A snippet:

One of the reasons I haven't been posting lately is because I've been writing.  As in, writing on MS Word in a fictional sense, as opposed to writing on Blogger in a semi-fictional sense.  I've been working on a story called St. Patrick's Day, and I've been burning through some drafts. 

I figured I'd share a bit with you guys - a few snippets of dialogue that I thought were particularly crass and tasteless.... because that's how I roll.

***

“Shit, man. Don’t be whipped.”


“I’m not whipped.”

“You’re whipped!”

“I’m not whipped.”

He made some whipping noises over the phone. “You’re whipped, dude. Totally whipped. Come drink with us!”

“I can’t. I’m taking Kelly out for dinner. Like I said.”

“Okay. Well what about after?”

“I don’t know. Why?”

“Cuz we’re going to the titty bar!” He yelled out the entire sentence, and then whooped into the speaker. He was getting theatrical. I was pretty sure he had an audience on his end, and he was hamming it up.

“I’m not going to the strip club with you, man.”

“Why not?”

“I hate it there.”

“Do you hate titties?”

“Don’t do this, Smeg.”

“Answer the question, sir. Do you, Patrick Grant, hate titties of the female persuasion?”

I sighed. “You know I –”

He cut me off. “Answer yes or no to the question, sir! Do you love titties?”

“Yes.”

“And do you, in fact, love bars?” He’s always been like this, and he gets worse when he’s been drinking. He seems to think he’s funny. I keep hoping one day he’ll grow out of it, that he’ll look in the mirror and realize that he’s no longer eighteen, that he’s, in fact, in his mid-twenties with honest to god responsibilities. So far, no luck.

“Smeg, I don’t have-”

Do you love bars? Yes or no?”

“Yes.”

“So there. If you like titties, and you like bars, you like titty bars."  He paused.  "It's simple logic.”

“Well, that’s bullshit. For example, I love blowjobs.”

“Who doesn’t?”

“Right. But I don’t love blow. And I don’t really love jobs.”

There was a long pause, and then he laughed. When he spoke, it was in his normal tone of voice, and not some over-the-top orator’s tone. “Okay, dude, fair enough. But you should come tonight.”

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