You know what I hate?

When someone hasn't posted on their blog for a few weeks, and then after only one post, they post a link to some stupid youtube video.

It really butters my biscuit. 

Why, if I had a dollar every time I -

Film Fridays: Questionable Previews

While watching the previews for Funny People the other day, there was an ad for yet another American Pie movie.  It looked like your typical umpteenth sequel, with just enough ties to the original that fans of the series (apparently, they exist) wouldn't be too upset. 

For the record, the original American Pie was okay, for what it was.  And the second one wasn't horrible, either.  But it all sort of went downhill (well, even moreso) from there.  So, I avoid the movies almost as much as I avoid the plague.  Or Diet Pepsi.

Anyways, during the preview for this movie, there's a scene where he gets women to show him their breasts due to a poker game or something.  And, amazingly, the preview actually shows the scene in its entirety.  A few points:

1. Are previews really allowed to do this?  Don't previews have to follow a certain rating scale?
2. What is the point of doing this?  Shouldn't you show the hot women, cut the actual boob flashing, and then show the awesome reaction shot?  As if to say "if you really want to see these women's breasts, you're gonna have to fork out some cash". 
3. Most importantly, how come this has never happened at any poker game I've ever played?  Is there a new version of the rules I'm not informed of?

Also, it always amuses me that in any "high school" comedy, all of the women seem to be older than I am (I'm 26).  And they all seem to have fake breasts.  While I could be living in candy land, I'm pretty sure the average girl in my high school didn't have double-Ds that were mostly artificial and doubled as floatation devices.  Which is probably unfortunate, since we lived by the sea, and there was always at least one drowning a year that could have been prevented had naturally buoyant breasts been readily grabbable.

The girls of my school, however, tended to not be of the "mostly plastic" variety.  While quite a few were dumb (but hey, we all were - this is high school, we're talking about here), I'm pretty sure the average girls at my school were a far shot from being absolute bimbos who couldn't keep their shirts on in a poker game if their lives depended on it (that'll learn 'em for playing a Queen Seven off suit!)

This is probably a good thing, though.  If I went to school with those bimbo-ey girls, my already abysmal high school grades would have dropped down even more.  What can I say?  I'm easily distracted. 

(As a side note, I almost made a joke about how you could equate a woman's breast size with their average grade - if they were mostly As, they mostly got As.... and so on down the road.  Luckily, I have matured through the years, and did not make that joke.  You can all bask in my maturity).

"...or pornography starring your mother will be the second worst thing that happens to you today"

So I'm sitting at Cashline today on my break, with a co-worker who has a very dry sense of humour and a fondness for first-person shooters.  We're having subway and watching trailers for the "really old" Team Fortress 2 (which is less than five years old, mind you).  We're watching the "Meet the Spy" trailer, and my co-worker knows a good line is coming up and is chortling like an idiot.  And then I'm completely blindsided by one of the absolute best lines I've ever heard:

"...no, the would be your mother!"  (drops a bunch of pictures showing the bad guy having sex with the scout's mother) "Indeed.  And now he's here to F*** us!  So listen up, boy, or pornography starring your mother will be the second worst thing that happens to you today." 

I wish I could say I did the gentlemanly thing, and just kind of smirked and let it pass.  But, alas, it was not to be.  Instead, I roared with laughter, and made sure to quote it about a bazillion times throughout the day.  And, of course, it was all done in that faux french accent.

Okay, I'm just gonna say it...

It's very simple.  Commercials in which food talks about how fun it is to be eaten. 

You know the ones I'm talking about.  A bunch of cows are talking about how great it will be to cut into pieces and devoured.  Or chickens driving around and pretending they're other chickens or something.  Or dumb little commercials where talking carrots shout "I'm high in Riboflavin!"

Wait.  Are carrots high in Riboflavin?

Wait.  What's Riboflavin?

The point is, I'm sick and tired of these commercials.  Your food does not want to be eaten.  If they had their way, they'd be eating you.  But just because we're on the top of the food chain, keeping our vegetables and proteins down lest they rise up and devour us all, it doesn't mean we need to rub it in their face.  I mean, do we often tell the French how much better we are?  How they are a poor excuse for a country that no one cares about?

No.  And you know why?  Because we're awesome, that's why.

I think it's because we eat so many carrots. 

I am a juvenile little man...

I make no secret of it.  I am a juvenile little man. 

Which is why I love these commercials.  I realize I'm coming to this a little late, but hey, better late than never, right?  And there's just so much to love.  I mean, they have everything.  Stupid babies?  Check.  Vomit jokes?  Check.  Singing?  Check.  Golf?  Check ("Shankopotamus" is the best new word ever!) A guy that reminds me of most of the people I went to high school with?  Check.  

Moral of the story?  Um. 

There probably isn't one.

A Long Road...

There have been some weird commercials out there.  And some that are just plain creepy.  But when I saw this one on TV, my jaw dropped.  This is the commercial that nightmares are made of - animals torn in half on a dark road, facing their mortality.  And then the car that is about to kill another animal gets good tires, and all the road kill critters get up and dance (with tire tracks on their bodies). 

I told some friends about this awhile ago, and they didn't believe me.  Well, here it is - the weirdest commercial on TV right now.  Strange stuff.