A Conversation in Five Acts

A Conversation in Five Acts

written by David S. Percival

Dramatis Personae

Dave, a rather charming Canadian lad in his mid-twenties.  Distinguished by his frock of red hair, rugged good looks, and modest persona.  A classic everyman.

Tom, a twitchy, subservient sort, obviously a sidekick.  While intelligent and likeable, he is obviously a secondary character.  Oh, and since he's a sidekick, he's also probably ethnic.  Rules cannot be broken.

ACT I:  The Discovery

(DAVE and TOM are in the living room, when they come across the OBJECT, an eight-inch length of wood that has been banged up and obviously soiled.)

DAVE:  What the hell is this?
TOM:  Looks like... I dunno.
DAVE:  Yeah.  Hm.  It smells funny.
TOM (Takes a sniff):  It DOES smell funny.
DAVE:  Smells... familiar....
TOM:  Yeah, it smells like.... smells like.
DAVE:  My god.  It smells like penis!

ACT II:  Clarification

(The two look at each other, shock in their eyes.  TOM nervously nods.)

TOM:  It does smell like penis.
DAVE:  Indeed.
TOM:  Alarmingly so.
DAVE:  Quite.
TOM:  ...It stinks.
DAVE:  Yeah, it does.
TOM:  No.  Like, it really stinks.
DAVE:  Yeah.
TOM:  Well, my penis doesn't smell.
DAVE:  (A cough) Neither does mine.
TOM (pause):  Wait a second.
DAVE:  ...Yeah?
TOM:  You said it smelled like penis.
DAVE:  Yeah, so?
TOM:  But it doesn't smell like your penis?
DAVE:  No, my penis doesn't smell like that.
TOM:  Well, um....

ACT III:  Questioning

(TOM leans forward, a quizzical look on his face)

TOM:  Dave, how many penises have you smelled?
DAVE:  What!?
TOM:  You knew what it smelled like, but then said it didn't smell like yours.
DAVE: Um...
TOM:  So, how many penises have you smelled?
DAVE:  But... you knew what I was talking about! So-
TOM:  Wait a second-
DAVE:  -So I could say the same about you!

ACT IV:  Awkward Silence

(Awkward Silence)

ACT V:  Resolution

DAVE:  ...Let's never speak of this again.
TOM: Agreed.

FIN

(Note:  I don't know how I came up with this.  This is the sort of thing that will pop, unbidden, into my mind while I clean the house.  I apologize in advance.)