I'm Having a Great Week...

I have a confession to make.

It's been a really good week on my end.  And, as such, I don't really have much in the way of snarky comments to make.  Or snide observations.  Or sarcastic remarks.  Hell, I'm even short on poop jokes and lame puns! 

Don't worry, I'm sure something will pop up in a day or two that will fire me up and get me blogging at full speed again.  Without a doubt, I'll get punched in the face by a drunk, or karate-kicked in the gonads by a homeless guy or whathaveyou, and this blog will be abuzz with rude comments to your heart's content.  And I have a feeling there's going to be some misadventures, tribulations, and errors made in the future that will satisfy your fiendish hunger for the comedy of errors that is my life.

Until then, though - I'm having a great week.  So piss off. 

The Blogoff - "Video Games Gone Wrong"

(here it is.  Round three of the ongoing war between yours truly and the rival impostor newt.  So, you should know the drill by now - read both entries, and then vote on your favourite.  The winner will be able to retain the title of "newt", while the loser will have to suffer with the title of "Steve" for all time.... or a month or so, whichever comes first.)

The Unfortunate Tale of the Chaw Lord

Today's topic is "Video Games Gone Wrong", and while I'm not really too much of a video gamer (I'll play a game here and there, but I don't really get super involved in them or anything), I do have a special spot in my heart for Halo.  There's just something special about a game that involves shooting people in the face.  Repeatedly.  So, when the topic was selected, I instantly knew I had to write a post about Halo.  And, when I think of Halo, I instantly think of the Chaw Lord.

Who is the Chaw Lord?  To put it simply, he is the awesomest Halo player in the universe.  Or, at least, the southern united states (as some looters were to discover).  Allow me to explain.

Way back when, I used to come home from a long day of work and unwind with an hour or so of Halo 2.  Now, for those that don't know the game very well, Halo 2 is a game where you get together a team of people, and do your best to beat another team of people into submission.  And a lot of the people you seem to be shooting at are twelve year olds who try to talk smack, but can't pull it off.

If you don't get a team together, you're randomly assigned a bunch of friend-less jerks, or those afforementioned twelve year old douchebags in training, and your team seldom works well.  It becomes in your best interest to get together a group of similary skilled individuals if you want to rock the various game types.

Different players have different skillsets.  Some people are excellent snipers, or rocket jockies, or combat freaks.  As for yours truly - you're looking at a highly proficient jeep driver (ironic, as I have no license in real life) and a strong defensive player.  I was also pretty good at trash-talking, which was one of those things that made Halo 2 super enjoyable. My skills, natch, made me a good addition to the team that assembled over the months of my semi-regular Halo 2 days.

We were led by... the Chaw Lord.

The Chaw Lord was, quite simply, the awesomest player out there.  He was good at everything, and led our group with respect and integrity.  He was also very skilled at talking trash, which seeemed to be the main requirement for being in our group (seriously:  it didn't matter if you could shoot straight, but if you could come up with a new way of calling someone a "dickhead", you were in... Halo 2 was where I first heard the term "Dangling Chad" and decided it was the awesomenest thing ever). 

Chaw was a deep-voiced southerner who would constantly berate the other team - "Grow some testicles, kid," or "What, am I playing Helen Keller?  Are you friggin.... Helen Keller?  Because you suck."  Or, my personal favourite "You don't fuck with The Chaw Lord". 

(oh, yeah... he always referred to himself in the third person.  Which was kind of weird.)

Usually, when we won, we'd sing some random song as directed by the Chaw Lord at the top of our voices, so the other team would hear nothing but rambunctious shouting until they left the lobby.  Because it's never fun to be serenaded with "Take my Breath Away" or "Tub-Thumping"  Once, after we lost, the other team pulled the same trick on us.  Chaw Lord quietly requested they be quiet a few times.  "Come on, I have something to ask you guys.  No, seriously, stop singing, please...?"

And when they shut up, to hear Chaw Lord's "Question", it was simply "I'm writing a paper on gay gamers, and I was sort of curious - what does a penis taste like?  I thought you guys would know." 

As they signed off, in a huff, Chaw delivered his motto.  "You don't fuck with the Chaw Lord."

I played on the Chaw Lord's team for about four months.  They were a group of people I had never met in real life, never knew their real names, and knew very little about in reality.  Yet, for a little while, they were people I knew quite well.  In between games, we discussed, well, things you would discuss with co-workers:  good movies, troubles at home, politics, and why twelve year old boys should be locked into a basement until they hit eighteen.  In short, we got to know one another.

Then Hurricane Katrina hit.  While Kanye was making ludicrous claims about George Bush, and George Bush was doing his best to prove Kanye wasn't a liar, we were all worrying about The Chaw Lord.  Because, as you can guess, he happened to live in N'Orleans.  Every day, he wasn't there.  The team assembled, anxiously inquired about the Chaw Lord's fate, and then would proceed to blow the heads off twelve year old kids from England. 

