Doing a random search on the internet for concerts, I decided to check out The Dodos website. Now, it just so happened that I went to the site only a few hours after they had posted their winter concert schedule... and Victoria was on the list! Now, this list featured a lot of major cities, which makes me think that they must've remembered Victoria, and wanted to repeat what was obviously a special show.
I casually made a note on when the tickets would go on sale, and told myself I was absolutely gonna buy a couple. Because they really are one of the best bands I've ever seen live.
Flash forward to thursday, when I found myself at Ditch Records. "Two tickets for the Dodos, please"
The guy fishes out the tickets, and then promptly says "Hey, you're the first person in Victoria to buy tickets for this band"
That's right. Yours truly holds tickets #1 and #2.
You may call me Newt, king of the Victoria Hipsters.
Oh yeah, I'M responsible
Had a conversation with a half-brother of mine who lives on the other side of the country. I think he was looking for some "grown-up" advice about sex that wasn't going to just parrot the crap he heard from "responsible" adults around him.
I did the whole "adult" thing, tried to present the facts, gave my honest opinion on his situation, and tried to be rational, reasonable, and responsible.
But of course, I'm a clown with an oversized coconut head. So I started making jokes about halfway through, to break the serious tone. And then I said something that, I think, is probably the funniest (and maybe rudest) thing I've ever said:
I'm pretty sure that's the best sex advice any half-brother can give, wouldn't you agree?
I did the whole "adult" thing, tried to present the facts, gave my honest opinion on his situation, and tried to be rational, reasonable, and responsible.
But of course, I'm a clown with an oversized coconut head. So I started making jokes about halfway through, to break the serious tone. And then I said something that, I think, is probably the funniest (and maybe rudest) thing I've ever said:
Remember, a good woman is hard to come by... and even harder to come on.
I'm pretty sure that's the best sex advice any half-brother can give, wouldn't you agree?
Calvinball
One of the things about being an insomniac is that, when you do get uninterrupted sleep for a couple of hours, you tend to have some strange dreams. It's almost as if your mind is making up for the lack of dreams over the last few days by giving you one doozy of a dream at once.
I've had dreams where I was attacked by giant robots, where I've stared up at the sky screaming "mendoza!", and where I've had conversations with my dog. But last night's dream has to be a record.
See, I dreamed I was playing a drinking game.
My brain had invented all the rules for this drinking game, such that when I woke up, I remembered all of them - and then, after thinking about them for a few minutes, realized that they worked. Not only that, but it was a drinking game that involved gambling - my other favourite vice!
I'm a giver. And so, in the interests of sharing (and in doing my part in killing livers everywhere), allow me to present to you the official rules of "Calvinball", the world's first gambling drinking game.
I've had dreams where I was attacked by giant robots, where I've stared up at the sky screaming "mendoza!", and where I've had conversations with my dog. But last night's dream has to be a record.
See, I dreamed I was playing a drinking game.
My brain had invented all the rules for this drinking game, such that when I woke up, I remembered all of them - and then, after thinking about them for a few minutes, realized that they worked. Not only that, but it was a drinking game that involved gambling - my other favourite vice!
I'm a giver. And so, in the interests of sharing (and in doing my part in killing livers everywhere), allow me to present to you the official rules of "Calvinball", the world's first gambling drinking game.
- Play proceeds in rounds, with the "dealer" changing each round in a clockwise fashion.
- At the start of a round, the player to the left of the dealer must put a quarter into the "pot" ("little blind"). The player to the left of the little blind player must put two quarters into the "pot".
- The dealer then announces the basic rule of the round: either a "rule", a "challenge", or a "shot".
- Every player that wants to stay in the round puts two quarters into the pot. Players can fold if they wish.
