End to the Year Thoughts

I kind of like the idea of reflection, so I figure I'll finish this year with a recap of some of my favourite and most note-worthy posts. 

• Starting up, we have a real-life event that staggers the mind.  Imagine, hipsters that work at a record store, being completely in the dark about Radiohead! 
• Next up, we have another true story - an overheard conversation between two co-workers.  They spoke the truth:  death knights are the worst. 
• I have no idea why this is, but the number one search topic that brings people to my blog is "pterodactyl porn".  Which brings people to this post, which is still one of the most visited pages on my site.  People are very, very strange. 
• This post, I just find very, very funny.  So much so that, after just re-reading it, I am chuckling like a fool.  Which pretty much sums up my usual frame of mind, more or less. 
• Does anyone remember the blogoff?  This was a challenge to see who would have the title of "newt", when I randomly challenged another blogger to a "blogoff".  I wound up losing, but it was still a lot of fun.  The blogoff begins here, although many of the posts from both participants were great fun.   
• And then there were the Olympics, not very far from my little corner of the world.  I tried to capture the experience during a day trip down there.  I wound up just making stupid faces when I actually overheard a woman say "oh my god, that torch is on fire!" 
• Ah, Day as Night.  I love making them, but they take just too damned long.  This one happens to be my favourite. 
• The Crazy Newt Customer Illegibility Scale was something I secretly hoped would catch on.  Mostly because at the time, I was spending almost twenty hours a week listening to people mumble into a phone.  I guess I was the only person who found it funny - which is pretty much how these things go.
• I love haiku wednesdays.  They're fun to write, but they're rarely funny.  This one, based off a real conversation I heard at work, is actually kind of hilarious.  You can be the judge. 
• July was an insanely hot month.  So much so that I would frequently spend the night lying in bed while covered in a sheen of sweat.  Occasionally, I'd hallucinate.  But really, who doesn't? 
• I like to make wry observations.  I'm all about wry observations.  It's my purpose in life, really.  Unfortunately, I rarely make wry observations.  So when I do, I'm rather proud of them.  Apparently, I also like to say "wry observations".  Wait, does that last sentence count as a wry observation? 
• I took point notes about a night on the town.  I thought the post was actually really funny.  However, everyone who read the post decided it was "bad" or "ugly", so I guess I was the only person who thought it was funny.  Which is generally how this blog works. 
• And then there was this.  It won an award for "funniest blog entry to include the word 'samosa' in the punchline".   Okay... it actually didn't win the award.  It would have... but the awards these days have become so political, man. 
• This was another post based on an overheard conversation.  Kate was right, though - I should have cut it off a little earlier.  Damn me and my attempts for accuracy! 
• I submitted a post to reddit.  It got this blog a huge number of hits.  For about three days, I thought I was about to be famous.  Then reality slapped me in the face.  But still - it was a pretty funny post. 
• And then, finally, there was my in-depth coverage of Rifflandia.  Probably a little too indepth.  But I was pretty obsessed with the music.  And why shouldn't I have been?  I mean, the Dodos are pretty fucking awesome. 

And there it is.  2010. 

Bring on 2011!

People are stupid. Exhibit A:

(Scene:  DAVE, a stunningly good-looking salesman, is in the headphone aisle of a box store, trying to sell overpriced headphones to a weasel-faced CUSTOMER.)

CUSTOMER:  Man, I really want these headphones.
DAVE:  Yeah.  They're a great pair of headphones. 
CUSTOMER:  But they're kind of expensive.
DAVE:  Well, they're quality headphones.  You're paying for top of the line headphones.
CUSTOMER:  You're right.  I'll take them.
DAVE:  Awesome!  If you'll follow me to the till...
CUSTOMER:  Yeah, cool.  I didn't know what to spend my money on, an ipod or headphones...
DAVE (innocently):  Oh, you don't have an ipod?
CUSTOMER:  No.  I broke my last one.
DAVE:  That's cool.  I guess you're using the headphones on your computer, then?
CUSTOMER:  Don't have one.  It's my roommate's computer.
DAVE:  Oh.  Um.... the TV?
CUSTOMER:  Nah.  I have great surround sound.
DAVE:  So, um.... What're you hooking the headphones up to, then?
CUSTOMER (A Long pause):  Hm.  Good point.  I guess I don't need them, hunh?

After some back-pedalling, I wound up selling him an iPod touch and a cheaper pair of headphones.  I made less money on the purchase, but I imagine he would've figured out those expensive headphones would be absolutely useless when he got home, and I'd be stuck with the return.

He also lost his receipt for a Wii he was returning, and blamed it on me.  Turned out he had dropped it, but was convinced that was "impossible".  I found it only after having searched through our trash for him. 

Gah. 