It got worse and worse.  There were some people who had Chaw's e-mail address, and they would send message after message - and get no reply.  Others checked his online history, using web magic.  We even had a hacker wannabe offer to trace his IP address and figure out what was going on at home - though we never got a reply.  Every day, though, I'd watch the situation in New Orleans and remember "The Chaw Lord is there right now."

We finally got ahold of him about three weeks after the Hurricane.  And he filled us on in exactly what he had been doing over the last few weeks.

See, when the floods had started, Chaw sandbagged the ground floor of his apartment.  How he had sandbags handy, I'll never know.  When the waters really started to rise, though, and reports of looters were everywhere, Chaw moved all his furniture upstairs and camped his family in the attic.  However, he took all the debris (crappy desks and couches and whatnot) and used them to barricade the doors and jam the stairways - a technique he picked up directly from yours truly, who would use crates and boxes to block doorways in bases while playing Halo. 

Then, Chaw took all his MREs (yes, he had military Meals Ready-To-Eat for some inexplicable reasion) and used those to feed his family.  And then he camped in a good sniping position during the day, waiting for the looters to come. 

Literally, he spent hours crouched in his building, waiting for looters to come into his crosshairs - another trick he learned from Halo.  One night, a bunch of guys came by on a motorboat - and then fled when The Chaw Lord opened fire ("they were just warning shots, but the pussy bitches didn't know that", we were informed).  He kept diring at those men until the boat disappeared down a flooded street. 

People say video games can instill violent behaviour in people.  And I used to argue against that incessantly.  But after hearing about the Chaw Lord, who used a high-powered rifle to take potshots at unarmed looters, and enjoyed this immensely, I'm thinking maybe video games had some part to play.  But I'd never say that to Chaw, of course. 

Because you don't fuck with the Chaw Lord.

Film Friday: Blow Your Mind? Seriously?

I've been kicking around on http://www.stumbleupon.com/ lately, which is pretty much the biggest time sink going right now.  I'll go "hey, I have an hour to kill", and three hours later, I'm still glued to my computer, reading obscure Star Wars trivia or listening to this random chick playing violin in a recording studio and making it awesome (wish I had saved that link!). 

I came across this list, titled "The Red Pill:  10 Films Guaranteed to Blow Your Mind".  And it's a pretty generic list.  I mean, Fight Club?  The Matrix?  Seriously?  

So, I figure I'll add to it a bit, and add ten more films that the author forgot.  However, I'll do it in a quicker format, and possibly sound less douchie.  Or so I hope.  So, without any further ado...

Ten More Films that Will Blow Your Mind:

1.  Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind:  Ponders the nature of memory and love.  What attracts us to people?  Is it a character compatibility, or the nature of our meetings?
2.  Being John Malkovich:  A weird, existential comedy that is pure brilliance.  Plus, it has John Cusack.  I hear he's pretty good, y'know.
3.  Solaris:  Either the original, or the remake with George Clooney.  Another one that explores memory and the nature of humanity.  Very pretty. 
4.  Pay it Forward:  it isn't a mindfuck movie, but it is one that will change your perspective on life.  And the  original list had American Beauty... which, while great, lacked the impact of Pay it Forward.  So there.
5.  Bladerunner:  Seriously, how can you exclude this movie?  Bladerunner is the original "mess with your mind" film.  What is it to be a human?  What is the nature of memory?  How do we define morality?  Love?
6.  District 9:  First time I saw this film, my mind was thoroughly blown upon seeing the aliens living in squalor in a ship.  It's a great movie, where the humans are the ultimate bad guys, and yet the aliens are far from lovable victims.  Great metaphor for Apartheid that is, unfortunately, a little late.
7.  Gaslight:  An old film where a man tries to make his wife go insane.  He spends the whole film toying with her head, and nearly drives her nuts for personal reasons.  Kind of points out the thin line between sanity and little rubber rooms.
8.  Akira:  Too bad it was originally in japanese.  And, um, a cartoon.  Because it's a great look at how humans deal with power - our main character, Tetsuo, has godlike power... and he abuses it.  As we look into his past, we see how he's longed for affection and acceptance - and then we see how it plays out. 
9.  Contact:  Okay.  Everyone hates this movie because "you don't get to see the Alien".  Well, boo hoo.  It's not about Aliens, idiots.  It's about the role of religion in the scientific world, how faith interacts with politics, and how political systems and religious idealogies can get in the way of human progress.  Also, it's about how much Carl Sagan hates religion... and yet, the religious character is almost sympathetic...
10.  Groundhog Day:  I mean, how is this not on the list?  Seriously, guys.  I mean, really.  The fact that this film wasn't on that list actually kind of bugs me. 

