are a lot of pie flavours I would consider before a smore.  Like, I don't know, "Blueberry".  Or, to be quite honest, "Danny DeVito".  A smore pie is about as unhealthy as you can get.  I can imagine the board meeting you guys had before deciding upon this particular flavour.

"Guys, we have a problem," one board executive says, secretly fretting about his receding hairline.

"I agree.  We are not killing our customers fast enough!" another adds

The group nods in unison.  They know that, despite their best efforts, too many McDonald's customers are surviving their dining experience.  And that just won't do.

"How can we fix this?"

"We need a new pie flavour, a flavour so filled with garbage that those who eat it are destined for an early death."

"I got it!" one man exclaims, in a classic "Eureka!" pose.  "SMORE FLAVOURED PIE!"

Dear McDonalds.... I imagine, at that board meeting, that you all high-fived one another, and released your gastronomical experiment upon an unsuspecting populace.  I can't believe you would so irresponsibly release such a product upon the masses, knowing full well that this is just another nail in their coffin.

And at two for 1.39, how can they turn it down?


  1. I'm pretty sure I'd have the smore pie before I have a 'Danny Devito' flavoured pie..... just sayin

  2. DAMMIT! We should've give one to my boss! But thats ok, I spat in his coffee. :D