Every time I mention dating, my blog gets a bunch of "ugly" hits. It would seem, in fact, that most of my readers don't much like me talking about dating, or women, or anything of that sort. But I like to tell funny stories, and I've found many of my funniest involve the fairer sex.
But until today, I hadn't shared one of the funniest.
It happened a little over a year ago. I had been talking to a girl online, and she seemed rather interesting and intelligent through our chats. She did work in a university lab, looking after and raising the test animals. She was, and is, the only girl I have ever gone on a date with who worked with monkeys as part of her day job, and for this reason alone, there will always be a special place in my heart for her.
We along well online, joking and trading stories. She seemed interested in the fact that I had a history degree, and assured me that she "loved" history. She even suggested we go to the new exhibit at the museum, which I thought was awesome. This was a mistake, however, because around three miliseconds after my money left my pocket and the tickets were in hand, I realized she had lied about loving museums as a way to impress me.
The girl could not locate egypt on a map, had no idea where mesopotamia was, and "knew" that Rome "went extinct, like, a couple of centuries ago." I nearly had an aneurysm on the spot. And it didn't get much better. You know a date is going bad when the highlight is talking to a sixty year old woman about Nordic chess pieces while your date plays with the makeup in the "kiddy korner".
Anyways, the date and I eventually found ourselves in the natural history wing of the museum, and things were looking much better. She mostly just looked at the stuffed moose and woolly mammoths. We were chatting pleasantly, and I had begun to put the awfulness of the main exhibit out of my mind, when we walked by a large stuffed horse. She began to go on, at length, about how much she loved horses.
And I mean at length. Did you know that people apparently think horse shoes are interesting? Or how to feed horses? Or cleaning up after them? I get that these are important things... but they are not interesting in any way. Let this be a rule: you should never discuss the bowel movement of horses on a first date.
Save it for the second date, ladies!
Anyways, I listened, made comments to show I was interested, and did all the usual polite first date stuff. When she asked me how I felt about horses, though, I started making jokes. Because this is what I do.
"Horses? I'm pretty sure horses eat people."
"Horses do not eat people, Dave."
"Really? Ever see a homeless person on a farm?"
This conversation was my crowning achievement. I could live another sixty years, and nothing will ever beat that conversation I had with a girl whose name I have since forgotten. I want my tombstone to mention it.
She didn't laugh. In fact, she looked like she was offended, which perplexed me. Were she, you know, normal, she'd be on the floor laughing her ass off. Because, in case you don't know, I'm hilarious. Despite this, I kept on talking. Because, hey, I was on a roll!
"Think about it. I'm sure horses are carnivorous. I mean, you've been on a farm, right?"
"You ever notice how, sometimes, chickens just.... disappear?"
"Horse got 'em."
I looked at her, and she began to clue in that I was joking. But still, she did not laugh. At all. Instead, we walked in silence for about a minute, before she asked:
"Dave? Do you really dislike horses?"
I decided to be honest. "No. I'm just nervous around them."
"Well. A guy not liking horses is kind of a dealbreaker for me."
And that was that.