Foreshadowing:

We stand at the gates, Basil and I, looking ahead without blinking.  My hands are clammy, and I find myself wiping them on my pant leg every moment or so while simultaneously chewing on my lower lip. 

"Do you... do you think we'll... do you think...?" I whisper, quietly. 

Basil is leaning against a wall.  "Quiet, rookie.  Just remain calm, stick near me, and we'll make it."

I nod my head, perhaps a bit too enthusiastically, and look over at the other recruits.  Jimmy is huddled in the corner, scratching a last-minute missive to his fiancee.  Eli is grinning and laughing, but we can all tell it's entirely faked - the jokes are too flat, and the laughter too shrill.  Aaron is puking in the corner.

We can hear them, outside.  Their wordless fricatives sound more like the prowls of predatory animals than the speech of human beings.  Those sounds remind me of the differences between us... and them. 

"Get ready boys," Basil says.  "The doors are about to go down."
We all gulp.  But we are ready to do battle.  We have trained for this.  We will make it.

Today... is boxing day. 

The Haul

Yeah, Christmas isn't about stuff.  I know it, you know it, so let's not dwell on that.  If you really want to read a post about how Christmas is overly commercialized, I'm sure there's a teenage girl's blog that will cater to your interests.  Those emo girls are never happy, man.

But one of those questions that always seems to pop up is "what did you get?".  And this is because it's one of those questions that we can safely ask, and actually understand the reply.  After all, everyone's Christmas is terribly personal - we, for example, do all the gift-giving on Christmas Eve, have a big dinner on Xmas eve, and then play board games and watch movies all through Christmas day. 

But "what did you get?" is one of those things we can all compare and make conversations about.  And I have to say, I got some really cool, thoughtful presents this year.  Definitely an awesome year.  So without further ado, my list of awesome presents:

• Some Cheese from my mother.  It's a jalapeno havarti cheese, and she got me a massive block of the stuff.  I used a lot of it to make omelettes on Christmas day, because there's no way I can eat all of it myself.  You could say it was very gouda.  But then, do I havarti be making such awful puns?  Obviously, I mozza, probably because they're a bries to make.  You don't have to be a whiz to do it, after all.  I could probably make them till I went blue in the face... 
• Diet Coke, in crazy little glass bottles.  I drank all six within about three hours.  And then felt sick.  But it was so worth it.  My mom knows me so well.
• All the stuff to make Ginger Snaps, from my friend Manga.  We made some a few weeks ago, and it was a lot of fun, so she gave me all the spices and stuff to make them myself.  She also got me some chocolate covered espresso beans and a really cool star for my tree.  I walked home from her place at around midnight a few nights ago carrying the star in one frozen hand while cars slowed down and looked at me quizically.  Awesome stuff.
• Surround Sound Speakers.  Well, sort of.  See, we all chipped in to buy my dad a set of new surround sound speakers and a receiver... and so they gave me their old speakers. I've heard them before - they sound awesome.  And right now, they're doing a great job of casting ominous shadows on my wall, like some sort of modern sundial. 
• Shure Headphones.  This was my gift to myself, because I only have my employee discount at Future Shop for a few more days, and wanted to get something suitably awesome.  Two hundred dollar headphones for seventy bucks is pretty awesome, if you ask me.  Let it be official - I am a dork. 
• Shark Cap and Shirt.  A San Jose Sharks Toque and a Sharks shirt.  I now have nine items that have a sharks logo on them.  I'm not sure if that's cool or sad.  Actually, no, I'm 100% sure it's awesome. 
• Cooking Stuff.  And not just "cooking stuff", but independently-made cooking stuff!  Such as hot sauce, barbecue sauce, and meat rubs from this guy.  I've had his stuff before (purchased at the government street market with Kittens, actually), and it's amazing. 
• ...And there was also this great indie pesto sauce and tapenade.  Organic and vegan friendly, if it matters.  My mom loves it when I cook... although she is the only person I know who hates pesto.  I sometimes wonder if I'm adopted.
• My mom's friend even gave me stuff!  She got me some packets of tea, a great triangle version of dominoes, and work socks.  Socks, by the way, are a great gift for me, and something of a tradition in our family (see next entry).
• Wool socks, from my dad.  See, he gets me these every year for Christmas.  And every year, this is awesome, because they are the most comfortable socks in the world.  My feet are in foot heaven right now. 
• A pomegranate.  From my mom.  Weird.  But awesome.  She also got me craisins, because they are the best diabetic-friendly snack food out there.  They're like candy, man.  Only, you know, not. 
• Gift cards from my brother's girlfriend (for itunes), money from my aunt, and a gift card from that yogurt place right next to my work from my mom. 
• Assholes Finish First, by Tucker Max, given me by my sister and her fiance.  I love reading Tucker Max, and I actually started this blog a few weeks after I first read I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell.  For a while, I sort of sounded like him in these revered pages... but then I realized I'm not even close to being as much of a dick as Mr. Max.  I'm pretty sure he's a douchebag I would hate to actually meet.. but I really love reading his stuff.  I was up till 2 am last night reading it, giggling inanely.
• A Wireless Router from my brother.  He's even going to help me set it up!  This is great, because it means that it'll be easier for me to play my Xbox while also playing around on the internet. He's even going to help me fix my crappy-ass computer so that it, you know, doesn't suck balls. 
• And last but not least... The White Album.  On vinyl.  From my loving mother and her friend, who actually owned two copies of the original pressing of the album.  In short, I have a near-mint copy of the Beatles' White Album now, from 1967 or so.  I am, in fact, listening to it right now.  You have no idea how friggin' incredible I find this. 