- The dealer announces the specific game:
- If the round was a "rule", the dealer announces a new rule for the game, such as "when I touch my nose, everyone that must touch their nose, and the last person to touch his nose has to put a dollar into the pot" or "the dealer must always speak in rhyme or pay a penalty". Those players still in play can each either fold, put one quarter in the pot and "check", or "Challenge" the Dealer by giving the dealer two quarters and challenging him in some ridiculous challenge (see below) or by forcing him to have a shot. If the dealer refuses this challenge/shot, the round ends and all players still in play (excluding the dealer, who is considered to have folded) split the pot.
- If the dealer announces a challenge, he suggests a one-time dare of sorts - a yodelling contest, a rap battle, or anything else that springs to the imagination - and puts an amount at least one quarter and no more than one dollar into the pot. The remaining players can either fold or match the dealer's stake. After the bets have been matched, the challenge commences - until only one player remains. That player takes the pot.
- If the dealer announces the shot, he now names the shot. He can name only one shot (no multiple shots at once, although drop shots and jagerbombs are allowed), and then puts a stake of no less than a quarter and no more than a dollar into the pot. Players can (in clockwise order) fold out of play, match the dealer's stake, or "raise" him by doubling the amount (and adding a shot of their choice). Each player has a chance to take place in this, which can lead to many shots being consumed at once (enjoy your alcohol poisoning!)
- Play proceeds until the paramedics arrive.
Is it weird that I'm proud of this?
Sunday night. My family, along with my sister's fiance, are sitting around the kitchen table at the family home, looking through some digital photos my brother had taken. They were of a "guys night out", wherein my brother and I took our brother-to-be out on the town.
Crazy shenanigans were had. And now, the three of us were trying to explain these photos to my parents.
Case in point:
NEWT'S BROTHER: And this here is a photo of Dave, trying to light a match. With his eyebrow.
NEWT'S MOTHER (Laughing): What? Why would you even try to use your eyebrow?
NEWT: Um. Because my stubble wasn't working.
NEWT'S BROTHER: He had red streaks all over his face afterward!
(Everyone Laughs, except NEWT)
NEWT: The worse part is that this wasn't even the first time I tried to do this.
NEWT'S FATHER: You're an idiot.
NEWT: Yeah....
Crazy shenanigans were had. And now, the three of us were trying to explain these photos to my parents.
Case in point:
NEWT'S BROTHER: And this here is a photo of Dave, trying to light a match. With his eyebrow.
NEWT'S MOTHER (Laughing): What? Why would you even try to use your eyebrow?
NEWT: Um. Because my stubble wasn't working.
NEWT'S BROTHER: He had red streaks all over his face afterward!
(Everyone Laughs, except NEWT)
NEWT: The worse part is that this wasn't even the first time I tried to do this.
NEWT'S FATHER: You're an idiot.
NEWT: Yeah....
Weekly Haiku #41 - early morning reflections
woke up... it's just eight -
wait, i'm unemployed still, right?
up so soon, feels wrong.
pfah. Amateurs
I was reading a few blogs this morning, and they were all doing some stupid quiz/questionairre thing. Those blog quiz things are, of course, the worst - they're where people who have no reason to be writing a blog post in the first place go when they have absolutely nothing to write about.
And holy crap, were the responses lame.
See, it went like this: turn on your ipod, turn it on shuffle, and list the first 20 songs that come up. Easy peesy, right?
Problem is, their lists BLEW! Good Charlotte? All American Rejects? GREEN DAY!? What the FUCK, people? What happened to good taste!? I wanted to go on their blogs and slap them silly. I mean, I suppose it's possible that they had good songs on their ipods, and just the shitty songs came up when it was put on random.
But I'm guessing that all of their songs were shitty. And the worst thing is - they posted it on their blogs. Which suggests that they don't realize their music is shitty.
The whole thing made me shudder. And then I realized I had to do an experiment, thus breaking my vow to never subject my blog to those lame-ass quiz games. The experiment was thus - if I did that game, would my list wind up being really shitty?
Here goes:
And holy crap, were the responses lame.
See, it went like this: turn on your ipod, turn it on shuffle, and list the first 20 songs that come up. Easy peesy, right?