Hooch Is Crazy

Way back when, my girlfriend at the time made me a pretty nice birthday present.  Matching T-Shirts - mine said "Hooch is Crazy", and hers said "Hooch IS Crazy!".  For those that don't get it, it's a reference from the TV show Scrubs.  And yes, you have to watch that video.  Because Hooch is Seriously Crazy.

Anyways, after the whole messy breakup, I figured this would be a shirt that I would be unable to wear.  Luckily, I didn't listen to that voice in my head.  Because, I discovered a secret - it is the best conversation starter shirt out there.  And here's why:

if someone recognizes the quote, they will inevitably approach me to discuss it.  And if they don't know the quote, they have to find out where it's from - leading to them to approach me to start a conversation.  Amazingly, this works with women, too!  There have been many times where I just happen to be wearing the shirt only to have a rather cute woman walk up to me to find out what the shirt is "about".  For a while, it was even on my plenty of fish profile... back when I figured Plenty of Fish was a good idea.  Before I made some unusual introductions.

A few days ago, during the celebration over Canada beating the U.S. in the men's hockey final in the Olympics, I was walking around Victoria chatting up an interesting li'l acquaintance of mine (and busily trying to guess her original first name).  The city was going nuts, with cars honking their horns and a lot of people on the sidewalk celebrating.  All of a sudden, out of the blue, a woman shrieks "Hooch is Crazy!"

Of course, I knew she was talking about me, so I turned and faced her.   She screamed it out again, and pointed me out to her friends.  "It's him, it's him!" she said, completely overjoyed.  "Hooch is Crazy!"

Without thinking, I lifted up my sweater, showing that, due to random chance, I just happened to be wearing the Hooch shirt.  Her and her friends broke into shouts of joy, as if they had met a random celebrity. 

Did I know these women?  Or was it my PoF profile?  I have no idea.  But it was definitely the most random moment of my week. 

Weekly Haiku #16 - based off a true story...

olympic riots

high fives from roller bladers

and drive-by flashings

Day as Night #10: Facebook Blues...

Holy god, this took forever to do.  I think I started at around midnight, and it's now 2:30.  My vision is kind of blurring, here.

As usual, click if you want to read.  And I think everyone can I.D. the movie, but still - points to the first to get it. 

Music Mondays - Dan Mangan, and why you should pay attention

A few months ago, the lovely Kittens and I happened to catch a musician by the name of Dan Mangan.  Now, if you click on that link anytime within the next little while, you'll see that Mr. Mangan has just recently appeared on the Today Show with that really annoying Canadian Slam Poet guy.  But, do not judge Mr. Mangan, because there is so much more to him!

When I saw him, I must admit I sort of glazed over - he was appearing in front of the crowds with just his own little acoustic guitar, and I was very much in a "I need a band" sort of mood, as opposed to watching what I saw as a glorified busker.  Kittens, however, insisted on buying both Mangan CDs, which was, in hindsight, an excellent idea. 

I fully admit, right here, right now, that I was wrong.  Make of that what you will.  I have listened to both of the Mangan CDs, and they totally benefit from a full band. 

Mangan is an amazing musician from my little neck of the woods, and we'll be seeing more of him. He makes acoustic music with a heavy dose of Canadiana, in all of its glory.  There are songs about shopping for music to impress women, coffee shop blues, road trips, and emotional distance.  There are songs of failed relationships, romeo and juliet mishaps, and more.  And it's all accompanied with a great pseudo country voice and perfect acoustic timing. 

Seriously - check out his site.  It's a very good time to check it out, considering all the free press Mangan is getting (funnily enough, I had the idea for this post in my head for almost two weeks, so I guess delaying worked out well here!).  Plus, there's some great free music downloads worth checking out. 

And then, of course, there's the video for "Robots", which is one of the loveliest songs out there, and something that gets caught in my head.  Plus the video is kind of, um, hilarious.  I mean, how can you go wrong with 80s gang wars, robot fighting, and a dude with a huge fro? 

You also need to check out "Basket", on the latest album.  It blew my mind after hearing it recently - though it does kind of suffer from "takes too long to end after the climax"-itis.  But, even with that minor glitch, it's still one of those songs that perfectly builds and builds up.  I'm putting it on the same level as Radiohead's "Climbing up the walls" in terms of sheer built-up tension, which is high praise indeed, considering it took Radiohead an entire ensemble to pull this off, whereas it took Mangan just an acoustic guitar and a voice.

If you're in BC, you owe it to check out Mangan, because he's our man!  And if you're not from B.C., well, shit, quit being such a friggin' elitist and buy his CDs.  Because, um, they're good.  And you'll like them.  Even if he's friends with that annoying Canadian Slam Poet.