Our Olympic National Anthem

I'm a patriot.  I have the maple leaf tattooed on my leg (and, for the last time, no, it's not a red potleaf!), and like any true patriot, I get piss drunk on Canada Day.  I love everything my country stands for, with the exception of Nickelback, Celine Dion, and the entire province of P.E.I.

In case you didn't already know, the winter olympics start today in the amazing city of Vancouver, which is only a short ferryride away from my little neck of the woods.  And, not surprisingly, I've caught a pretty big chunk of Olympic spirit.  I'm cheering for Canada with all my being.

Except, there's a hitch.  The Canadian national anthem is a little... lovey.  It's all happy and proud and whatnot, when really, the purpose of a national anthem is to strike fear in the hearts of your enemies.  You play your anthem at a hockey game, you want the other team to know that "hey, I'm a badass, don't mess with me". 

Think about it.  The Americans have an anthem about bombs and rockets going off.  Italy's national anthem goes on about how they're ready to die (they would - nobody can turn losing a fight into a moral victory like the Italians).  Hell, even the French anthem sings about slitting people's throats. The French, people.  The French.

Are we about to be out-anthemed by a bunch of cheese-eating surrender monkeys?  I think not.

So, with that in mind, your fearless blogger has made a few changes to the dear Canadian anthem, made particularly with the Olympics in mind. 

my Canada

will grind your bones to sand

our patriots' blood

will boo you from the stands

so go back to france

you euro trash

and fear this proud country

for if you don't

then Canada

will hockey stick your knees

God bless this land

and all our proud goalies

o Canada

We'll steal the gold, for thee

o Canada

We'll take the gold... for... thee.