Problem is, their lists BLEW! Good Charlotte? All American Rejects? GREEN DAY!? What the FUCK, people? What happened to good taste!? I wanted to go on their blogs and slap them silly. I mean, I suppose it's possible that they had good songs on their ipods, and just the shitty songs came up when it was put on random.
But I'm guessing that all of their songs were shitty. And the worst thing is - they posted it on their blogs. Which suggests that they don't realize their music is shitty.
The whole thing made me shudder. And then I realized I had to do an experiment, thus breaking my vow to never subject my blog to those lame-ass quiz games. The experiment was thus - if I did that game, would my list wind up being really shitty?
Here goes:
- Miles, Mother Mother
- We Gotta Get Out of this Place, The Animals
- Lucky, Radiohead
- The Fight, Sia
- Yesterday, The Beatles
- Hurting me Now, Sia
- Golden Slumbers, The Beatles
- Jodi, The Dodos
- Wind Blows, Yukon Blonde
- The Year You Were Born (Live), Hey Rosetta!
- Size Queen, Kyuss
- Section 19 (When The Fool Becomes the King), The Polyphonic Spree
- Lacrimosa, Regina Spektor
- The Indie Queens are Waiting, Dan Mangan
- Hoodoo, Muse
- Surrender, Elvis Presley
- How to Embrace a Swamp Creature, The Mountain Goats
- The Tourist, Radiohead
- Fabulous, Dan Mangan
- Brotherhood of Death, Apollo Sunshine
Regarding the Rain:
Victoria sometimes seems to be a city of transplants. Everyone here started off somewhere else - they're members of the Canadian Navy who were transferred to the base here; they're students attending the university; retirees who want to live somewhere warm while staying in Canada; provincial government workers who got sent to work at the capital; eco-nuts who want to live somewhere "green" but still be in a city.
Long story short, the people that love it here are the people that started off somewhere else. The people that hate it here grew up here. Generally speaking.
I love the recent transplants, especially those from up north or from eastern Canada (in B.C., everything right of the rockies is "eastern Canada", mind you). Especially their reactions to Victoria "winter". During december, they laugh at Victoria's reaction to mild snowfall, making comments about just how "wussy" Victoria is - and it's a fair thing to comment about. If it snows, even an inch, you'll see every grocery store raided for vital supplies like water, canned goods, and toilet paper.
Like it was the freakin' apocalypse.
But the transplants point and laugh, and by January 2nd inevitably say "well, now that winter's over...."
And then January really gets into full swing. Rain that slams down sideways. Wind screaming in from the coast. Gray skies loom overhead. Frozen fingertips, frozen toes.
And then the transplants begin to contemplate the true nature of Victoria's "mild winter". Because yeah, it doesn't snow. But once you get caught in a few January rainstorms, you'll find yourself wishing for some "good ol' fashioned Ontario snow".
Long story short, the people that love it here are the people that started off somewhere else. The people that hate it here grew up here. Generally speaking.
I love the recent transplants, especially those from up north or from eastern Canada (in B.C., everything right of the rockies is "eastern Canada", mind you). Especially their reactions to Victoria "winter". During december, they laugh at Victoria's reaction to mild snowfall, making comments about just how "wussy" Victoria is - and it's a fair thing to comment about. If it snows, even an inch, you'll see every grocery store raided for vital supplies like water, canned goods, and toilet paper.
Like it was the freakin' apocalypse.
But the transplants point and laugh, and by January 2nd inevitably say "well, now that winter's over...."
And then January really gets into full swing. Rain that slams down sideways. Wind screaming in from the coast. Gray skies loom overhead. Frozen fingertips, frozen toes.
And then the transplants begin to contemplate the true nature of Victoria's "mild winter". Because yeah, it doesn't snow. But once you get caught in a few January rainstorms, you'll find yourself wishing for some "good ol' fashioned Ontario snow".
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