And now, time for a photo-montage.  You can see my awesome sharks cap + star, and even might be able to see some of Kittens' presents under there that really need to be sent out sometime soon. 

A Very Important Day

So as you all know, a long time ago, a great person was born on this day.  And a lot of the great things we have in our lives today are owed directly to the ideals this person espoused.  This person's words are often quoted and remembered, and this person's song still rings out in our heart.

I shudder to think of what the world would be like if this person had never been born.  Would we still have compassion?  Would we still have charity?  Would we still have love?

I am referring, of course, to Dido Florian Cloud de Bounevialle O'Malley Armstrong, better known simply as "Dido".  Her angelic tunes warm even the coldest of hearts.

There really should be some sort of holiday to celebrate her birth, don't you think?

Blue Shells Ahoy!

My family is doing a "lame christmas" this year.  And everyone is fully on board with it.

See, most years, my mom goes a bit overboard with the presents, while often simultaneously playing cruel mind games on us with those selfsame presents.  But hardly a year goes by where our tree isn't absolutely dwarfed by the sheer magnitude of presents. 

Little nutcrackers look up at the tree and say "yeah, I could climb that thing, but only if you moved all those goddamn presents, first". 

It reaches the point where, every year, my siblings and I have a hard time remembering everything we got for the holidays.  And here's the thing - we'd rather it not be that way.  All of us are just as happy with a few gifts and a sock full of little things.  The kids in my family are not, for the most part, selfish people.  Really, the most selfish we get during the holidays is when we play the traditional game of Mario Kart, and my sister hogs all the red shells. 

My sister is a very mean person.  Luckily, this year she'll be doped up on pain killers due to her recent surgery, so I think my brother and I might stand a chance against her crazy Mario-Karting skills. 

But this year, we're going present lite.  I wish I could say we're doing it because we're rejecting the capitalist ideals of Christmas, but really, we're doing it because of the economy.  But whatever. 

I'm broke.  My sister and her fiancee are broke as they struggle with their wedding and my sister's surgeries.  My parents aren't exactly broke, but they're hardly swimming in money either, due mostly to my sister's impending wedding.  So yeah, we decided to do a "cheap christmas" this year, and I'm really looking forward to it. 

My sister and her fiancee are making everyone presents this year (he's a carpenter, you see).  My brother's girlfriend is getting everyone tea.  I'm making CDs for every family member, filled with songs hand-picked for them that I'm sure they've never heard before but will probably like.  I know they all sound like sort of lame cop-out gifts on paper, but in reality, they're something a bit more - things that you just can't buy, no matter how much money you have. 

And while I spend a lot of time on this blog bitching and moaning about the state of the world, or making snarky comments about, well, everything, the fact is I do like sappy little things like that.  I've reached that age where I'm excited about the idea of Christmas not being about stuff, but instead about family. 

Or, to be more specific, beating the crap out of your drug-addled sister in a no-holds-barred match of Mario Kart.

Christmas Eve Eve.

I wanted to write a post about my invented holiday of Christmas 3ve, or, for those who are linguistically impaired, "Christmas Eve Eve Eve".  Unfortunately, that day fell on a wednesday this year, so I was honour-bound to write a haiku instead.  Here's hoping it worked.

Instead, I have to write about "Christmas 2ve", which really doesn't roll off the tongue as well.  But it's still quite the day.

This is the day where people traditionally realize "holy crap, Christmas is just around the corner" and then freak out on a shopping spree, doing their best to get their shopping done, because "only suckers and fools go shopping on Christmas Eve".

Today, I'm in a large electronics boutique selling overpriced electronics to those very same people. 

Today is also the day where my friend Manga, who hates being referred to on this blog as "manga" and has specifically asked me to change her name, heads south for the holidays.   I really hope she has fun down there, while at the same time feeling just a little jealous that she gets to go while I'm stuck up here, catering to people who can't seem to realize that "wireless" doesn't mean "wireless power" and who are convinced that "the internet gives you cancer". 

I say it every year around this time, but Christmas can't end soon enough.